"Don't Leave Me"

I'll be back in the new year I promise.  Just need a bit of a break.
I'm actually proud of myself that I overcame my anal compulsive need to post something every day.

Love
Peter

"All Christams'd Out"

Five days, 3 dinners, 6 kids hockey games.....and tomorrow's Colby's birthday!....oh and 2 more hockey games!

But like anything else, maintaining a strong family requires an investment.  I'm good with that.

Also I am really looking forward to 2015!  I can get back to whining about my health.

computrainer, 90 mins, 60 mins @ 151

"Goodness is the only investment that never fails."---Henry David Thoreau

Love

Peter

"But That Was Yesterday"

And yesterday's gone!

Love
Peter

"Men in Black"

I'm pretty blessed!  They ain't perfect but neither am I.  I'm still very proud.  It was a day of rest for me, followed by boys night out.  I feel peaceful.

Love
Peter

"Tis The Season"

 Since we didn't have any formal family stuff going on today it was a day of introspection and thought. In the spirit of the season I decided to make it  time of forgiveness.

I made a mental list of all those people who had wronged me either in actual fact or in my imagination and then I made one big clean sweep of all those wrongs.  I remembered my parents, my spouse, all 11 of my siblings, all 4 of my children, every boss and co-worker I ever had, my favourite priest Farrell, my favourite nun Michaela, my friends, my neighbours, hell even Lance Armstrong, and Stephen Harper!

And although that seems like a pretty long list, all of that forgiveness took me about 10 minutes.

The problem is that as I remembered all of those people and the injustices they committed on yours truly, I couldn't help but remember all the things I did to them as well.  With the exception perhaps of Harper and Armstrong, who I never ever did nothing to!!  And in actual fact I don't think I ever abused the priest or the nun in any way either, but with my new found commitment to forgiveness I have to stop ranting about that pair of assholes.....whoops.  Sorry!

Anyway, the point is that when I was reminded of all the bad shit I did to people over the years (again, real or imagined) it occurred to me that maybe it would be okay to forgive myself as well.  Well I can tell you that this exercise was quite a bit more demanding, and although I made good progress, by days end I still had some work to do.  I did however come to the conclusion that the hardest things to forgive yourself for are not the straightforward stupid things like spanking your children when they were little, or breaking a confidence of some kind.  They are easy because they're tangible.  You screwed up, you stopped doing it, life goes on.  The hard ones are those where you feel guilty and yet you don't know what you might have done differently.  Often they are decisions you made out of fear, insecurity, and ignorance, and like I said, often you have not even wronged someone other than in your imagination.

So I don't know if any of that rambling made any sense at all so I'll summarize.   I had an excellent day, unburdened myself to a great extent, but still have a bit of work o do.  Which is good cause I still have time to do it in.

run 10 kms, 5;26/km

"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."---Bernard Meltzer

Love
Peter

"Twas The Night Before Christmas"

And all through the house
Not a creature was stirring...

But outside the wind was blowing like freakin mad, and if any shingles blow off they can just effing well stay off!

Merry Christmas all!

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins @163

Love
Peter

"Coming To Terms"

Despite all the testing and all the analysis it's probably just gonna come down to acceptance.  I was never a natural athlete in any regard, and now that my body is on the inevitable decline that comes with age, it's only gonna get worse.  I found something I really enjoy in triathlon, and while I always given it the best I have, the fact remains that I ain't gonna set any world records....in any age group!

What does it come down to then?  I suppose only the standards I set for myself, and that's where I need to do some soul searching.  If my body is changing quicker than I would like, it isn't going to help any to continue trying to deny it.  Maybe I just need to slow down!!

Today I focused on a long gradual warmup again, and while it definitely seemed to help again, it by no means completely compensated for the way I feel. I managed to get my run in by starting out at a pace not not much quicker than a brisk walk, but even at that I struggled briefly at about 3 kms and had to focus on slowing down again.  The first 7 kms was the slowest I have ever run in my life!!  Regardless I ran for 15 kms and pace be damned!

run 15 kms, 5:38/km

"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance."---Nathaniel Branden

....and this one's pretty good...

"My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations."---Michael J Fox

Love
Peter

:"Odds and Ends"

I decided to take the day completely off.  It a a shame because it was an absolutely gorgeous day for running.  Oh well.  Still gonna be warm tomorrow.

I thought my life was complete until I heard the Jimi Hendrix version of Little Drummer Boy today!  Fabulous!  It is actually an instrumental medley of several christmas hymns.  Very cool.

Speaking of dead musicians, I'm very sad to hear that Joe Cocker joined that group today.  I suppose it's a small miracle that he lived to be 70 considering the way he lived.  I suppose he got by with a little help from his friends. :)

And that brings us to iconic, still living musicians.  Although he has turned pretty weird in his old age  the "Madman Across The Water", was always one of my favourites.  Elton John just got married.  Way to go Rocketman!

North Korea didn't do it, but they promise more of it!!  Good one Kim!

One of the major fringe benefits of having a grandson is that you can buy all kinds of shit that you wished they had, and/or that you couldn't afford, when you were a kid.  My grandson has a birthday 4 days after Xmas so it's a doubly super time for me.  I feel like a little kid just waiting.

I'm afraid I'm getting fat.   I need to seriously get a grip on my eating habits!  Soon!  Very soon!  Like not tomorrow, but soon!  Maybe right after Xmas??

I had coffee this morning with 2 very dear. long time former coworkers who are of an age with me, and who both retired recently as well.  They both have technical backgrounds as well, and it occurs to me that that technical history may leave one much better prepared for retirement.  Like me, neither one of them is at a loss for stuff to do.

Speaking of stuff to do, Roo asked me the other day to build something for her Mom, and my spontaneous reaction to the request made me realize how much I appreciate my mother-in-law.  She raised nine kids in circumstances that I have gradually come to realize make my own upbringing seem idyllic.

I'm telling you this next part not to get any credit but rather so that I can confess my selfishness.  I made a resolve this year to never pass a Salvation Army kettle without putting something in it.  Furthermore I decided it was always gonna be bills.  Even though they are a religious organization I suspect that they actually put more of their donations to good use than any of the rest of them, so I'm kinda partial to them.  Anyway, the part I want to talk about is the way I feel every time I put some money in their bucket.  I feel selfish.  Because of my rule, sometimes I'm disappointed that all I have is a twenty...no fives or tens.  Sometimes I think about the fact that I can't get a tax receipt.  Sometimes I wish I could get a pat on the back, although I know none is warranted.  I think some of my thinking is distorted.  Why these negative thoughts?  It confuses me.....

And despite that, and finally for today, I am feeling more grateful than ever for the joys in my life.  Chatting with my buddies this morning, both of whom have also travelled to some of the worlds shit holes, I was reminded once again of how some people live.  One of the guys told a story of whole families (mom, dad, kids) digging trenches in the dirt of India, using only improvised tools.  This labour got them enough money just to buy food.  The trench they were digging was to bury high speed fibre optic cable to supply the state of the art automotive plant being built!  My freaking god eh??  It confuses me...

And that's really it!

Three more sleeps...well actually only two for us cause we're gonna start a day early!!

"Before I came here I was confused about this subject. Having listened to your lecture I am still confused. But on a higher level."---Enrico Fermi

Love 

Peter

"I'm Tired"

But okay tired. 

Looking forward to Christmas.  So many people to love, and so many special days to celebrate them!

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins @147 watts

"Christmas, my child, is love in action. Every time we love, every time we give, it's Christmas."---Dale Evans

Love

Peter

"Test Case of One"

I know that any reasonable experiment needs to include a large subject group in order to have some validity.  Or in the case of a solitary subject, then a number of repeated tests is called for.  So far I have one test, of one subject, namely me!  And since I don't give a shit about anyone but me, I will continue to be the only subject.

But I'm pleased to say that my very first test seemed to support my hypothesis, and so I will continue to monitor under the same conditions.

I spent about 15 minutes in the kitchen and in the garage, gradually building my heart rate, and then again when I did start running I ran very, very slowly.  I think it was a success, although I admit I felt a bit tired throughout.  That of course could be just exactly what it felt like, tiredness, perhaps even compounded by the drugs I've been taking.  Regardless I'm quite happy that I didn't have an episode of any kind, and in fact gradually increased my speed to something near normal.

And since I'm tired I'm glad to be saved from dreaming up a long post by my old friend, the Internet. I found this priceless bit of wisdom on CNN. It was the result of a contest held by a couple of guys who wrote a book called "Atheist Heart, Humanist Mind.". Their challenge to their readers was to come up with a list of ten Non-Commandments to live by. This was the result.


1. Be open-minded and be willing to alter your beliefs with new evidence.

2. Strive to understand what is most likely to be true, not to believe what you wish to be true.

3. The scientific method is the most reliable way of understanding the natural world.

4. Every person has the right to control of their body.

5. God is not necessary to be a good person or to live a full and meaningful life.

6. Be mindful of the consequences of all your actions and recognize that you must take responsibility for them.

7. Treat others as you would want them to treat you, and can reasonably expect them to want to be treated. Think about their perspective.

8. We have the responsibility to consider others, including future generations.

9. There is no one right way to live.

10. Leave the world a better place than you found it.

I'm gonna print it out and hang it by my bed!!!  After all, the 10 that  I learned from Sister Michaela, were all either mindlessly stupid, or mindlessly easy!  I wish I could say the same for the above 10, as I admit to struggling with just above every one of them every day!   I rest my case.

And I must admit that I had to look up the catholic version of the ten commandments, probably since I haven't looked at them for 45 years.  To say I was shocked how simply silly they are, would be an understatement.  I find it hard to believe that so many people consider these ten simple, often repetitive phrases, a complete guide to live by.....just saying...

run 20 kms, 5:27/km

"I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on"---Steve martin

"It is said that from Mount Sinai God gave, amid thunderings and lightnings, ten commandments for the guidance of mankind; and yet among them is not found Thou shalt believe The Bible"---Robert Green Ingersoll"

Love

Peter

"And I Got My Attitude"

Despite the significant frustration I've been going through I'm proud of the fact that my attitude always prevails in the end.  While I don't know any more today than I did yesterday, I'm feeling relatively resolved.  I know that I have to face this new reality, and also that the sooner I do so the better.  I am still right on track for an Ironman next summer, and while occasionally I let my mind wander to the idea of going as a spectator, it doesn't stay there very long.  I do acknowledge that unless something changes that this will probably be my last one, but at this point there is no reason to give up on 2014.  After all, I already paid my money!!!

And I'm looking forward to a little experiment tomorrow, based on my decent ride today.   While it wasn't record setting it was once more neutral from a heart rate perspective.  In other words, what should happen, happened.

The hypothesis of my experiment will be that a very gradual increase in heart rate is an effective way of preventing the crazy spikes I often get while running.

While it is so easy to control this while riding, or even swimming, the transition from walking to running is an abrupt one, causing my rate to go up by 30-40 beats within 30 seconds.

The ideal way to soften this transition would be to warm up on the bike and then move immediately into my run.  However that's difficult to do in the winter time because of the sweating problem.  I'm thinking about calisthenics in the garage maybe?

As a point of interest I am notoriously bad at not warming up before triathlons, and as a matter of fact  at Mont Tremblant last Aug, I never even got into the water before the start!  (it was too freakin cold)

As to the drugs they definitely helped me sleep better, but unfortunately that feeling lasted half way through the day.  It's now 7:30 and I haven't decided if I'm gonna take one tonite....hmmmm?

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins @161 watts

"The greatest day in your life and mine is when we take total responsibility for our attitudes. That's the day we truly grow up."---John C Maxwell

Love
Peter

"Got My Drugs"

What else matters eh?  Certainly not my workout today which was practically non-existent.  I tried, but gave it up real quickly.  Tomorrow I will ride again, and if that works out I'm gonna have to figure out why.  Ever since this problem started I have rarely had problems while riding.  I'm speculating that perhaps it's because my heart rate increase is so much slower and gradual.  Maybe, just maybe, there's an opportunity there.  Stay tuned.

walk/jog 5 kms

"I hope everyone that is reading this is having a really good day. And if you are not, just know that in every new minute that passes you have an opportunity to change that."---Gillian Anderson

Love
Peter

"Out of The Cage"

And into the basement!

And glad of it actually.

While for the last several months I've been uncertain how any specific workout is gonna go, I do think that more recently I'm better able to predict.  Heading down to my bike I was relatively confident that I was back out of the funk of the last few days, and indeed it went okay.

I don't know what the future is gonna hold for me but the one thing I'm pretty sure of is that it will be different.  Whatever comes out of this is gonna require some adjustment, and I might as well start now.  And while I know that over analysis can be counter productive in itself I think that for now the situation warrants some close observation.  I need to plan my workouts around the reality.

I'm also a bit reluctant o tell you this, but it's also gonna require some short term help in the way of pharmaceuticals.  I have resisted this step for several weeks but the other night I couldn't handle it any more, and so I called the doctor in the morning.  I will ask him for drugs to help me combat the extreme anxiety I experience when my body fails me.  I'm sure it's a combination of several things including of course the lack of exercise, but also the fear I start to experience when my chest tightens up.  And while this may not be the macho approach, I am convinced that it's the smart one.

And on top of my workout I had an excellent day overall.  First off, Roo and I had the opportunity to attend the kids Christmas concert and to enjoy some informal dialogue with their teachers afterward.  I don't think there is any thing more gratifying than listening to someone sing the praises of your grandchildren.  It reminded me one more time what a great job their Mom is doing, and also reminded me once more how lucky we are to be such a big part of their lives.  It's really cool for both Roo and I to be recognized by so many at Sparta Public School, as the grandparents of Colby and Kylie.  After that we took the two of them out to do their shopping which was another treat.  To see the pleasure they got out of buying and wrapping stuff for their loved ones near brought tears to my eyes.  Then Colby did manage to make me overflow when on anticipating others opening things he picked out for them he said, and I quote, "now I really can't wait for Christmas"!!!  Wow!!!

And as I sat in that little gym at the kids school today for some reason I was reminded once again that I live in what is arguably the best country in the world.  No lunatics showed up with machine guns,  nor did any mad suicide bombers screaming their religion.  I don't need to look any further than any American news site to realize I would never even want to live in the world of our great neighbour to the south. let alone places like Pakistan, Syria, Russia, to name a few.  Thank you Mom and Dad!!!

And that's it.  I hope to have a decent run in the morning, and then wish me luck at the doctors.

Computrainer 75 mins, 60 mins @ 170 watts

"Luck is believing you're lucky."---Tennessee Williams

Love
Peter

"Cold and Caged"

I felt a little like this guy today.

Isn't he cute with his pink nose and pink toes?

As I felt like a kindred spirit, I let him go.

After that I took my own advice and went to the pool.  Glad to do something.

swim, 1000 metres

"To be human is to keep rattling the bars of the cage of existence, hollering, 'What's it for?'"---Robert Fulghum

Love

Peter

"Up And Down Day Two"

I'm quite proud of myself actually because I've managed to stay up most of the day, despite the fact that someone turned my power switch off!  I knew as soon as I started running!   I now have absolutely no doubt that something funny is going on with my heart, and while it pisses me off, it is what it is.  I will continue to do what I can do, and learn to live with what I can't do.  The good thing is that as I move beyond the denial stage I'm learning to make better decisions.  Once I knew it wasn't gonna work today I walked most of the rest of the way back home.

A funny coincidence today was getting an email about a project that U of T is undertaking to study the effects of long term endurance training on heart health.  The accompanying material specifically talks about atrial flutter, and atrial fibrillation.  I'm considering applying.

And while I have stayed positive all day, I'm now ready to download a new book, and go hibernate.  Only 10 more sleeps kids!

...and this is what I'm gonna do...

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart."---Confucius

Love

Peter

"An Up And Down Day"

Sounds like life eh?  Without no downs, there can't be no ups I suppose.  Then again that sounds like a bit of a compromise at best, and at worst, just a cynical attitude.  Why can't it all be up?

And while some might make the challenge that you wouldn't even recognize good feelings without the bad, I figure I'm beyond that point.  I knew damn well  during my workout today, and for several hours afterwards, that I felt good.

Then of course one must consider the possibility that the things one does to feel good in the short term, can have the opposite effect in the long term.  That may explain some of my recent frustrations with my health, as I consider the possibility that my fitness obsessions may have a long term negative consequence?

Or then again. maybe it's all just bullshit and I should just shut up and get on with it...whatever it may be!

Regardless it was still an up and down kind of day, and Michael gave me permission to whine.  I woke up very tired and can again report a myriad of insane dreams which included driving in a winter storm without headlights,  people who could run as fast as cars, and this is the best yet..... calves with extra distorted heads on the ends of extra appendages....very disturbing!!

Then I felt quite a bit better after having breakfast with a friend who thinks he has child problems.  His kids likes to smoke marijuana, and doesn't like to work for a living.  I told him those were all good things!

I also felt quite good throughout my workout, as it was the best kind.  The kind where you start out tentatively, but get stronger and stronger as it wears on.  There is definitely a difference in how my body reacts to riding as opposed to running.  I have to figure that out.  I can also tell you that I'm already ready for summer, so that I can take my bike and disappear form the world for hours at a time.

Then after eating and reading for a bit I fell asleep and have felt crappy ever since.  My chest feels heavy and I feel lethargic.

Life goes on...

I'm gonna wrap some Xmas presents.

computariner 90 mins, 60 mins @ 167 watts

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet."---Tim Vine

Love
Peter

"To Whine or Not to Whine"

I hate whiners.  Those people who's lives are so filled with misery, and so filled with the need to tell everyone about it.  We all know them.  Complainers about their job, their neighbours, their husband/wife/kids, the government, the weather, the colour of the rainbow etc.!!

Yup!  Lots of people bitching about everything, but I'm sure we can agree that the most annoying of all the whiners are those who bitch about their health.  My throat, my back, my sinuses, my ears. my eyes, my head, my joints, my stomach, my heart, my lungs, my dick, my pussy, .....yadda, yadda, yadda.

I don't want to be one of those people for a couple of reasons.  First because it doesn't generally help at all, and in fact can do the exact opposite.  And secondly, because I just don't like it.  I don't care to listen to someone else's litany of  ills, and I don't care to burden others with mine.

But....I admit that I find it difficult at times to properly report on my life and my training, without sharing my frustrations with my ongoing health.  Please know that when I do, it is not with any intent to solicit sympathy because I really don't care if you don't care.  And furthermore, if It ever sounds like that to you I would encourage you to let me hear about it.  In return I promise that I will try to unemotionally give you the facts as I know them, but also that I will try my best to focus on the positive.

So....the last two days, I felt like crap,  but last night I slept better, and today I felt better.  I hope it's a trend.  Speaking of trends, Roo bought me a nice home blood pressure machine which takes 3 successive readings and averages them, and then saves all the data.  The last couple of days have shown a very positive trend, despite my high level of anxiety.  That's gotta be good news!

And while I was slow, I managed a trouble free 15 kms in moderate weather today.  I'll take it!

run, 15 kms

And I think this is the first time I've ever looked for a "whine" quote.  Not too hard to find!

If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it."---Anthony J D'Angelo

Want to raise children who will be happy adults? Teach them not to whine."---Dennis Prager

You can only whine for so long. Then you need to get your life back."---Marya Hornbacher

Love
Peter

"T.G.I.F."

Easy ride, 45 mins

"If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough."---Meister Eckhart

Love

Peter

"Today I Won"

Some days I won't, but I'm glad to report that my resolve to relax when things don't go well has lasted for at least a day.

I went for a short but nice little swim this morning, and then tried running when I got home.  I lasted for 1 km!!  I walk/jogged the block just to burn a few calories, and that was it!

I managed to keep it all in perspective by reminding myself that 3 of the last 4 days were good, and also by anticipating another good one tomorrow.

I spent the afternoon working on Miguette's latest seniors project, and I think that really helped me.  It had a two fold benefit.  It reminded me that I'm still relatively young, and it made me grateful to be able to do something for someone else.

So I'm good!  Life goes on.

750 m swim, 7.5 km walk/jog

"With confidence, you have won before you have started."---Marcus Garvey

Love
Peter

"Feeling Good"

I'm trying to live in the moment, but of course that's easier when I feel good.  My body's responses remain a mystery to me, but I just need to learn to accept that.  I was hoping to learn something by way of this heart monitor they promised, but it turns out I have to wait until January.

And the level of disappointment I felt when I found that out was not good.  After my initial frustration, I have regrouped and got myself calmed down.   I can't let the anxiety run me.

I was reading an interesting article by a guy who had visited the city of Pripyat, abandoned as a result of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster thirty years ago.  The thing I found interesting were his observations about his own health.  Apparently he had all the right equipment to measure any danger, and while both the equipment, and the experts told him he was completely safe, he never the less started to feel physically ill.  He found it amazing how powerful the fear itself was.  The silent threat he called it.

It reminds me one more time how physical illness can become a self fulfilling prophecy, driven by fear and anxiety.  I am very much an emotional person, and am probably vulnerable to a bit of hypochondria.  I resolve to do better!

And like I said.  Today was a good day.  Probably the best basement ride I have had yet.  And all while watching Rise of the Planet of the Apes!

I always thought that watching movies would be a negative distraction when riding hard, but I've been trying it for the first time this year, and so far I've not found it so.  I think that intense movies are probably the best thing however, so if you got any suggestions let's hear them.

And that's it for today.  Have a good one!

computrainer, 1:45, 1:05 @ 176 watts 

"The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases."---Caskie Stinnett

Love

Peter

"Another Day"

And only sixteen more sleeps til Xmas.  I can't wait!

10 km easy run

Love
Peter

"And One Step Back"

Although I was happy with my run yesterday I still knew it was quite tough.  It wasn't until this morning that I knew how tough.  Despite some more dreams I slept somewhat better, and yet I woke up feeling very, very, sluggish.  As soon as I got on my bike I knew it would be an easy ride day.  I never even bothered to start the computer up, but just rode in manual mode where I control the resistance myself.

It's now 9:00 pm and after an easy day of just for my grandchildren, and relaxing at the mall, I still feel like absolute crap!   Kinda frustrating I gotta say.  Well no!  It mades me madder than fuck actually!!

Deep breath......

But wouldn't it be nice to have just one day where your shoulder didn't throb, and your hips didn't ache, and your throat didn't burn, and your chest didn't feel stomped on?  Isn't it funny how when you're young, you think it's always gonna feel that way...

computrainer easy ride, 75 mins

"Expectation is the mother of all frustration."---Antonio Banderas

Love
Peter

"Going Everywhere"

Not getting anywhere!!

My unrelenting dreams continue with the same themes, and get even more bizarre if that's possible.    Basically I'm always working my ass off to arrive somewhere, and never getting there.  This morning I woke up at 3 a.m. totally exhausted.  My heart was racing, and I was literally short of breath.

To give you some idea

...night before last I was somehow invited to help Adrian at his work for a day only to find on the way there that I had forgotten my work boots.  Having once worked at the same place I knew they wouldn't let me work without them, so I rushed back home so as not to embarrass him by being late.  Rushing didn't work, as every corner I turned just brought me to dead ends, and closed off roads.  Somehow I ended up on my bike, but still to no avail.  Despite all the furious pedalling I could deliver, I could not get any closer to home.  I had pretty well conceded defeat before I woke up.

...last night was even weirder.  I was at a strange kind of race, one that began with a mass bike start.  That is itself would be insanity, but never the less that's what I was faced with.  Somehow I knew that the race was only a tuneup for me, and so I decided to hang back at the start.  Just as well because I quickly realized that I didn't have any water. After I half ass corrected that (a Costco bottle with no lid), and was finally ready to be the last guy out on the course, I remember clearly looking at that vacant spot on my handlebars where my bike computer was supposed to be mounted!  Idiot!  Regardless I headed out on my bike without it, but only to quickly find myself on  the next portion of the race.  And while any normal dream would have transitioned me to running or maybe even swimming, that was not to be.  What did I find myself doing, and of course doing with reckless abandon?  Climbing!  Yup climbing as fast as I could, and then back down in the same fashion.  Of course you're thinking maybe I'm climbing a hill, or some steps, or a ladder, or maybe even a building?  Nope!  That's for normal dreamers.  You'll be delighted to know that with every bit of skill and athleticism I possess, and with every bit of energy and commitment, I was climbing a clothes rack!!
A seemingly endless wire rack which  reminded me of the type of thing you would see at an event as display shelving.  I clearly remember tearing things out of my way as I flew up and down the shelves.  Then I woke up!!

And as to analyzing all this nonsense I suspect it's all about growing older, and facing self doubt.  Maybe even some issues of self worth. It feels like there's things left undone, and until I either get them done, or learn to accept them for what they are, that I'll continue to wrestle with them.  The recurring themes of my dreams definitely involve my children, my work, and my triathlon, the last I believe just being a metaphor for my health.

I'm gonna explore that I bit more, and focus initially on the easy part---getting undone stuff done.  Then I'll work on the "things I cannot change".

And as to my day you may recall that I predicted it would be a good one, and I suppose perhaps that would make it was a self fulfilling kind of thing.  It hinged a little bit on how my long run was gonna go, and I am happy to report an event free 25 kms.  I was extremely tired from a sleepless night which would explain my slow pace, but the most important thing was that I felt normal again.  This was the quickest recovery yet from my recent series of problems, and I'm pretty sure it's because I used my brain a little more this time.  Other than in my dreams, I backed off when things didn't feel right.

run 25 kms, 5:25/km

"Progress is impossible without change, and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything."---George Bernard Shaw

"If there is no struggle, there is no progress."---Frederick Douglass

Love

Peter

"Peter 2"

Squirrels Nil!  Yup!  Got another one of the rodents!

My life is perfect!

Tomorrow I'm gonna try to run 25 kms again.

We shall see if my life's still perfect after that.

Went to see Elly but she wasn't home.  Damn!

But I got to see Cory, Mary, Teresa, Larry and Betty.

Seven out of twelve, that's not bad.

And of course I also seen my Jonathan, and that makes any day special!

I have a feeling that tomorrow's gonna be special too.

Love
Peter

"I Changed My Mind"

I always said put me on an ice floe when my time draws near, but now I got a much better idea.  Apparently they're planning a manned flight to Mars right about that time, and I plan on being on it!  I don't know how yet, but I'm determined. May as well be me as anyone else eh? I may even decide to live til 85 if I have to!

And it certainly sounds a lot more interesting than "drifting" off to sleep somewhere in the Arctic ocean. Hell, you know what?  If they told me I could go today, but that I'd probably not be able to come back I'm pretty sure I'd sign up.  Can you imagine?!

But alas.  I don't think they're ready to go yet, so I have lots of time to develop a strategy.  Meanwhile I still got a lot of life to live here on good old terra firma, so that's what I'm trying to do.

I had quite a good day and despite ongoing wacky dreams I knew as soon as I woke up that I was feeling pretty good physically.  My heart rate was down to it's pre bullshit levels, and I had a decent basement ride.

The rest of the day was filled with battery charging, sawing, sanding, screwing (no not that kind!) staining, and topped off with the ultimate....squirrel catching.  And while all of those things were fun, the squirrel part was definitely the best!  There's nothing more pleasurable than watching a squirrel in a cage.  Poor little buggers just about loose their minds, and as the squirrel catcher it is so good to be in control for once.  They always think they're so damn smart!

I couldn't decide whether to let him rot in the cage, kill him quickly in the cage, kill him as he was leaving the cage, or whether to just let the little bastard go.

In the end I decided on the last option, but 5 kms from our house!!  He'll probably be back tomorrow!

And as to why I would bother to catch a squirrel, it's just in the interest of thinning out the ranks a bit. Unfortunately they are so well fed just from what the birds drop, that they don't even have to try to get to the feeders.  We have created a kind of squirrel heaven, and since they now totally ignore Roo's threats, we have to get serious.  I'm not 100% sure, but the other day I thought I heard one of them giggling when Roo came out in her housecoat with her pellet gun!!

And that's it.  Tomorrow's gonna be an easy day, so maybe I'll go visit Elly.  Whether I'm feeling crappy, or feeling good, a visit with her always makes it better!

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins @ 160 watts

"The squirrel that you kill in jest, dies in earnest."---Henry David Thoreau

"You can't be friends with a squirrel! A squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit."---Sarah Jessica Parker

Love
Peter

"Laying Low"

I need a few uncluttered days so the posts will remain short.  I think I have been making my search for better health just a wee bit too complicated.  

A brief update however. so no one's worrying.  I'm back on the stupid thyroid medication after my latest blood test.  TSH is out to lunch again, so I guess I lost that battle!  And I'm gonna wear a Holtor monitor for 72 hours to see what my hearts doing over time. All is well! 

And it was such a glorious afternoon that I decided to go for a run although I had already done my bike workout!!

80 mins, easy basement ride

7.3 km easy run

“Out of clutter, find simplicity.”---Albert Einstein

Love

Peter

"No Post Tonite"

Just too lazy!

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."---Milan Kundera
run 10 kms easy

Love
Peter

"More Dogs, Dogs Killing Baby Goats, Flash Floods, and What a Difference a Day Makes"

Just so you don't think I'm insane (although this isn't proof I'm not), the first 3 references are from my dreams again.  And while Odd John may well be right that I already know on a subconscious level what my bizarre dreams mean, trust me it's pretty well buried.  I wish he would just tell me and cut the suspense!

When I asked the rhetorical question yesterday about the nights possible dreams I never guessed that they would be even more bizarre.

I also believe that there was a fourth element to last nights wackiness that I couldn't hold onto into wakefulness, and maybe that was the relevant part.  I don't know.  What I do know is that when I dream like this I inevitably wake up feeling stressed. Who wouldn't I suppose?  I seen the dead goats, and I was somehow responsible for hiding them from my grandchildren.

Hmmm?  I wonder if that's a clue, eh John?

And before you say it  Elly, no I never saw the goats!  I seen them!  Same way as I seen everything else I seen!

The flooding thing is a recurring theme which usually involves my place of residence, although the place is not recognizable as any place I have ever actually lived.   It also usually involves water coming from, and/or returning to, underground sources as opposed to from the skies.  There always seems to be significant danger of people and things disappearing into these death traps.

Maybe tonite I should make a decision what to dream about.  I seem to recall reading that some people think it's possible to make this determination up front..  Maybe I could dream about finishing an ironman in Mont Tremblant??  Or would that be a fantasy as opposed to a dream?

The last reference in my title is exactly what it sounds like.  I knew even before I headed out for my 7 to 10 km run that it was in some doubt.  I kept an open mind, but I was still pretty tentative.  There is still lots of doubt as to whether my HRM can capture this arrhythmia I told you about. but with each passing day I'm more confident that it does.

I couldn't get it to settle down either before or during the run, and for once I used common sense and just walked.  The beauty of that decision is that I can try again tomorrow.  Normally I never allow myself two running days in a row but today's effort doesn't count.

And not that this is proof of anything either, but just out of curiosity I wore the HRM for 5 hours this afternoon. It never went up once!!!

And other than the lame run, I had a pretty good day.  I think as the hours wore on I probably started feeling grateful that my dreams are just my dreams.  No goats, no dogs, and no floods.  And of course yesterday, is always yesterday.  Gone!!

walk/run 7 kms

"But that was yesterday, and yesterday's gone"---Chad Stuart of Chad and Jeremy

"Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away"---Paul McCartney

The interpretation of dreams is the royal road to a knowledge of the unconscious activities of the mind."---Sigmund Freud

Love
Peter

"Strange Day"

It was a bizarre night of dreams that left me shaken and depressed when I finally awoke for good at about 5:45.  I don't know why I continue to have these nightmarish nights, and I am especially puzzled by the fact that they still continue to include work related people and situations.  Last night included not just former Magna employees, it also featured a very mean dog, and an even meaner bear, and a snowmobile!!  wtf??

There must be something I still haven't come to terms with, something in my life that I'm not facing during waking hours.  And it occurs to me that maybe I'm not working hard enough to figure it out, for fear of learning what it is??

But.....it's gonna wait another day at least.

And regardless of the reason, I was pretty annoyed to wake up feeling the way I did, and quickly decided it was gonna be a lay low day.  I had a good workout yesterday from which I expected to be tired, so I also planned a very easy basement ride.

Although not the long term answer to my dreams, I suppose that worry about my health is a current stressor, and could be contributing.  I made sure to keep plodding along on my mission of discovery, so after dropping the kids at school, I sat at the lab for 45 minutes to get my blood work done, and I also made a follow-up appt with the doctor for Thursday.

The strange part of the day started after that, as I was preparing for my easy ride.  I already had my HRM on, and was just checking something on the computer when I noticed that my pulse was back down to it's normal resting number in the low 50's.  For several days (including when I was  laying in bed this morning) it has hovered around 60 which is just higher than my historical norm.

And while I was pleased with that I didn't initially think  too much of it.

Until I got on my bike and found that my rate was not going up very fast.  But I figured it was just fatigue and indeed it gradually started to go up.  But while thought I was probably just dogging it, what was surprising is that my power continued to go up as well.

In the end I had the best basement ride I have since heading down there in October!!  And I felt really good.  Contrary to expectations, no residual fatigue from yesterdays run.  I finished very strong and got my heart rate up to 140, which is quite good for a bike workout.

Strange.

But even if today may only be an exception to my recent struggles, I choose to find the positive in it.  It seems to me that it's at least an indication that my overall fitness remains quite good.  I feel close to a resolution of my problem, and once I have that I'm sure I'll also have a solution, so it will be full speed ahead!  Game on!

I wonder what I'm gonna dream about tonite?

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins at 174 watts

...and while this quote isn't really relevant to my post I found it very poignant, very moving considering the author...

"It is strange to be known so universally and yet to be so lonely."---Albert Einstein

...and another good one...

"Isn't it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most?"---Charles Lindbergh

Love
Peter

"Close Enough"

I should probably have quit at 18 kms, but by that time I wasn't stopping any more.  I was 2 kms from home, and knew that I would be okay.  I was very tired by the end, but am glad to report that it felt like a fairly normal tired.  I did however feel a bit faint when I finished up, and I was definitely more tired than I should have been at that pace, for that distance.  The good news is that I never felt the horrible chest tightness that I've come to recognize as the end!!

Tomorrow morning I will get my blood-work done, and make a doctors appt.  I'm very interested to see what he has to say about this Afib thing.  Perhaps I've talked myself into another answer, but I am cautiously optimistic about this one.  I think if I manage to get a diagnosis, that in itself will help me feel better right away.

I spent the afternoon in a more useful undertaking, that of building something called a busy board.  It's this wooden board with a bunch of mechanical hardware type gadgets screwed onto it, and it's purpose is to keep the old people at the home "busy".

And while I admire the intentions of the seniors home staff, especially our Miguette who's project this is, and while it was gratifying to build the thing knowing that my efforts were going to a good cause, it also got me thinking.

This thing is just to keep somebody busy?  What's the point of that?  I don't ever want to be busy just for the sake of it.  Will there come a time in my life when someone makes an effort just to keep me busy??  I hope NOT!!

As soon as I can't hold an intelligent conversation anymore  throw me off a fucking cliff please.  That'll keep me busy for about 5 seconds, and after that, there won't be a need!  Adrian promised me that he has a plan!  He better step up when the time comes.

And that's it for today.  I gotta get to bed early cause I got a busy day tomorrow.....

run 20 kms, 5:27/km

“Stop chasing another busy self to become. Your real self is idle waiting to be lived... Go, take up your real self!”---Israelmore Ayiyor

Love

Peter

"That Didn't Take Long"

One day without working out, and I'm anxious.  Man am I a  messed up dude!

I know what I need to do, but as yet I haven't started.

Swim Peter swim!

I'm pretty sure that would help me with the heebie-jeebies, and on top of that it's a great way to take advantage of this uncertain time.

Tomorrow I'm gonna run, and then come Monday I promise to start going to the pool at least 3 times a week.

And contrary to my earlier suggestion that I may keep my runs under 10 kms, the new plan is to run until it doesn't feel right....and then stop!!

Let's see if I have the courage...or is that the brains?

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart."---Robert Green Ingersoll

"Say and do something positive that will help the situation; it doesn't take any brains to complain."---Robert A Cook

Love
Peter

"No Matter Which Way I Turn"

I face the same problem.  The problem that all  people face their entire lives, and few manage to embrace.

Change!

When I worry about my health, what I'm really troubled by is potential unwanted change.

I'm not in the least worried about any significant illness or disease, or at least as most people would see it.

I'm worried that I won't be able to keep doing the stuff I'm doing.

And yet my brain tells me that one way or other, there's gonna come a time.

I need to get my head around the real possibility that it will come sooner rather than later.

I am 100% sure that when I get to that point, I will be happier.

And I'm also a wee bit suspicious that I may even be healthier.

Researching this atrial fibrillation thing has already taught me something.  For as long as I can remember, I categorically rejected the idea that you can over stress your heart.  In my reading it seems apparent that, yes you can!  It clearly doesn't mean that exercise is bad for anyone, but maybe too mush exercise is.  Of course I don't even know that I have this problem, but the very fact that some people do indeed develop it from years of training, is in itself a sobering thought.

And while I'm not done with Ironman just yet, I need to start crafting a new picture of the future.  One that involves a better balance.  Maybe half Ironman eh?

Change!

Damn!

And speaking of change I made one for you HOJ.  I'm pretty sure I've never in the past allowed anonymous comments on my blogs, but since you asked....it's done!

computrainer 90  mins, 60 mins at 151 watts

I'm reminded again of one of the reasons I keep writing this blog.  The whole exercise of putting my thoughts down and then searching for some supporting quotations, feels so healthy.  I get inspired by my own thoughts, if that doesn't sound too self serving, and then I often find that the inspirational words of others take me to the next level.

In other words, I am inspired to "change".

....for example....

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."---Carl Rogers

It just bowls me over!!

Love
Peter

"Another Day"

Changed the oil in Roo's car today, so I qualified for another day of running.
It wasn't perfect, but again it was a bit better then the previous effort.  That's all a man can ask.

Now my grand children are here for the night.  Woohoo!

Life is good, and I am grateful!

run 7 kms, 4:54/km

"I'm too grateful to be hateful. I am too blessed to be stressed."---El DeBarge

Love

Peter

"That's When I'll Stop"

I decided today that I'll stop running as soon as I'm no longer able to change the oil in my truck.  That should be a goodly long time yet, due mostly to the fact that neither takes much brain power.

Actually the oil change thing probably needs a little more, and at the very least calls for a bit of planning.....planning that I never used today!

You see I had the truck up on the ramps, the skid plate removed (which in the end wasn't necessary), I had the oil drained, and the filter removed.  It was at that point that I realized that my old filter looked different than the new replacement one I bought at Can Tire.  The new one was shorter.

Damn!  Stupid Canadian Tire!  Their numbering system must be wrong because I'm sure I got the one that the book said!

So off to the Ford dealer to get the exact replacement.  I'll just run uptown....in what?  Roo wasn't home nor were any of the neighbours.  Short of putting the old oil back in, and the old filter back on, I was screwed!

Oh well.  I have no life anyway so I just waited for Roo to get back and then drove to the dealer.  I bought the exact Ford specified filter for 9 bucks and drove back home, only to find that it looked exactly like the other new one I already had!

Bastards!  It seem like the nondescript FoMoCo filter they install at the factory is simply different for some reason.  Oh well.  Now I already have a filter for my next change.  Lets see if my old brain still remembers that in 6 months??

Anyway,  while I became more and more certain that I still have some kind of medical issue, I also don't think it's anything that will cause me serious life issues.  I'm slowly starting to come to terms with the possibility that Ironman may not be in my future.  That being said, I fully intend on running regularly until I can't change the oil any more.

Besides, I have a new lead!  Talking to an old runner friend today I was reminded of something he said to me a couple of years ago.  I looked it up and will go ask the doctor about it in a few weeks.  Cory already considers it a real possibility. Exercise induced atrial fibrillation!

Apparently it's not uncommon for old endurance athletes to develop this form of heart arrhythmia, and since the condition can be intermittent, it may not even show up on an ECG.  Probably just grasping at straws, and it's certainly not something I want to have, but I should at least ask.  I was surprised by the significant number of hits I got when I googled it!  I also hope to hear what Elly thinks of the whole idea because she's pretty well an expert on the topic!

But I don't want you to think I'm obsessing over it cause I ain't, and I don't want you to worry because everything I read suggests that you're still better off with this condition caused by exercise, than you would be if you didn't exercise.  The only consideration may be how much you exercise, and as I already told you I'm preparing for the reductions that may eventual come.  Life is good.

Besides, it's probably more dangerous to change your oil with a heart condition than is is to go running.  After all I find getting up from the concrete to be more taxing than running hills!

And while my bike ride in the basement today was okay, I can clearly tell that I'm at low tide.  I will try running again tomorrow with 2 promises.  If I get slammed with the feeling I will stop right away and walk home, and I won't go more that 10 kms regardless of how good I feel.

Oh and I got the roof finished up today, the oil changed of course, and Roo's bird watering device all winterized.  It was another successful day.  Did I tell you that life is good?!

basement ride 90 mins, 60 mins @ 150 watts

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."---Confucius

Love

Peter

"A Day Of Intensity"

After a fantastic dinner last night as guests of our dear friends Deb and Ky I was feeling pretty good.

Have I ever told you about these two by the way?  Sometimes I wonder at the wealth of friends we have from various walks of life, and yet I think it's okay to take some credit for that.  I'm proud of the open mindedness that Roo and I have both acquired over the last several years, or perhaps rather than having acquired, it may be more appropriate to say having been taught by our children, as well as all those aforementioned friends.  I remember clearly feeling a wee bit nervous the first time we were out in public with this same sex couple, and now some years later it doesn't even seem weird.  Not that they themselves aren't weird, but I guess that goes without saying as the proof of it lies in the fact that they like us as well.  :)

But I digress.  I didn't intend a boast about our liberal attitudes, but rather a boast about this exceptional couple who also happen to be our friends, and the fact that after several hours of great conversation I was feeling relaxed for the first time in days.  Thank you ladies!!  You are my friends!

So I managed to get to sleep fairly well despite the fact that our pool fence is totally decimated in the back yard, and that mixed in with that carnage are at least 40 roof shingles.  I managed to go to sleep despite several serious, down to the plywood, bare spots on our roof.  Holy cow!!

But!  It lasted until about 4 am at which time I went to Tim Hortons and bought a large coffee and 2 apple fritters.  The plan was to have my breakfast and then crawl back into bed for a few hours.

Didn't happen!

And I know why.

It's all about control!

You see the wind was still howling, it had gotten quite a bit colder, there were snowflakes in the air, and I was feeling old.  There was a timeline on the situation because eventually it was gonna either rain again which would create an obvious problem, or it would start snowing seriously which would  make for a dangerous situation.  I was so terribly afraid that I would have to call someone else to come and fix my roof, and the very idea of giving up that kind of control, let alone paying someone to take it was just about more than my psyche could handle.  I had this vision of some arrogant asshole explaining to the dumb civilian, how he would need to do this, and need to do that, and that it was all very complicated, and very costly, and this old grampa should just stay out of the way!!

How am I ever gonna cope as the years wear on, and my body wears out, and I simply can not do this stuff anymore?  Right now I don't know.....

So of course that left me with no choice for today!

So I took control.

Business first though, so after my donuts,I polished up the final version of my lawyer letter and fired that off to all the interested (or not interested) parties, and got that out of the way.  I know I alluded to my latest lawyer visit last night, but what I didn't tell you was that after he read my draft he gave it his 100% blessing!  Even the relevant legal nuances I had correct!  I was pretty proud!

Then after that I drove to London to buy shingles (I live in a one horse town), but by the time I was back it was still way too windy to climb on the roof, and I was alternately too tired, and too hyped to do so anyway.

So I said screw it, and went running.  I went  super slo-mo, but I'm happy to report that I made it around the block without falling apart.  Very tenuous but very refreshing, and of course the best part was that it diffused a good portion of my anxiety.  I'm toying with the idea of keeping it under 10 kms per trip, perhaps until the end of the year.  Maybe all I need is a rest?  I'm still thinking however.

By the time I got out of my running stuff and into some warm working clothes the wind had let up a bit.  I decided to get my tools sorted out, get my ladder up and tied off, and maybe just go up and have a look.  What I found was the exact same mess I left it yesterday when I had scrambled up there in the middle of the wind storm to indiscriminately pound nails in everywhere just to keep the whole thing from coming off.  I had  already decided that we will replace the entire garage portion come spring time, but in the interim it was gonna be quite a challenge to patch it up enough to make it waterproof.

So while I'm debating tactics and still feeling  a wee bit overwhelmed I get a powerful shot in the arm.  My youngest son shows up in the garage with a message from his mother, and a can-do attitude.  The message was, "Mom says she needs me to help you so that she doesn't worry about you falling off the roof".  Okay!  The can-do attitude was of his own doing, and while he applies that to most things in his life it was still a powerful motivator when he applied it to my project.

And of course along with his enthusiasm Adrian brought his young strong muscles, not to mention the fact that in this particular situation I didn't have to give up much control.

I'm proud to say that my youngest motivated me today, and perhaps even in a way he never realized.  You see we were working away cleaning up the old nails, and tearing off ripped shingles until it came time to bring some new ones up on to the roof.  I went down and wrestled a 70 pound bundle up the ladder, all the time wondering if I could still do it.  It was with a bit of surprise that I realized that I could handle it not too badly.  I wouldn't want to carry 100 such bundles up, but I think I could safely do 10 without tearing or breaking something.

But no matter how confidence building that little feat was, Adrain had still saved the best for me.  You see, when it was time to get the next bundle he took charge and hustled on down.  I continued what I was doing and never noticed that he was on his way back until he called me from the top of the ladder.  He had the bundle of shingles over his shoulder, and while grunting to get them the last few feet he wondered out loud, how I have ever managed to get them up??!!  I went over and provided just a wee bit of assistance!! I don't think he knows what happened to my spirits at that moment!!

Anyway, what started out to be a daunting task turned out to be an intense yet gratifying 3 hours spent on the roof with one of my favourite people.  I still have a bunch of caulking to do tomorrow, but that's a one man job, and it looks like the weather's gonna hold up/  Thank you Adrian!!  You are my son!!

Then a nap!

Then to Home Hardware to buy a new caulking gun, with a brief stop on the way to see another of my amazing offspring.

Unfortunately I left just before she scored, but more importantly Roo and Mom were there. I think that goal will keep Roo on a high for about a week. Thanks Ky. You are my granddaughter!

So intensity was definitely the word for the day, and although I'm very tired now, it's a good tired. However I've stopped trying to fool myself that it's gonna result in a sleep for the ages, as after six years of wishing I know that dream (pun intended) went away with my cancer treatments. I'll settle for a half assed sleep! After all, that's the way I do everything else in life. :)

Thanks everyone for reading! You are my family.

run 7.5 kms
"Intense love does not measure, it just gives."---Mother Teresa

Love
Peter

"The Pool Cover Blew Off"

Then the fence blew away!
Then the roof blew off!

And I'm left with this great sense of gratitude that I have a place with a pool, and a fence, and a roof!
But better than that I have someone to share it with!

Lawyer visit went great!

Time to go to bed!

Love
Peter

"Vengeance is Mine!"

Said the Lord!
I must have gotten too cocky.

I'm totally flabbergasted.  That word seems so appropriate for my feelings right now but I thought I better look up the formal definition just in case.

...and the dictionary said...

adjective: astonished, amazed, stunned, overcome, overwhelmed, staggered, astounded, dazed, confounded, disconcerted, speechless, bowled over (informal), gobsmacked (Brit. slang), dumbfounded, nonplussed, struck dumb, abashed, lost for words, rendered speechless.

And while the last two never seem to apply to me---to the regret of all those around me---all of the rest seem appropriate.  Maybe it's because I've got Sally on the brain so much, but I specially like gobsmacked!  I can hear her say it!

It was only one week ago that I officially announced myself back from hell.  I had completed a fantastic 25 kms, and in my own words declared vengeance on whatever it was that ailed me.

Since that run I have taken things very easy, and yet on Thursday I suddenly felt the temporary return of my malaise.  At least I thought it was temporary!

I determined to avoid another long run for the moment just to get myself through this "temporary" setback.

Today I was totally gassed and walking by 5 kms.  After 2-3 minutes I was calm again, and managed to finish my 8 kms, but I felt like I had run a marathon by the time I got back to the driveway.

My heart rate was petty well normal for the speed I was running, but the overall fatigue is off the scale!

For the rest of the day I have felt faint and nauseous.  It feels similar to the after effects of a hot summer run when I let myself get dehydrated.

I don't know where to turn!

I'm tying hard to relax but it's frightening.

Of course that's only because I'm way too dependant on my running.

But it is what it is.

I'm probably grasping at straws, but I'm hoping it's just stress related.  It's probably hard to understand, and I suppose perhaps it indicates an inherent inability to cope on my part, but I am experiencing as much stress right now as at the tensest moments of my career.  Crazy eh?  Not sleeping, circular thinking, overeating....all over someone else's problems!

Like I said.  I'm hoping that the stress is manifesting itself in these physical symptoms.

.....but I don't really believe it...

Regardless, I think the only option is to back right off once more, and then gradually build up again.  Hopefully it's just a case of one step back, before two forward again.  

And above all else I acknowledge the need to stay calm.  As crazy as this seems I think my lawyer meeting tomorrow will help.  I like the man quite a lot.  He has a great sense of humour, and a great sense of logic, two qualities I aspire to myself.  He helps me to diffuse the emotion of the situation. 

run/walk 8 kms

...and this is as insightful as anything I've read for some time...

"Many of us feel stress and get overwhelmed not because we're taking on too much, but because we're taking on too little of what really strengthens us."---Marcus Buckingham

Tomorrow Roo and I are gonna visit a couple of dear friends and take on some of what strengthens us.  I bet it works!!  I promise to tell you about it.

Love

Peter

"Lunch Date"

It was a long tension filled day, that was somehow all made okay by this little girl.

When Brooklyn said "I'm hungry", I knew I had a brief reprieve.  Just her and I and Snuffies went to the local family restaurant and talked lots about Nanny Sally

Then later I stumbled upon this old pic of another young lady, taken  some 21 years ago.

At Sallys wedding, and it's a picture I took!!  Ain't she beautiful!!

And it seems that by the end of the day, all my tension is gone, and I feel grateful.  Must be the women in my life!

"In every girl is a goddess." --- Francesca Lia Block

Love
Peter

"My Mind is Blank"

Well actually that's probably the wrong description.  I suppose it's really the exact opposite.  My mind is cluttered, and feels disorganized.  I'm sure it's because I  have a meeting at Sally's house tomorrow; a meeting I suspect will be a defining moment in the whole saga.  I'm just a wee bit nervous, which explains the brain clutter.  From a practical perspective I'm prepared though, so I know it will be okay.  Just have to remember my objectives, and remember that Sall's watching I suppose.  Stick with me, my friend.

I did take it relatively easy in the basement today as promised, but finished strong, and actually felt pretty good.  What with the meeting and all, I will probably take tomorrow completely off.

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins @ 160

...I like this...

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."---Aristotle

Love
Peter

"A Case of Nerves"

I had a really tough sleep last night as in, not getting any.  I received a nasty letter yesterday from a lawyer who is trying to help someone steal Sally's money.  I believed that I had done everything right, and yet when a lawyer starts throwing words and paragraphs at you, it can get a bit intimidating.  I got up several times throughout the night to check on one or another piece of evidence I thought I may have, and indeed by about 6 am I was content.  Fortunately I'm pretty good at paragraphs as well, and as a matter of fact I'm comfortable that they're gonna be damn sorry that they ever started screwing with me!  It's gonna cost em!  Assholes!!

Then I had a busy morning getting everything in order for the nice people who bought Sally's car, and while this was more enjoyable, it was still a bit stressful, as I was very tired.

By about 2 pm I was ready to head out into the january weather for a quick run, and that simply went badly.  I got that horrible chest heaviness by about 4 kms, and ended up walking for a good part of the way home.  Yes, it was really crappy out there, but I was still shocked when the feeling came upon me!!

I'm trying very hard to just chalk it up to tiredness along with tension and anxiety, as I know dmm well that these can be a powerful factors.  My problem is that I know of only one way to effectively combat anxiety, and that is exercise.  One more stupid time I convinced myself that if I could only get a bit of booze in me that it might be the answer.  It's now not even 10 pm, and I feel totally crappy from the 3 drinks I had.
Damn!

So tomorrow I need to mellow out.  It's still gonna stay cold for another day, so maybe I'll just ride easy, and do a little work in the shed.  Maybe I'll hook up the snowblower in order to be prepared for the rain that's coming on the weekend  :)

And lastly for today, a big shout-out to my number one son.  He doesn't read this, but if I'm gonna whine about him publicly, I also want you to know that he made a difficult decision today.  It cost him some time with his daughter, but I'm sure it raised him in her eyes, and made her happy.

run/walk 7.5 kms

"Oh the nerves, the nerves; the mysteries of this machine called man! Oh the little that unhinges it, poor creatures that we are!"---Charles Dickens

Love
Peter

"I Found It!"

It took 3 months but I found what I lost.  What's somewhat frustrating is that it took me six months to lose it, and I thought I had lost it for good!!

Of course I'm talking about the 10 pounds of body fat that I worked so damn hard to get rid of.  I am officially back to 170 pounds, and while I'm not overly happy about it, I'm also not too worried.

I probably need to get back to calorie counting at some point but I have decided that it can wait until the new year.  Life's too short.

And it seems like I probably need to get something to eat right now, because I don't have the energy to write a decent post.

computrainer, 90 minutes, 60 mins at 160 watts

...and on finding and losing...

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."---Mahatma Gandhi

Love
Peter

"I Understand"

I was listening this morning to an interview of one of the women that claimed to have been molested by Fat Albert himself, the one and only Mr Bill Cosby.  Just for the record, I say "claimed", not because I doubt her for a second, but rather because I personally have no solid evidence of her allegations.  Besides I get a bit cynical I suppose about anything you hear or read as news these days.  Then again I'm probably a bit naive as well.  Hell, I was still giving Lance Armstrong the benefit of the doubt until he admitted the truth to Oprah.  Of course by that time I had no choice, since we all know that Oprah alway knows the truth.  Unless of course your name is James Frey(look it up).

But I digress.  The fact that the "Cos" probably raped several women over the course of his life, while pretty damn frightening in itself, is not the reason I brought up the topic.

Rather it was a comment that this woman made during her interview.  It resonated with me in a big way, but in a way totally unrelated to her situation.

When asked how she felt afterwards, and why she didn't come forward she said this.  It is an exact quote by the way.

"You know intellectually that it's not your fault. but your emotions don't have intelligence, and your intelligence doesn't have any emotions. Sometimes they don't connect with one another, and this time the emotions won. I felt a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of should haves...."

So before I explain why her comment meant so much to me, let me first say that I don't pretend to have ever suffered the kind of trauma she very likely did, and in no way am I comparing my pain to that of a person who suffered such an incredible indignity.

But still.  While I will never be able to relate to the intensity of her situation, I understand totally the war between intellect and emotion as she describes it.  I can relate particularly to the idea that sometimes the one wins, and sometimes the other.

I suppose that it says something about how self absorbed I am that when this woman is bearing her soul about a hugely traumatic event, I immediately relate it to my petty problems.  So be it.  Sometimes one has to take care of ones self.

And what petty problems do you think I may be referring to?  Why of course it's the same old.  My parenting.

When I'm down and worried about one or the other of my offspring, I recognize that it's because emotion is winning.  If my intellect were perhaps only a bit stronger, maybe it would win a little more often.  At the very least I need to remain cognizant of this battle, and in doing so I may feel better, more often.  Because it is indisputable.  When I can look clearly and intellectually at my efforts, rather than through a cloud of emotion at my disappointments,  I am generally at peace.

And I also had a bit of a related a-hah moment today when my grandson called me from school.  He needed me to bring him a new pair of pants because he had ripped his, probably doing something he shouldn't have been doing.  The point is, that in delivering his pants, not just was I reminded that I enjoy being Colby's grampa, I simultaneously realized that it's my most important job right now.  It's like a graduation for me.  I need to leave the high school of parenting, and move to the university of grandparenting.  It's clearly a higher learning skill.  You can just beat sense into your kids, while your grandchildren require that you talk sense into them.

Game on!

Oh by the way, her name is Joan Tarshis.  She seems very credible, and I for one believe her!  Sorry Bill!  You get to join the ranks of Coach Jerry Sandusky, and Father Ken Farrell.   They didn't do it either!

And where did this effin weather come from?  Holy shit!  I managed 5 kms in this crap, and was glad to get that much in.  Did I once claim to enjoy winter running?

easy swim, 5 km run

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough."---Brene Brown

Love
Peter

"Easy Day"

My brain is as tired as my body, and so today I tried to rest both.  Unfortunately the saga of the executorship continues to suck energy out of my mind, and lawyers fees out of the estate. I don't mind the lawyers fees actually, but sometimes I resent the other.  I'm doing the best I can Sally.

Tomorrow's another day!

computrainer easy ride, 90 mins

"It is not what a lawyer tells me I may do; but what humanity, reason, and justice tell me I ought to do."---Edmund Burke

"I'm trusting in the Lord and a good lawyer."---Oliver North

Love

Peter

"Vengeance Is Mine!"

"Said the idiot"

I feel like I'm back in charge!

Flash back to sept 18th.  I was starting to feel pretty well recovered from my Ironman fiasco until that day.  I set out to run an easy 25 kms. but at 14, I was walking.  In my stupidity I forced myself through the rest of the 25, and then over the next few weeks proceeded to unravel completely.

Today I feel pretty well back!  Still lots of training to do before I'm ready for an Ironman, but I have 9 months still.  Actually nine months exactly!

I didn't really feel that motivated when I headed out, and in actual fact decided that 20 would do nicely for today.  My body is still adjusting to the suddenly cold temperatures.  Anyhow, one thing led to another, it was cold but invigorating, and I eventually made the decision to go 25.  No problem! And in a decent clip of 5:16/km!

I can tell you it was very reassuring....

So a pretty good day, and also a special day for another reason.  I celebrated my 59th birthday two days ago, which would mean that today I am celebrating the life of my dearly departed dad.  It was 20 years ago, at about this time of day as a matter of fact, that he breathed his last.  Still miss you Frits, as do a lot of people.  You weren't a perfect human being, but you were a damn good one.  I still strive every day to meet your standards, particularly those of charity, kindness and tolerance.  I hope you can see that, and I hope you can agree that slowly I'm getting a bit better.  Miss you Dad!

And while things worked out with me in the end, it's too bad you couldn't have hung around a bit longer for some of the others.  John and Elly especially could have benefited from a little more "parenting"  :)

run 25 kms, 5:16/km

.....and I really, really, really like this....I mean really!

"I don't believe in vengeance. Really, when all is said and done, I probably don't believe in punishment."---Penn Jillette

....and it really gets me wondering what Dad's reaction would have been?...

Yes!  really!

Love
Peter

"Not as Planned"

The day just didn't work out the way I hoped.

First I couldn't get out of bed so no run before Colb's hockey game.

Then I get a call about Sally's car and they want to come in the afternoon to see it, so the run got delayed again.

I just didn't have the ambition anymore by the time I got out there at 3 pm, and ended up just running 7 kms.

But guess what?

It was freaking cold, and I was happy with my 7 kms.

And......

Colb's team won 5-3, he had 2 assists from his defence position, and was a plus 3 overall!

And guess who got to take the "player of the game" helmet home?!  That's my boy!!

And I sold your car Sall!  Woohoo!  Yes. Victory!

Well actually I practically gave it away, but you weren't using it anyway.  Miss you much though....

So while the day didn't go as planned, I would say it was decidedly better.  I will consider a long run again tomorrow.

run 7 kms

....and I need to be reminded of this....

You can never plan the future by the past."---Edmund Burke

Love 

Peter

"When I Turn Sixty"

I'm determined to be ready! A lot more ready than it seems I was for 59!

I'm not sure why but things have kind of snuck up on me.  I don't know why I suddenly feel very mortal, but there's no other description for it.  And while I get frustrated a bit with the aches and pains, and slowing down part that comes with aging, that's not what  I mean .  I refer specifically to the knowledge that I only have so much time left.

And somehow in the last few weeks that has become abundantly, emotionally clear!

It has left me in a bit of a funk, but quite frankly, after some brooding, I'm happy about it.

I need to make some changes in my life, and this feeling has already motivated me to initiate them.

Don't get me wrong.  At least outwardly, they aren't significant changes. It's more about attitude.

I believe that I have earned the right to spend the next 20 years happily, and I'm gonna start making that a priority.  I need to stop worrying.....period!

And while the lead up to 59 has been a bit stressful, the day itself was beautiful.  Presents  from  my grandchildren before I even got out of bed, and believe it or not, a cake!

A very special home made Kylie cake!

Beauty eh!?  It was too good to eat!!

And the rest of my day was beautiful as well.  Thanks Roo.

I decided to take the first day of my 60th year off from training.  I may push things a bit tomorrow, just to see if my progress is genuine.  Apparently the sun's gonna shine

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been"---Madeleine L'Engle

Love
Peter

"Too Lazy to Post"

Or maybe it's just contentment....

Five straight minutes of listening to your son's boss extol his virtues can do that to a person.  I had to work hard to control my emotions.  Jon. you make me  proud.

7.5 km run

"Of the blessings set before you make your choice, and be content."---Samuel Johnson

Love
Peter

"You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me!"

There goes that eff word  again!  The one that I said shouldn't be over used, but that at times is the only word with enough oomph.  Today was one of those days.

Let me set the stage for you.  I was riding my bike in the basement when my cell phone rang.  I was still only in my warm up, so I decided to have a look, and lo and behold it was the doctors office.  One of the things I appreciate the most about my GP is that he communicates.  Of course he never phones himself, but the staff does a great job in followup to his instructions.  Just 2 days ago they called to tell me that my cortisol levels were fine, since that was something I had specifically asked him to check. I didn't however expect to hear from them again, since the only other test that was still outstanding was my chest x-ray, which by the way was at his request, not mine.  I also know why he wanted it, even though he didn't say as much.  He got spooked by my ongoing cough combined with all my other symptoms, and combined with my cancer history.  I knew he was out to lunch, but I suppose he still he had to check. And before I go any further please know that the call was indeed about my chest x-ray, and please know that one more time I was right!  Lungs are perfectly clear!

So now I got you wondering eh?  And again before I go any further, please know that there is nothing else wrong with me either.

Nope!  All is good!

And yet!  

They made a very interesting discovery.

And while I didn't actually say "you've got to be fucking kidding me" to the nice lady on the phone, that's exactly what I was thinking.  She wanted to know if I was interested in getting a bone density check done?

Why you say?

Yes. "Why", I said!

"Well because you have a healed over compression fracture in your upper back!!!"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

Nope!  No kidding.  My T1 vertebra (T is for thoracic) has at some point. probably in the past year or two, suffered a distinct compression fracture.  T1 is the upper thoracic vertebra just below the neck.

The lady asked me if I had suffered any falls or been in an accident within that time frame.

The funny thing is it took a few seconds for it to sink in.  My very first reaction was that nothing like that has ever happened to me.

Then it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

On august 18th of 2013, I fell off my bike in Mont Tremblant, Quebec, and broke my freakin back!!

It all makes perfect sense.  The way I landed on my head and shoulders would indeed have put tremendous pressure on my spine.  It hurts all over again just thinking about it.

I am in awe!

I remember being so annoyed when the ambulance people strapped me to that board since I knew better than them.  Maybe not eh?

And I have since learned from Cory that I probably wasn't in any real danger based on the particular bone that was broken, and the fact that it was a compression fracture.   Where my good fortune came in is that it was not one of the cervical vertebrae, the ones immediately above T1.  Apparently breaking one of those means you come home in a box, or in a wheel chair!!  Phew!!

So the whole thing has made for a surreal kind of day.  It initially scared me a little bit knowing how close I was to a serious injury, but once I got over that I was more grateful than scared.  I'm actually glad that I didn't know at the time, because it would probably have made me a little gun shy.  Even from the perspective of managing the rest of  that day in Tremblant, it was good not to know.  I would probably have been stuck in the hospital for at least that night, while Roo would have been stuck with the grandchildren and the RV.  Just as importantly we would probably have come straight home when we could, instead of having a wonderful vacation on PEI.

And this may seem like a stretch, but I'm also glad I didn't have an excuse to get more of those oxy-contins they gave me.  Believe me, I would have used it!!

And the broken back also brings to mind another issue that now seems more than coincidental.  I'm suddenly sure that the bike problem that surfaced just a couple of months ago was as result of the same crash.  Based on where the carbon fibre finally gave way, it makes as much sense as my back injury.  Isn't it a wonderful thing that unlike carbon fibre, the human skeleton can repair itself?  Without that amazing biological feature, my head might well have fallen off by now.

Of course that would make me more aerodynamic, and less of an idiot!

So that's it!  Too much eh?  I'm counting my blessings today!

And after I got off the phone with the doctors office, I managed to get a decent workout in, and despite the distraction, never fell off my bike once!  Yippee!

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins at 160 watts

"Good health and good sense are two of life's greatest blessings."---Publilius Syrus

Love
Peter