Since we didn't have any formal family stuff going on today it was a day of introspection and thought. In the spirit of the season I decided to make it time of forgiveness.
I made a mental list of all those people who had wronged me either in actual fact or in my imagination and then I made one big clean sweep of all those wrongs. I remembered my parents, my spouse, all 11 of my siblings, all 4 of my children, every boss and co-worker I ever had, my favourite priest Farrell, my favourite nun Michaela, my friends, my neighbours, hell even Lance Armstrong, and Stephen Harper!
And although that seems like a pretty long list, all of that forgiveness took me about 10 minutes.
The problem is that as I remembered all of those people and the injustices they committed on yours truly, I couldn't help but remember all the things I did to them as well. With the exception perhaps of Harper and Armstrong, who I never ever did nothing to!! And in actual fact I don't think I ever abused the priest or the nun in any way either, but with my new found commitment to forgiveness I have to stop ranting about that pair of assholes.....whoops. Sorry!
Anyway, the point is that when I was reminded of all the bad shit I did to people over the years (again, real or imagined) it occurred to me that maybe it would be okay to forgive myself as well. Well I can tell you that this exercise was quite a bit more demanding, and although I made good progress, by days end I still had some work to do. I did however come to the conclusion that the hardest things to forgive yourself for are not the straightforward stupid things like spanking your children when they were little, or breaking a confidence of some kind. They are easy because they're tangible. You screwed up, you stopped doing it, life goes on. The hard ones are those where you feel guilty and yet you don't know what you might have done differently. Often they are decisions you made out of fear, insecurity, and ignorance, and like I said, often you have not even wronged someone other than in your imagination.
So I don't know if any of that rambling made any sense at all so I'll summarize. I had an excellent day, unburdened myself to a great extent, but still have a bit of work o do. Which is good cause I still have time to do it in.
run 10 kms, 5;26/km
"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."---Bernard Meltzer
Love
Peter
I made a mental list of all those people who had wronged me either in actual fact or in my imagination and then I made one big clean sweep of all those wrongs. I remembered my parents, my spouse, all 11 of my siblings, all 4 of my children, every boss and co-worker I ever had, my favourite priest Farrell, my favourite nun Michaela, my friends, my neighbours, hell even Lance Armstrong, and Stephen Harper!
And although that seems like a pretty long list, all of that forgiveness took me about 10 minutes.
The problem is that as I remembered all of those people and the injustices they committed on yours truly, I couldn't help but remember all the things I did to them as well. With the exception perhaps of Harper and Armstrong, who I never ever did nothing to!! And in actual fact I don't think I ever abused the priest or the nun in any way either, but with my new found commitment to forgiveness I have to stop ranting about that pair of assholes.....whoops. Sorry!
Anyway, the point is that when I was reminded of all the bad shit I did to people over the years (again, real or imagined) it occurred to me that maybe it would be okay to forgive myself as well. Well I can tell you that this exercise was quite a bit more demanding, and although I made good progress, by days end I still had some work to do. I did however come to the conclusion that the hardest things to forgive yourself for are not the straightforward stupid things like spanking your children when they were little, or breaking a confidence of some kind. They are easy because they're tangible. You screwed up, you stopped doing it, life goes on. The hard ones are those where you feel guilty and yet you don't know what you might have done differently. Often they are decisions you made out of fear, insecurity, and ignorance, and like I said, often you have not even wronged someone other than in your imagination.
So I don't know if any of that rambling made any sense at all so I'll summarize. I had an excellent day, unburdened myself to a great extent, but still have a bit of work o do. Which is good cause I still have time to do it in.
run 10 kms, 5;26/km
"When you forgive, you in no way change the past - but you sure do change the future."---Bernard Meltzer
Love
Peter
Beautiful! I'm so proud of you and am glad you had a day so well spent! Love you...
ReplyDeleteWell done Brother! I went back a few days for this quote, and I think as in many cases, you have answered your own question. On Monday you said "Sometimes I wish I could get a pat on the back, although I know none is warranted. I think some of my thinking is distorted. Why these negative thoughts? It confuses me....." I think the realization that you need to forgive yourself, even for tangible things that may not be in your consciousness may be a good first step to solving those weird dreams of yours!
ReplyDeleteLove HOLJ