"Close Enough"

I should probably have quit at 18 kms, but by that time I wasn't stopping any more.  I was 2 kms from home, and knew that I would be okay.  I was very tired by the end, but am glad to report that it felt like a fairly normal tired.  I did however feel a bit faint when I finished up, and I was definitely more tired than I should have been at that pace, for that distance.  The good news is that I never felt the horrible chest tightness that I've come to recognize as the end!!

Tomorrow morning I will get my blood-work done, and make a doctors appt.  I'm very interested to see what he has to say about this Afib thing.  Perhaps I've talked myself into another answer, but I am cautiously optimistic about this one.  I think if I manage to get a diagnosis, that in itself will help me feel better right away.

I spent the afternoon in a more useful undertaking, that of building something called a busy board.  It's this wooden board with a bunch of mechanical hardware type gadgets screwed onto it, and it's purpose is to keep the old people at the home "busy".

And while I admire the intentions of the seniors home staff, especially our Miguette who's project this is, and while it was gratifying to build the thing knowing that my efforts were going to a good cause, it also got me thinking.

This thing is just to keep somebody busy?  What's the point of that?  I don't ever want to be busy just for the sake of it.  Will there come a time in my life when someone makes an effort just to keep me busy??  I hope NOT!!

As soon as I can't hold an intelligent conversation anymore  throw me off a fucking cliff please.  That'll keep me busy for about 5 seconds, and after that, there won't be a need!  Adrian promised me that he has a plan!  He better step up when the time comes.

And that's it for today.  I gotta get to bed early cause I got a busy day tomorrow.....

run 20 kms, 5:27/km

“Stop chasing another busy self to become. Your real self is idle waiting to be lived... Go, take up your real self!”---Israelmore Ayiyor

Love

Peter

"That Didn't Take Long"

One day without working out, and I'm anxious.  Man am I a  messed up dude!

I know what I need to do, but as yet I haven't started.

Swim Peter swim!

I'm pretty sure that would help me with the heebie-jeebies, and on top of that it's a great way to take advantage of this uncertain time.

Tomorrow I'm gonna run, and then come Monday I promise to start going to the pool at least 3 times a week.

And contrary to my earlier suggestion that I may keep my runs under 10 kms, the new plan is to run until it doesn't feel right....and then stop!!

Let's see if I have the courage...or is that the brains?

"The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart."---Robert Green Ingersoll

"Say and do something positive that will help the situation; it doesn't take any brains to complain."---Robert A Cook

Love
Peter

"No Matter Which Way I Turn"

I face the same problem.  The problem that all  people face their entire lives, and few manage to embrace.

Change!

When I worry about my health, what I'm really troubled by is potential unwanted change.

I'm not in the least worried about any significant illness or disease, or at least as most people would see it.

I'm worried that I won't be able to keep doing the stuff I'm doing.

And yet my brain tells me that one way or other, there's gonna come a time.

I need to get my head around the real possibility that it will come sooner rather than later.

I am 100% sure that when I get to that point, I will be happier.

And I'm also a wee bit suspicious that I may even be healthier.

Researching this atrial fibrillation thing has already taught me something.  For as long as I can remember, I categorically rejected the idea that you can over stress your heart.  In my reading it seems apparent that, yes you can!  It clearly doesn't mean that exercise is bad for anyone, but maybe too mush exercise is.  Of course I don't even know that I have this problem, but the very fact that some people do indeed develop it from years of training, is in itself a sobering thought.

And while I'm not done with Ironman just yet, I need to start crafting a new picture of the future.  One that involves a better balance.  Maybe half Ironman eh?

Change!

Damn!

And speaking of change I made one for you HOJ.  I'm pretty sure I've never in the past allowed anonymous comments on my blogs, but since you asked....it's done!

computrainer 90  mins, 60 mins at 151 watts

I'm reminded again of one of the reasons I keep writing this blog.  The whole exercise of putting my thoughts down and then searching for some supporting quotations, feels so healthy.  I get inspired by my own thoughts, if that doesn't sound too self serving, and then I often find that the inspirational words of others take me to the next level.

In other words, I am inspired to "change".

....for example....

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change."---Carl Rogers

It just bowls me over!!

Love
Peter

"Another Day"

Changed the oil in Roo's car today, so I qualified for another day of running.
It wasn't perfect, but again it was a bit better then the previous effort.  That's all a man can ask.

Now my grand children are here for the night.  Woohoo!

Life is good, and I am grateful!

run 7 kms, 4:54/km

"I'm too grateful to be hateful. I am too blessed to be stressed."---El DeBarge

Love

Peter

"That's When I'll Stop"

I decided today that I'll stop running as soon as I'm no longer able to change the oil in my truck.  That should be a goodly long time yet, due mostly to the fact that neither takes much brain power.

Actually the oil change thing probably needs a little more, and at the very least calls for a bit of planning.....planning that I never used today!

You see I had the truck up on the ramps, the skid plate removed (which in the end wasn't necessary), I had the oil drained, and the filter removed.  It was at that point that I realized that my old filter looked different than the new replacement one I bought at Can Tire.  The new one was shorter.

Damn!  Stupid Canadian Tire!  Their numbering system must be wrong because I'm sure I got the one that the book said!

So off to the Ford dealer to get the exact replacement.  I'll just run uptown....in what?  Roo wasn't home nor were any of the neighbours.  Short of putting the old oil back in, and the old filter back on, I was screwed!

Oh well.  I have no life anyway so I just waited for Roo to get back and then drove to the dealer.  I bought the exact Ford specified filter for 9 bucks and drove back home, only to find that it looked exactly like the other new one I already had!

Bastards!  It seem like the nondescript FoMoCo filter they install at the factory is simply different for some reason.  Oh well.  Now I already have a filter for my next change.  Lets see if my old brain still remembers that in 6 months??

Anyway,  while I became more and more certain that I still have some kind of medical issue, I also don't think it's anything that will cause me serious life issues.  I'm slowly starting to come to terms with the possibility that Ironman may not be in my future.  That being said, I fully intend on running regularly until I can't change the oil any more.

Besides, I have a new lead!  Talking to an old runner friend today I was reminded of something he said to me a couple of years ago.  I looked it up and will go ask the doctor about it in a few weeks.  Cory already considers it a real possibility. Exercise induced atrial fibrillation!

Apparently it's not uncommon for old endurance athletes to develop this form of heart arrhythmia, and since the condition can be intermittent, it may not even show up on an ECG.  Probably just grasping at straws, and it's certainly not something I want to have, but I should at least ask.  I was surprised by the significant number of hits I got when I googled it!  I also hope to hear what Elly thinks of the whole idea because she's pretty well an expert on the topic!

But I don't want you to think I'm obsessing over it cause I ain't, and I don't want you to worry because everything I read suggests that you're still better off with this condition caused by exercise, than you would be if you didn't exercise.  The only consideration may be how much you exercise, and as I already told you I'm preparing for the reductions that may eventual come.  Life is good.

Besides, it's probably more dangerous to change your oil with a heart condition than is is to go running.  After all I find getting up from the concrete to be more taxing than running hills!

And while my bike ride in the basement today was okay, I can clearly tell that I'm at low tide.  I will try running again tomorrow with 2 promises.  If I get slammed with the feeling I will stop right away and walk home, and I won't go more that 10 kms regardless of how good I feel.

Oh and I got the roof finished up today, the oil changed of course, and Roo's bird watering device all winterized.  It was another successful day.  Did I tell you that life is good?!

basement ride 90 mins, 60 mins @ 150 watts

"It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop."---Confucius

Love

Peter

"A Day Of Intensity"

After a fantastic dinner last night as guests of our dear friends Deb and Ky I was feeling pretty good.

Have I ever told you about these two by the way?  Sometimes I wonder at the wealth of friends we have from various walks of life, and yet I think it's okay to take some credit for that.  I'm proud of the open mindedness that Roo and I have both acquired over the last several years, or perhaps rather than having acquired, it may be more appropriate to say having been taught by our children, as well as all those aforementioned friends.  I remember clearly feeling a wee bit nervous the first time we were out in public with this same sex couple, and now some years later it doesn't even seem weird.  Not that they themselves aren't weird, but I guess that goes without saying as the proof of it lies in the fact that they like us as well.  :)

But I digress.  I didn't intend a boast about our liberal attitudes, but rather a boast about this exceptional couple who also happen to be our friends, and the fact that after several hours of great conversation I was feeling relaxed for the first time in days.  Thank you ladies!!  You are my friends!

So I managed to get to sleep fairly well despite the fact that our pool fence is totally decimated in the back yard, and that mixed in with that carnage are at least 40 roof shingles.  I managed to go to sleep despite several serious, down to the plywood, bare spots on our roof.  Holy cow!!

But!  It lasted until about 4 am at which time I went to Tim Hortons and bought a large coffee and 2 apple fritters.  The plan was to have my breakfast and then crawl back into bed for a few hours.

Didn't happen!

And I know why.

It's all about control!

You see the wind was still howling, it had gotten quite a bit colder, there were snowflakes in the air, and I was feeling old.  There was a timeline on the situation because eventually it was gonna either rain again which would create an obvious problem, or it would start snowing seriously which would  make for a dangerous situation.  I was so terribly afraid that I would have to call someone else to come and fix my roof, and the very idea of giving up that kind of control, let alone paying someone to take it was just about more than my psyche could handle.  I had this vision of some arrogant asshole explaining to the dumb civilian, how he would need to do this, and need to do that, and that it was all very complicated, and very costly, and this old grampa should just stay out of the way!!

How am I ever gonna cope as the years wear on, and my body wears out, and I simply can not do this stuff anymore?  Right now I don't know.....

So of course that left me with no choice for today!

So I took control.

Business first though, so after my donuts,I polished up the final version of my lawyer letter and fired that off to all the interested (or not interested) parties, and got that out of the way.  I know I alluded to my latest lawyer visit last night, but what I didn't tell you was that after he read my draft he gave it his 100% blessing!  Even the relevant legal nuances I had correct!  I was pretty proud!

Then after that I drove to London to buy shingles (I live in a one horse town), but by the time I was back it was still way too windy to climb on the roof, and I was alternately too tired, and too hyped to do so anyway.

So I said screw it, and went running.  I went  super slo-mo, but I'm happy to report that I made it around the block without falling apart.  Very tenuous but very refreshing, and of course the best part was that it diffused a good portion of my anxiety.  I'm toying with the idea of keeping it under 10 kms per trip, perhaps until the end of the year.  Maybe all I need is a rest?  I'm still thinking however.

By the time I got out of my running stuff and into some warm working clothes the wind had let up a bit.  I decided to get my tools sorted out, get my ladder up and tied off, and maybe just go up and have a look.  What I found was the exact same mess I left it yesterday when I had scrambled up there in the middle of the wind storm to indiscriminately pound nails in everywhere just to keep the whole thing from coming off.  I had  already decided that we will replace the entire garage portion come spring time, but in the interim it was gonna be quite a challenge to patch it up enough to make it waterproof.

So while I'm debating tactics and still feeling  a wee bit overwhelmed I get a powerful shot in the arm.  My youngest son shows up in the garage with a message from his mother, and a can-do attitude.  The message was, "Mom says she needs me to help you so that she doesn't worry about you falling off the roof".  Okay!  The can-do attitude was of his own doing, and while he applies that to most things in his life it was still a powerful motivator when he applied it to my project.

And of course along with his enthusiasm Adrian brought his young strong muscles, not to mention the fact that in this particular situation I didn't have to give up much control.

I'm proud to say that my youngest motivated me today, and perhaps even in a way he never realized.  You see we were working away cleaning up the old nails, and tearing off ripped shingles until it came time to bring some new ones up on to the roof.  I went down and wrestled a 70 pound bundle up the ladder, all the time wondering if I could still do it.  It was with a bit of surprise that I realized that I could handle it not too badly.  I wouldn't want to carry 100 such bundles up, but I think I could safely do 10 without tearing or breaking something.

But no matter how confidence building that little feat was, Adrain had still saved the best for me.  You see, when it was time to get the next bundle he took charge and hustled on down.  I continued what I was doing and never noticed that he was on his way back until he called me from the top of the ladder.  He had the bundle of shingles over his shoulder, and while grunting to get them the last few feet he wondered out loud, how I have ever managed to get them up??!!  I went over and provided just a wee bit of assistance!! I don't think he knows what happened to my spirits at that moment!!

Anyway, what started out to be a daunting task turned out to be an intense yet gratifying 3 hours spent on the roof with one of my favourite people.  I still have a bunch of caulking to do tomorrow, but that's a one man job, and it looks like the weather's gonna hold up/  Thank you Adrian!!  You are my son!!

Then a nap!

Then to Home Hardware to buy a new caulking gun, with a brief stop on the way to see another of my amazing offspring.

Unfortunately I left just before she scored, but more importantly Roo and Mom were there. I think that goal will keep Roo on a high for about a week. Thanks Ky. You are my granddaughter!

So intensity was definitely the word for the day, and although I'm very tired now, it's a good tired. However I've stopped trying to fool myself that it's gonna result in a sleep for the ages, as after six years of wishing I know that dream (pun intended) went away with my cancer treatments. I'll settle for a half assed sleep! After all, that's the way I do everything else in life. :)

Thanks everyone for reading! You are my family.

run 7.5 kms
"Intense love does not measure, it just gives."---Mother Teresa

Love
Peter

"The Pool Cover Blew Off"

Then the fence blew away!
Then the roof blew off!

And I'm left with this great sense of gratitude that I have a place with a pool, and a fence, and a roof!
But better than that I have someone to share it with!

Lawyer visit went great!

Time to go to bed!

Love
Peter

"Vengeance is Mine!"

Said the Lord!
I must have gotten too cocky.

I'm totally flabbergasted.  That word seems so appropriate for my feelings right now but I thought I better look up the formal definition just in case.

...and the dictionary said...

adjective: astonished, amazed, stunned, overcome, overwhelmed, staggered, astounded, dazed, confounded, disconcerted, speechless, bowled over (informal), gobsmacked (Brit. slang), dumbfounded, nonplussed, struck dumb, abashed, lost for words, rendered speechless.

And while the last two never seem to apply to me---to the regret of all those around me---all of the rest seem appropriate.  Maybe it's because I've got Sally on the brain so much, but I specially like gobsmacked!  I can hear her say it!

It was only one week ago that I officially announced myself back from hell.  I had completed a fantastic 25 kms, and in my own words declared vengeance on whatever it was that ailed me.

Since that run I have taken things very easy, and yet on Thursday I suddenly felt the temporary return of my malaise.  At least I thought it was temporary!

I determined to avoid another long run for the moment just to get myself through this "temporary" setback.

Today I was totally gassed and walking by 5 kms.  After 2-3 minutes I was calm again, and managed to finish my 8 kms, but I felt like I had run a marathon by the time I got back to the driveway.

My heart rate was petty well normal for the speed I was running, but the overall fatigue is off the scale!

For the rest of the day I have felt faint and nauseous.  It feels similar to the after effects of a hot summer run when I let myself get dehydrated.

I don't know where to turn!

I'm tying hard to relax but it's frightening.

Of course that's only because I'm way too dependant on my running.

But it is what it is.

I'm probably grasping at straws, but I'm hoping it's just stress related.  It's probably hard to understand, and I suppose perhaps it indicates an inherent inability to cope on my part, but I am experiencing as much stress right now as at the tensest moments of my career.  Crazy eh?  Not sleeping, circular thinking, overeating....all over someone else's problems!

Like I said.  I'm hoping that the stress is manifesting itself in these physical symptoms.

.....but I don't really believe it...

Regardless, I think the only option is to back right off once more, and then gradually build up again.  Hopefully it's just a case of one step back, before two forward again.  

And above all else I acknowledge the need to stay calm.  As crazy as this seems I think my lawyer meeting tomorrow will help.  I like the man quite a lot.  He has a great sense of humour, and a great sense of logic, two qualities I aspire to myself.  He helps me to diffuse the emotion of the situation. 

run/walk 8 kms

...and this is as insightful as anything I've read for some time...

"Many of us feel stress and get overwhelmed not because we're taking on too much, but because we're taking on too little of what really strengthens us."---Marcus Buckingham

Tomorrow Roo and I are gonna visit a couple of dear friends and take on some of what strengthens us.  I bet it works!!  I promise to tell you about it.

Love

Peter

"Lunch Date"

It was a long tension filled day, that was somehow all made okay by this little girl.

When Brooklyn said "I'm hungry", I knew I had a brief reprieve.  Just her and I and Snuffies went to the local family restaurant and talked lots about Nanny Sally

Then later I stumbled upon this old pic of another young lady, taken  some 21 years ago.

At Sallys wedding, and it's a picture I took!!  Ain't she beautiful!!

And it seems that by the end of the day, all my tension is gone, and I feel grateful.  Must be the women in my life!

"In every girl is a goddess." --- Francesca Lia Block

Love
Peter

"My Mind is Blank"

Well actually that's probably the wrong description.  I suppose it's really the exact opposite.  My mind is cluttered, and feels disorganized.  I'm sure it's because I  have a meeting at Sally's house tomorrow; a meeting I suspect will be a defining moment in the whole saga.  I'm just a wee bit nervous, which explains the brain clutter.  From a practical perspective I'm prepared though, so I know it will be okay.  Just have to remember my objectives, and remember that Sall's watching I suppose.  Stick with me, my friend.

I did take it relatively easy in the basement today as promised, but finished strong, and actually felt pretty good.  What with the meeting and all, I will probably take tomorrow completely off.

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins @ 160

...I like this...

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."---Aristotle

Love
Peter

"A Case of Nerves"

I had a really tough sleep last night as in, not getting any.  I received a nasty letter yesterday from a lawyer who is trying to help someone steal Sally's money.  I believed that I had done everything right, and yet when a lawyer starts throwing words and paragraphs at you, it can get a bit intimidating.  I got up several times throughout the night to check on one or another piece of evidence I thought I may have, and indeed by about 6 am I was content.  Fortunately I'm pretty good at paragraphs as well, and as a matter of fact I'm comfortable that they're gonna be damn sorry that they ever started screwing with me!  It's gonna cost em!  Assholes!!

Then I had a busy morning getting everything in order for the nice people who bought Sally's car, and while this was more enjoyable, it was still a bit stressful, as I was very tired.

By about 2 pm I was ready to head out into the january weather for a quick run, and that simply went badly.  I got that horrible chest heaviness by about 4 kms, and ended up walking for a good part of the way home.  Yes, it was really crappy out there, but I was still shocked when the feeling came upon me!!

I'm trying very hard to just chalk it up to tiredness along with tension and anxiety, as I know dmm well that these can be a powerful factors.  My problem is that I know of only one way to effectively combat anxiety, and that is exercise.  One more stupid time I convinced myself that if I could only get a bit of booze in me that it might be the answer.  It's now not even 10 pm, and I feel totally crappy from the 3 drinks I had.
Damn!

So tomorrow I need to mellow out.  It's still gonna stay cold for another day, so maybe I'll just ride easy, and do a little work in the shed.  Maybe I'll hook up the snowblower in order to be prepared for the rain that's coming on the weekend  :)

And lastly for today, a big shout-out to my number one son.  He doesn't read this, but if I'm gonna whine about him publicly, I also want you to know that he made a difficult decision today.  It cost him some time with his daughter, but I'm sure it raised him in her eyes, and made her happy.

run/walk 7.5 kms

"Oh the nerves, the nerves; the mysteries of this machine called man! Oh the little that unhinges it, poor creatures that we are!"---Charles Dickens

Love
Peter

"I Found It!"

It took 3 months but I found what I lost.  What's somewhat frustrating is that it took me six months to lose it, and I thought I had lost it for good!!

Of course I'm talking about the 10 pounds of body fat that I worked so damn hard to get rid of.  I am officially back to 170 pounds, and while I'm not overly happy about it, I'm also not too worried.

I probably need to get back to calorie counting at some point but I have decided that it can wait until the new year.  Life's too short.

And it seems like I probably need to get something to eat right now, because I don't have the energy to write a decent post.

computrainer, 90 minutes, 60 mins at 160 watts

...and on finding and losing...

"The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others."---Mahatma Gandhi

Love
Peter

"I Understand"

I was listening this morning to an interview of one of the women that claimed to have been molested by Fat Albert himself, the one and only Mr Bill Cosby.  Just for the record, I say "claimed", not because I doubt her for a second, but rather because I personally have no solid evidence of her allegations.  Besides I get a bit cynical I suppose about anything you hear or read as news these days.  Then again I'm probably a bit naive as well.  Hell, I was still giving Lance Armstrong the benefit of the doubt until he admitted the truth to Oprah.  Of course by that time I had no choice, since we all know that Oprah alway knows the truth.  Unless of course your name is James Frey(look it up).

But I digress.  The fact that the "Cos" probably raped several women over the course of his life, while pretty damn frightening in itself, is not the reason I brought up the topic.

Rather it was a comment that this woman made during her interview.  It resonated with me in a big way, but in a way totally unrelated to her situation.

When asked how she felt afterwards, and why she didn't come forward she said this.  It is an exact quote by the way.

"You know intellectually that it's not your fault. but your emotions don't have intelligence, and your intelligence doesn't have any emotions. Sometimes they don't connect with one another, and this time the emotions won. I felt a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of should haves...."

So before I explain why her comment meant so much to me, let me first say that I don't pretend to have ever suffered the kind of trauma she very likely did, and in no way am I comparing my pain to that of a person who suffered such an incredible indignity.

But still.  While I will never be able to relate to the intensity of her situation, I understand totally the war between intellect and emotion as she describes it.  I can relate particularly to the idea that sometimes the one wins, and sometimes the other.

I suppose that it says something about how self absorbed I am that when this woman is bearing her soul about a hugely traumatic event, I immediately relate it to my petty problems.  So be it.  Sometimes one has to take care of ones self.

And what petty problems do you think I may be referring to?  Why of course it's the same old.  My parenting.

When I'm down and worried about one or the other of my offspring, I recognize that it's because emotion is winning.  If my intellect were perhaps only a bit stronger, maybe it would win a little more often.  At the very least I need to remain cognizant of this battle, and in doing so I may feel better, more often.  Because it is indisputable.  When I can look clearly and intellectually at my efforts, rather than through a cloud of emotion at my disappointments,  I am generally at peace.

And I also had a bit of a related a-hah moment today when my grandson called me from school.  He needed me to bring him a new pair of pants because he had ripped his, probably doing something he shouldn't have been doing.  The point is, that in delivering his pants, not just was I reminded that I enjoy being Colby's grampa, I simultaneously realized that it's my most important job right now.  It's like a graduation for me.  I need to leave the high school of parenting, and move to the university of grandparenting.  It's clearly a higher learning skill.  You can just beat sense into your kids, while your grandchildren require that you talk sense into them.

Game on!

Oh by the way, her name is Joan Tarshis.  She seems very credible, and I for one believe her!  Sorry Bill!  You get to join the ranks of Coach Jerry Sandusky, and Father Ken Farrell.   They didn't do it either!

And where did this effin weather come from?  Holy shit!  I managed 5 kms in this crap, and was glad to get that much in.  Did I once claim to enjoy winter running?

easy swim, 5 km run

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough."---Brene Brown

Love
Peter

"Easy Day"

My brain is as tired as my body, and so today I tried to rest both.  Unfortunately the saga of the executorship continues to suck energy out of my mind, and lawyers fees out of the estate. I don't mind the lawyers fees actually, but sometimes I resent the other.  I'm doing the best I can Sally.

Tomorrow's another day!

computrainer easy ride, 90 mins

"It is not what a lawyer tells me I may do; but what humanity, reason, and justice tell me I ought to do."---Edmund Burke

"I'm trusting in the Lord and a good lawyer."---Oliver North

Love

Peter

"Vengeance Is Mine!"

"Said the idiot"

I feel like I'm back in charge!

Flash back to sept 18th.  I was starting to feel pretty well recovered from my Ironman fiasco until that day.  I set out to run an easy 25 kms. but at 14, I was walking.  In my stupidity I forced myself through the rest of the 25, and then over the next few weeks proceeded to unravel completely.

Today I feel pretty well back!  Still lots of training to do before I'm ready for an Ironman, but I have 9 months still.  Actually nine months exactly!

I didn't really feel that motivated when I headed out, and in actual fact decided that 20 would do nicely for today.  My body is still adjusting to the suddenly cold temperatures.  Anyhow, one thing led to another, it was cold but invigorating, and I eventually made the decision to go 25.  No problem! And in a decent clip of 5:16/km!

I can tell you it was very reassuring....

So a pretty good day, and also a special day for another reason.  I celebrated my 59th birthday two days ago, which would mean that today I am celebrating the life of my dearly departed dad.  It was 20 years ago, at about this time of day as a matter of fact, that he breathed his last.  Still miss you Frits, as do a lot of people.  You weren't a perfect human being, but you were a damn good one.  I still strive every day to meet your standards, particularly those of charity, kindness and tolerance.  I hope you can see that, and I hope you can agree that slowly I'm getting a bit better.  Miss you Dad!

And while things worked out with me in the end, it's too bad you couldn't have hung around a bit longer for some of the others.  John and Elly especially could have benefited from a little more "parenting"  :)

run 25 kms, 5:16/km

.....and I really, really, really like this....I mean really!

"I don't believe in vengeance. Really, when all is said and done, I probably don't believe in punishment."---Penn Jillette

....and it really gets me wondering what Dad's reaction would have been?...

Yes!  really!

Love
Peter

"Not as Planned"

The day just didn't work out the way I hoped.

First I couldn't get out of bed so no run before Colb's hockey game.

Then I get a call about Sally's car and they want to come in the afternoon to see it, so the run got delayed again.

I just didn't have the ambition anymore by the time I got out there at 3 pm, and ended up just running 7 kms.

But guess what?

It was freaking cold, and I was happy with my 7 kms.

And......

Colb's team won 5-3, he had 2 assists from his defence position, and was a plus 3 overall!

And guess who got to take the "player of the game" helmet home?!  That's my boy!!

And I sold your car Sall!  Woohoo!  Yes. Victory!

Well actually I practically gave it away, but you weren't using it anyway.  Miss you much though....

So while the day didn't go as planned, I would say it was decidedly better.  I will consider a long run again tomorrow.

run 7 kms

....and I need to be reminded of this....

You can never plan the future by the past."---Edmund Burke

Love 

Peter

"When I Turn Sixty"

I'm determined to be ready! A lot more ready than it seems I was for 59!

I'm not sure why but things have kind of snuck up on me.  I don't know why I suddenly feel very mortal, but there's no other description for it.  And while I get frustrated a bit with the aches and pains, and slowing down part that comes with aging, that's not what  I mean .  I refer specifically to the knowledge that I only have so much time left.

And somehow in the last few weeks that has become abundantly, emotionally clear!

It has left me in a bit of a funk, but quite frankly, after some brooding, I'm happy about it.

I need to make some changes in my life, and this feeling has already motivated me to initiate them.

Don't get me wrong.  At least outwardly, they aren't significant changes. It's more about attitude.

I believe that I have earned the right to spend the next 20 years happily, and I'm gonna start making that a priority.  I need to stop worrying.....period!

And while the lead up to 59 has been a bit stressful, the day itself was beautiful.  Presents  from  my grandchildren before I even got out of bed, and believe it or not, a cake!

A very special home made Kylie cake!

Beauty eh!?  It was too good to eat!!

And the rest of my day was beautiful as well.  Thanks Roo.

I decided to take the first day of my 60th year off from training.  I may push things a bit tomorrow, just to see if my progress is genuine.  Apparently the sun's gonna shine

"The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been"---Madeleine L'Engle

Love
Peter

"Too Lazy to Post"

Or maybe it's just contentment....

Five straight minutes of listening to your son's boss extol his virtues can do that to a person.  I had to work hard to control my emotions.  Jon. you make me  proud.

7.5 km run

"Of the blessings set before you make your choice, and be content."---Samuel Johnson

Love
Peter

"You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me!"

There goes that eff word  again!  The one that I said shouldn't be over used, but that at times is the only word with enough oomph.  Today was one of those days.

Let me set the stage for you.  I was riding my bike in the basement when my cell phone rang.  I was still only in my warm up, so I decided to have a look, and lo and behold it was the doctors office.  One of the things I appreciate the most about my GP is that he communicates.  Of course he never phones himself, but the staff does a great job in followup to his instructions.  Just 2 days ago they called to tell me that my cortisol levels were fine, since that was something I had specifically asked him to check. I didn't however expect to hear from them again, since the only other test that was still outstanding was my chest x-ray, which by the way was at his request, not mine.  I also know why he wanted it, even though he didn't say as much.  He got spooked by my ongoing cough combined with all my other symptoms, and combined with my cancer history.  I knew he was out to lunch, but I suppose he still he had to check. And before I go any further please know that the call was indeed about my chest x-ray, and please know that one more time I was right!  Lungs are perfectly clear!

So now I got you wondering eh?  And again before I go any further, please know that there is nothing else wrong with me either.

Nope!  All is good!

And yet!  

They made a very interesting discovery.

And while I didn't actually say "you've got to be fucking kidding me" to the nice lady on the phone, that's exactly what I was thinking.  She wanted to know if I was interested in getting a bone density check done?

Why you say?

Yes. "Why", I said!

"Well because you have a healed over compression fracture in your upper back!!!"

"You've got to be fucking kidding me!"

Nope!  No kidding.  My T1 vertebra (T is for thoracic) has at some point. probably in the past year or two, suffered a distinct compression fracture.  T1 is the upper thoracic vertebra just below the neck.

The lady asked me if I had suffered any falls or been in an accident within that time frame.

The funny thing is it took a few seconds for it to sink in.  My very first reaction was that nothing like that has ever happened to me.

Then it hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks.

On august 18th of 2013, I fell off my bike in Mont Tremblant, Quebec, and broke my freakin back!!

It all makes perfect sense.  The way I landed on my head and shoulders would indeed have put tremendous pressure on my spine.  It hurts all over again just thinking about it.

I am in awe!

I remember being so annoyed when the ambulance people strapped me to that board since I knew better than them.  Maybe not eh?

And I have since learned from Cory that I probably wasn't in any real danger based on the particular bone that was broken, and the fact that it was a compression fracture.   Where my good fortune came in is that it was not one of the cervical vertebrae, the ones immediately above T1.  Apparently breaking one of those means you come home in a box, or in a wheel chair!!  Phew!!

So the whole thing has made for a surreal kind of day.  It initially scared me a little bit knowing how close I was to a serious injury, but once I got over that I was more grateful than scared.  I'm actually glad that I didn't know at the time, because it would probably have made me a little gun shy.  Even from the perspective of managing the rest of  that day in Tremblant, it was good not to know.  I would probably have been stuck in the hospital for at least that night, while Roo would have been stuck with the grandchildren and the RV.  Just as importantly we would probably have come straight home when we could, instead of having a wonderful vacation on PEI.

And this may seem like a stretch, but I'm also glad I didn't have an excuse to get more of those oxy-contins they gave me.  Believe me, I would have used it!!

And the broken back also brings to mind another issue that now seems more than coincidental.  I'm suddenly sure that the bike problem that surfaced just a couple of months ago was as result of the same crash.  Based on where the carbon fibre finally gave way, it makes as much sense as my back injury.  Isn't it a wonderful thing that unlike carbon fibre, the human skeleton can repair itself?  Without that amazing biological feature, my head might well have fallen off by now.

Of course that would make me more aerodynamic, and less of an idiot!

So that's it!  Too much eh?  I'm counting my blessings today!

And after I got off the phone with the doctors office, I managed to get a decent workout in, and despite the distraction, never fell off my bike once!  Yippee!

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins at 160 watts

"Good health and good sense are two of life's greatest blessings."---Publilius Syrus

Love
Peter

"Perfect Day"

You can tell it's gonna be a good day if you're having lunch by 10:30.  Why?  Because it means I had an early breakfast, and that I already had my workout in.  That allowed me to then spent most of my afternoon at Home Depot looking for ideas, as well as looking at the nice tools, and still get home in time to adjust the princess's new helmet.

And in case you're wondering, yes she picked the colour herself, yes she plays on a boys team, and yes she's tough enough to wear any colour helmet she damn well chooses!  I'm very proud to be her gramps.

As to my other successes today, I got a few brain waves at home depot for my latest project, and although I never bought a tool, I got one at crappy tire later for 1/3 the price!

And my workout was good, bordering on very good!  It was supposed to be a basement ride, but with the glorious weather we woke up to, there was no way I was staying inside.  I had a lovely 10 km run, and on top of feeling good again, my heart rate monitor worked flawlessly!

But the highlight of my day was still to come.  Just as I was preparing my supper I got a call from son Jon, inviting me to have lunch, and to tour his work, this coming Thursday.  I am so looking forward to it.  This son of mine has come into his own over the last few years, and while he doesn't play hockey, I know that if he did, he would also wear whatever colour helmet he damn well wanted!!

It was a perfect day!!

run 10.3 kms, 4:59/km!!!

"Tell me I'm clever, Tell me I'm kind, Tell me I'm talented, Tell me I'm cute, Tell me I'm sensitive, Graceful and wise, Tell me I'm perfect - But tell me the truth."---Shel Silverstein

...and I thought I had a perfect day til I read this....

"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."---John Wooden

...and because it's a little late in the day I promise I'm gonna make up for my oversight tomorrow...

Love
Peter

"Water Day"

I went for an quick swim, and then fixed a toilet.  The toilet was easier, and more fun!

But actually it felt good to be in the pool.  Funny thing is that I forgot my cheater pants, and so I almost decided not to get in.  I think it was a good thing however because after a bit of splashing I decided I want to try to get back into swimming without them.  Right now I have all kinds of time to spend playing around with improvement ideas, and so that's gonna be my approach for at least 3 months.  I can still use the pants if I eventually have to in order to get my mileage in, but for now I'm pretty sure I'm better off without.

And that's all I did today.  Oh, except I spent some time on a Roo project, but once I realized I screwed it up I decided to leave it for another day.  However, in the interest of nurturing my humility I'm gonna tell you that I cut 16 pieces of wood 1/2" too small!  Wood that I have to go to London to buy! Idiot!

easy swim

"You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water."---Rabindranath Tagore

Love

Peter

"Coincidence?"

Probably, but who knows.

The last decent run I had since Ironman was 20 kms on Sept 13th.  It was within a week of that run that it all fell apart.  It was also about a week after I started on the thyroid medication.

Fast forward to today.  I have been off the drugs for almost a week now and this morning I decided to run the exact same 20 kms as back in September.

Guess what?

Sept 13th is now the second last decent run I've had.  Today's was infinitely more satisfying.  Of course part of that is just because it feels good to do 20 uninterrupted kms, but even in direct comparison to the Sept run it was good.  Like any 20 km run it was not easy, but it felt appropriately painful throughout, and as a matter of fact I got progressively faster as the run wore on.  I had set out with the idea of maybe matching the previous 20K , but in the end I was 3 minutes quicker.  If that doesn't sound like much, it's still 9 seconds per km, and that's a bunch!  My heart rate was good, my legs felt fine, and there was absolutely no indication of chest tightness.  And of course as soon as I got back my blood pressure was totally normal!

So is it coincidence?  I don't know, and I don't care!  I'm happy to be off the medication, and since it certainly didn't make me feel any better when I was taking it, I can't see any reason to continue to do so.  Good riddance!

run 20 kms, 5:07/km

"Coincidence is the word we use when we can't see the levers and pulleys."---Emma Bull

"One of the great cosmic laws, I think, is that whatever we hold in our thought will come true in our experience. When we hold something, anything, in our thought, then somehow coincidence leads us in the direction that we've been wishing to lead ourselves."---Richard Bach

Love

Peter

"Cautiously Optimistic"

Lots of little positive signs.  One day at a time however.

computrainer 90 mins, 70 mins @ 153 watts

"Optimism doesn't wait on facts. It deals with prospects. Pessimism is a waste of time."---Norman Cousins

....but then again....

"The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum."---Havelock Ellis

Love

Peter

"Feeling Better Already"

I was the second guy in line at the lab to get my blood work done this morning.  Then went to the X-ray place but it wasn't open yet, so I bought myself a coffee and a donut, then after driving the kids to school went back and got the chest thing out of the way.  Then back home and got my run in.

And all before noon!

Then I ate lunch and had a nap!

Then I didn't feel so good anymore!

But I'm holding on to this mornings feeling because I know it may still take a bit of time to get back into the groove, despite my rewound attitude.

So the plan for the next little while is simply to start getting more consistent.  I'll continue to run every second day while gradually stretching out a longer one every week, and on alternate days just ride relatively easy.  Probably just as important is that I start getting back to the pool regularly, and to compliment that I need to start doing my shoulder stretches every damn day, and also some light weights twice a week. 

I think that above all else I need to maintain my attitude.  I have this general feeling of malaise which I believe is as much a result of age and cancer treatments as anything else, and I need to come to terms with that.  Things like this aching shoulder, my constantly dry throat, and my blurred vision all seem to contribute.  I will try to treat the symptoms as best I can, and not let my mind wander beyond that.  After all, I have to remember that I was feeling quite good until I had one bad day in August, and then I let things unravel from there.

As a side note I must tell you about my experience this morning with the medical community.  Both the lab and the X-ray place are privately run businesses.  In neither case did I need an appointment!  In neither case did I have to fill out any paperwork!  And in neither case was I in there for more than 15 minutes!!  Try to match that at your local hospital!  And although I am a very strong supporter of publicly funded, universal health care, I think it is so clear that there has to be an element of private enterprise involved in order to maintain efficiency, and to lower costs.  In my next life I'm gonna work on this problem! 

And while more difficult than I would like (isn't it always) my run was never the less gratifying.  I managed to up the pace a little bit, and while I gave myself permission to cut my 12 kms short if necessary, I ended up not needing the option.  It was also the first hat and mitt day of the year, and there's something special about running in the cold.  I like it!

I do continue to be a little frustrated with a technical problem with my HRM.  It generally works not too badly, but I have periods where it just goes out to lunch.  I have tried every technical suggestion I can find and still it screws up.  One last option is to make sure that my shirts don't have static electricity in them by using a fabric softener. That of course will also mean that I need to wash them once in a while :) We shall see.  

run 12 kms, 5:07/km

"Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy horse, pulling a sturdy wagon."---Winston Churchill

Love

Peter

"Time Machine"

My computer has this function (I think they all do) where I can set everything back to a time before everything went to hell.  You only use it of course when everything goes to hell, and when you can't seem to figure out anything else.  That's what I'm gonna do!

But not with my computer.  Hell, I don't even know how to work that feature and would probably just end up throwing the whole thing away if it screwed up bad enough.

But while I don't know dick all about computers I know everything theres is to know about attitudes, having had one my entire life.

I'm setting my attitude back to some time in early september.  At that point I was pretty well over the emotional trauma of my Ironman debacle, and I was starting to regain my positive outlook, not to mention that my workouts were getting back to "normal".  It was at about the same time that I went to see the doctor and started learning about all these things that are wrong with me.  I got heart block!  I got high blood pressure!  I got thyroid problems!...yadda, yadda, yadda!  I had an ECG, a stress test, 2  ultrasounds, an Xray, and several blood tests.

And what do I really know after all that? As my old friend use to say I knew the square root of fuck all.

Seen the doc again today and told him I'm going off the thyroid stuff, even though the tests indicate a small dosage may be good for me.  Blood pressure was high again in his office but I don't give a shit. I know it ain't always high.... so there!  He gave me a puffer for my cough but I think it was just to shut me up about that.  He listened to my lungs and said they sounded fine.  I'm still thinking about whether I'm gonna use the puffer since it's clearly intended for asthma or COPD, neither of which I have.  He wants to do a chest x-ray and so I'm gonna humour him.  He will also do one more blood test to check my cortisol levels, but only because I told him that Cory thought it was a good idea.

So tomorrow I'm gonna get those two things done, and then I'm sending my attitude back!  It's time to get on with life, and if I learned anything over the last 2 months it was that, "it's all bullshit"!

Michaels comment from the other day just keeps playing over and over ago in my head.  "Maybe we should all just stop worrying"  Game on!!

More tomorrow about my immediate workout plans.  I am very determined to get on with it.

Computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins @144 watts

"My father taught me many years ago not to believe my own bullshit.”--- John Rolfe

Love

Peter

"Anticipation"

Doctor tomorrow morning, and while I look forward to hopefully getting off these drugs, I will settle for some solution for this cough.  I don't even recall the last time I had a cold, but can tell you for sure that it was at least 7 years ago.  For all intents and purposes I haven't been sick for even a day since my cancer.  I suppose that streak has spoiled me, because I just hate feeling this way.

run 10 kms, slow

"There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before."---Henry David Thoreau

Love
Peter

"I Called The Doctor"

And the doctor called me!

I had enough of this cough so I called an made an appointment.

Within 15 minutes his office called me saying he wanted to see me about my blood work.

Actually I had anticipated this, but I was still glad to get the call because it tells me that he at least looks at the results when they come in, but further to that he probably has something to discuss.  I will be very surprised if he doesn't tell me to go off the drugs, that he told me to go on 2 months ago.

And when he does that, and when he gives me more drugs to get rid of this chest problem, then I'm gonna feel like a million bucks!!  Guaranteed!!

Actually I would settle for just feeing normal!  And yes.  I know.  There I go with the "normal" thing again!!

I decided to take the day off as I was still pretty sore from my 18 kms.  And while some people may consider it normal to be sore after 18 kms, I consider it stupid!

The highlight of my day was a call from my son Jonathan.  Who would have thought that the guy that has caused me more anxiety than the rest of the world put together, would now be such an inspiration in my life!!  I always worry less about stupid shit after I talk to him.

And Michael, no I don't currently give much energy to worry about you, but only because it's not your turn :)

"I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away."---George Carlin

"Maybe we should all just stop worrying...."---Michael W Rooyakkers PhD (almost)

Love
Peter

"I Don't Like Mondays"

It's funny how the brain still remembers Monday even when you no longer go to work.  I suppose there's all kinds or other reminders though.  I discovered one of them this morning when I went to get my blood work done.  I went right after I dropped the kids at school, and yet there were 18 people ahead of me. Apparently that's a typical money morning problem.  I happen to know that if you go online you can book a time and get priority over the walk ins, but It never seemed worth it.  It was quite amusing however to listen to the grumbling from people who weren't aware of this option, as they watched others walk in and get served right away.  Too funny!

Then I went running, and while I survived my 18 kms, it also felt like Monday.  I guess I get greedy real quick.  I wanted to feel right back to normal even as I increase distances, but I can see it's gonna take time to build back up.  Then again, it is Monday!

I spent the rest of my day trying to figure out how to stop worrying about my children, a habit bordering on insanity.  My protective instincts are often out of line with the specific concern, and I don't know what to do about it.  My brain tells me that everything will be fine, but the very thought of one of them experiencing any pain brings on emotions that I find overwhelming.  God grant me.....

run 18 kms, 5:30/km 

"The dog doesn't know the difference between Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, so I have to walk the dog early those days too."---Donna Shalala

Love
Peter

"It Was 10 PM"

But for some reason it felt a lot like 11 when I crawled under the covers and suddenly remembered that I hadn't written a blog post.  The choices were to get up and go to my computer, or try to post with my stupid old iPad, neither of which appealed to me.  I said screw it!

60 mins computrainer, 30 mins @ 177 watts

"Miserable is a good thing, though. If you start the day miserable, nobody else can screw up your day."---Jake Roberts
Love
Peter

"Whaddaya do?"

When you open the tap and nothing comes out??

Oh we are so conditioned eh?  And spoiled I suppose.

Even though you know you have a problem, and you know no one has fixed it, your routine of going  to the tap is so strong that it takes some time to sink in.  And the damn toilet don't work either!  Well it works once actually....

But you finally figure it out.....

Nothing's coming out of the tap.

I remember the big power outage of 2003.  Although I was the boss I had left work for the day because there was not a damn thing I could do.  Back at home I went from pool pump. to water tap, to light switch, to furnace. to microwave, to television, to computer etc, etc.  It took several hours to sink in.

And this morning.....nothing was coming out of the tap.  And the source of the problem was more than 200 feet underground!

After a bit of investigation I narrowed it down to either the pump itself (200 ft down), or the capacitor that sits on the wall in the basement. Unfortunately I didn't have the tools or the know-how to go further.

So I call the man who's number is on the box, not for a second thinking he may still be in business.    He drilled the well some 20 years ago.

His wife answered the phone!!  John would call me right back!!

To make a long story short, John Wilson of JB Wilson and Sons Well Drilling remembered putting my well in in 1993!!  He would be right out!!

It took him 10 minutes to figure out that it was the control box, not the pump.  Phew!!

And although I admit I was relieved, I was pretty happy with the way I dealt with it.  I stayed relaxed and already had a plan mapped out in my head as to how to manage for a few days without water.....Oh and did I mention....without heat?  Yes indeed, our water system also supplies our furnace, and it felt a lot like November this morning!

Anyway thanks John for saving the day!

And the moral of the story?  When things get old they stop working!  And there ain't a damn thing you're gonna do about it!!  Get used to it!

I had already forgotten the lesson when I went out for my short run after John left.  I started out too fast trying to cope with the cold NW wind, and ended up needing a couple of walk breaks.  Things stop working when they get old.  Get used to it!!

run 7.3 kms

"Nothing is softer or more flexible than water, yet nothing can resist it."---Lao Tzu

"Thousands have lived without love, not one without water."---W. H. Auden

Love

Peter