"Felt Compelled"

Some times you just need the right incident to shock you into action. or at least into thought.  Today I had one such moment. and I wish to share it.

I was at the drug store picking up a few things, and when I went to the til to pay it was way backed up.  They also have an exit out the back which I know from experience is rarely as busy, so that's where I headed.  To my surprise there were a few people in line there as well.  When the person in front of me got her turn I could not help but hear the start of her conversation with the teller.  She had a prescription in her hand, and the teller asked her if she had already paid for that.  She answered in the affirmative.

As I listend to this interaction the customers back was turned to me, and yet somehow I had the sense that perhaps she was somehow handicapped,  Down's Syndrome maybe?  It could be that the patience the teller was showing her as she searched through her purse for a payment method, also twigged me to the idea that the woman was somehow special.  She courteously ensured her there was no rush, and while she waited patiently, she packed up the woman's purchase, and also put her prescription in the same bag.

Anyway, I wasn't really paying much attention anymore as the woman inserted her payment card into the machine.  But then I did hear her say something to the teller, I just never caught the words.  All I saw was the teller taking the prescription out of the bag and handing it to her.  At first I thought that she wanted to put her drugs separately in her purse at the same time as she was putting her payment card away.  It wasn't until I heard the teller say, "I'll put this back for you", that I realized that something else was going on.  I want sure, but I considered that maybe she didn't have enough money to pay for her stuff.

As  the teller put her package back behind her for a later return to the shelf, the customer turned and walked away.  At this point I had still not seen her face so I wasn't even aware of any regret or disappointment she may have exhibited, but I sensed that something clearly didn't go right.  As she walked away I asked the teller what happened, and she reluctantly told me that the customers card wouldn't work, a clear euphemism for she didn't have enough money.

At the risk of embarrassing her I had to do something, and so I called out to her.  I had to chase her a bit, but when she turned it was clear that my diagnosis was probably correct.  Perhaps not that she had Down's Syndrome specifically, but her innocent reaction to me calling out to her, clearly indicated some kind of developmental issue.  I would guess that she was perhaps 30 years old.  Also her response to my offer to pay was without any embarrassment, and without any effusive gratitude.  Just a plain thank you.

You want to know what this woman had to hand back because she didn't have the money to pay for it?  I bet you do! It wasn't candy, it wasn't a magazine, it wasn't make-up! Nor was it a pair of sunglasses or a greeting card!   It was something I have never bought in my life, not even for my wife not that I would be ashamed to, but I can't possibly imagine the idea that if she needed them I could not afford to go out and buy Roo a package of maxi-pads!!!!!  They cost all of seven effin dollars!!!

Can you imagine?  Even as a man, I think I can.

Anyway, that's my story.  I'm sure I didn't do a good enough job of describing the emotion I felt throughout this little incident, but suffice it to say that it was good for my humility.

I need to contribute more to the world.

Oh and by the way, the teller embarrassed me a bit with her effusive thank you, not that I wanted it. I think she was just grateful that she didn't have to send the woman away without her goods.  Personally I considered the whole deal a gift to me.  To be in the right place at the right time, to spend my money on something useful.  I know my daddy would have been proud of me!

And whether today's episode has motivated me to do some more writing only time will tell.  Meanwhile, please know that I love you all, and that I continue to do the best I can with what I got today.

"Life is a long lesson in humility."---James M Barrie

Love
Peter

"Small Goals"

It may seem totally silly but my short term training goal is to run 5 kms.  Lots of people can do that, but lots can't, so I think it's a good place to start.  Actually I can already run that far already, but now I want to run it a little faster.  By the end of this month I plan on running 5 kms in 25 minutes.   I once did it in 18 minutes so that should be easy eh?  I have been getting out every second or 3rd day, and while it seems way too painful, it also feels good just to run.  I tried the trails a few times as well but that was still too discouraging.

I've learned from Elly that little steps are some times the best way to climb a mountain so that's gonna be my new attitude.  Once I achieve this goal, I will move on to the next.

And as much as I hate to give him credit, please check out John's comment on yesterdays post.  Very insightful John.  Thanks.

run 5 kms, 26:27

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."---Zig Ziglar

Love

"I have a question?"

Is it a healthy thing for one to pour out their worries, fears and frustrations?  I struggle with this question for a few reasons, not the least of which is wondering how it may affect others.  I know the biggest struggle in my life is worrying about the happiness of those I love, and as such I am reluctant to burden them with my personal woes for fear that I will dampen their spirits, and in essence create a vicious circle.  I just don't know.

The other consideration is the age old question of self fulfilling prophecies.  I believe that for me, airing my pain brings me some relief, at least in the short term.  But on the other hand, does talking about it make the fears a reality??  I just don't know.

And another question still on my mind, while probably less significant in the big picture, is still an uncertainty.  That's about these eyes of mine.  While I am generally feel quite content with my eyesight without correction, I do still find them quite sore at times, and I often have a headache by the evening.  I worry that I 'm  straining them.  Certainly if I added glasses my overall eyesight would be spectacular, but I'm not ready to concede that yet.  At the very least I will wait until I see the optometrist in a few weeks.  For now, I just know.

Besides, I can now legally drive in Ontario without corrective lenses.  For the first time in my 44 years of holding a permit!!!!!  I went and got the asterisk removed from my license the other day.  My vision was measured at 20/40 with 170 degrees of peripheral vision.  The minimums are 20/50, and 120.  The funny things is that at distance I can see better using my left eye only.  I think because I am right eye dominant, and that is the eye programmed for close up sight, that it tends to try to take over even at distance.  Certainly the right eye is the one that causes double lights at night.

But while the jury is still out long term I continue to be amazed at what I now have.  I still laugh at myself several times a day as I adjust to not have the specs sitting on my face.  Today I caught myself scrunching up my nose to reposition my glasses on my face.  I also still try to take them off every night when I'm done reading, and I always slide my finger up my cheekbone and under the lens in order to scratch an itchy eye.

And along with the unlearning which I'm sure will come naturally, there is some intentional learning I need to do.  The biggest single challenge for me will be to start wearing safety glasses when appropriate.  It's already happened a few times that I got crap in my eyes, and I was always totally surprised.

Speaking of challenges, I am trying to type with one hand because the other one is tied up with something much more important!  But I ain't complaining. I will happily be handicapped for as long as she's prepared to sit with me.

And that's all I got for today.  Please think hard about my question, cause I really just don't know.

To know that we know what we know, and to know that we do not know what we do not know, that is true knowledge."---Nicolaus Copernicus

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."---Robert Benchley

Love
Peter

"Behind Blue Eyes"

The Who released this song about 8 years before my eldest son was born, and yet somehow they wrote it for him.  Peter has the most amazing blue eyes.

"No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes"---Pete Townshend

Love

Peter

"As Two Eyes Make One in Sight"

I want to tell you the whole saga of my eyesight and it occurred to me that it has lasted as long as an IM training cycle.  Like Ironman I had many difficult decisions to make, but unlike Ironman, I think I made much better ones.  Not that I necessarily knew it at the time, but in hindsight I'm pretty well ready to call the journey a success.  By the way, the title of my blog is from a very excellent poem by Robert Frost Called "Two Tramps in Mudtime".  I've probably used it before

It was about a year ago that I first went to the optometrist with the suspicion that I was developing cataracts in at least one eye.  He confirmed that, and referred me to the one and only local ophthalmologist.

I got in to see him very early in February and as they say, 'without prejudice', what an unpleasant person.  I discussed the idea of waiting until after my race in August but he was dead set against  that.  He considered it of great risk, and relayed a recent story of having to make last minute procedure changes to another patient because he had waited too long.  Okay.....   He also told me about a different lens option that was available, but that he wasn't really a fan of it, and furthermore, that he didn't offer that particular solution.  That lens carried the potential to actually improve my eyesight, beyond just removing the cataract. If I really wanted to consider it he grudgingly agreed to give me a referral to someone who could do it.  It's called a Toric lens, designed specifically to improve astigmatism.  I requested time to think about it.

The real dilemma, and the really tough first decision I had to make was a choice between taking a break from training and getting it over with, or wait longer while I got my next referral.  One one end of the scale was the risk that he knew what he was talking about when it came to waiting, but on the other end was the potential of actually seeing better than perhaps I ever had.

I made the call to wait!

After a bunch of BS with him actually processing the referral, I finally got a call from Dr David Tingey's office at the Ivey Institute.  I got in to see him some 2 1/2 months later, and again, "without prejudice' what a pleasant person.  He discussed the Toric lens option with me, including of course the risks and opportunities, and when he told me there was a possibility of riding my bicycle without prescription glasses I was sold!!  Contrary to the previous physician he was a big fan of this type of lens, had implanted them numerous times, and furthermore he seen no absolutely no risk in waiting until after my race.  Okay.....This decision wasn't so hard.

So I waited patiently (NOT!) until our return form Quebec, all the time quite aware that my left eye was getting progressively worse.  I remained a bit worried that the first guy was still right about the delay, and it was with some trepidation that I waited for Sept 1st, the scheduled date for my left eye.  It didn't help that several days prior to that I got a call from his office advising me that it would be delayed for one week.  While I was at first disappointed, I quickly realized that this was a good thing.  My second eye was now scheduled only a week after the first, which would mean much less down time overall.

Sept 8th and surgery arrived.  Two hours after it was over I was sitting in his chair for a quick followup up and after having a look, he flashed the eye chart on the wall.  Much to my surprise I could read several lines, and much to my shock he told me that I was seeing clearly enough to drive without glasses!!!!!!!!!!  No freakin way!!!!!!  Is this possible?  Driving without glasses???

Needless to say it was a gleeful ride home, even if Roo wouldn't actually let me drive, the bitch.  Apparently that's against the rules, just because you're maybe a little bit tipsy from the sedative they pumped into my veins.

Driving without glasses!!  And riding, and swimming, and running, and going for walks. and roofing, and cleaning the pool, and making the bed, and taking a piss in the middle of the night, and looking at my honey.........holy freaking cow.

But then I got home, took, my left lens out of my glasses and sat down to relax and read for a while.  I taught maybe I should try to just check out my new bionic eye on something closeup, and that's when I got the near vision shock I already told you about.  I expected to need reading glasses for exactly that, reading, but I did not expect to need them for every normal closeup activity....answering my phone, looking at my watch, using a screwdriver. I was concerned enough to call his office, and I got an immediate invite to come and see him the next day.

After listening patiently to my concerns he gave me 3 options.  First, go back in and change the left eye to bring my focus closer.  This might mean I could lose some of that driving/riding/swimming glory I was revelling in, and he wasn't really in favour of that option from a technical perspective anyway.  The next option was to proceed with the other eye exactly the same way, and accept that i would need to have reading glasses with me at all times.  He actually recommended this choice as he believed that over time I would adjust, and that it was also the safest choice.  After all, just being able to drive without glasses was way more than I ever expected when I started this journey.  We also talked about a third option, and while he wasn't initially in favour of it, after some discussion he came around.  That option was to make my right eye different than my left, in the hope that it would at least give me enough closeup vision to do things like answer my phone.  Decision time again!

I gave him the go ahead to order the new lens, and much to my surprise they were able to get it in time for my original Sept 15 surgery.  It would be one diopter different than my first eye.

About an hour after surgery this time, a technician came in and checked my eye, including a quick look at the eye chart where again I was surprised.  Surprised that I couldn't get past the top line!!  I put it down to the fact that I had just come off the table, and never thought much more about it.'  The doctor also came in, had a quick look, stated his satisfaction, and told me to come back in a week for a followup.  This time he didn't ask me to read the chart, and  in hindsight I think that was because he already knew what I "couldn't" see.  Regardless, we headed home without any worries.

By the time I got home that had changed.  I couldn't see a freaking thing out of my right eye, neither near nor far.  WTF?  Needless to say I wasn't feeling too good, but managed to tell myself that I would wait til the following morning before I would call his office.  Meanwhile I chatted with eye expert, sister Mary, and she cautioned me to relax and be patient.

By morning I suddenly had some improved near vision, and I knew exactly why.  Actually I felt kind of stupid, because after nearly 50 years of getting my pupils dilated you would think that I knew better.  The drops they put in always ruin your near vision for the rest of the day!

I still decided to call the office since, despite improvement, I could not do things like read my phone, which was the hope.  Also my distance vision in that eye was way worse than my other one, not just a bit worse like I expected

The day wore on and I didn't hear back from the doctor.  The day wore on and my near vision got better yet!  The day wore on, and the gap in distance between left and right closed!  More discussion with Mary helped me stay grounded, and by the end of the day I decided I wasn't gonna call the doctor back.  I'm pretty sure that my message got missed, because previously they always faithfully returned calls on a timely basis.

And in interest of cutting off this lengthy narrative I skip forward to Saturday afternoon, 4 days after my second surgery.

For four days I have not worn a pair of glasses! That's the first time in about 47 years!

Four days later I can ride my bike, and drive my truck without glasses.  Although I haven't tried it yet, I'm sure I will be able to swim without corrective goggles, and certainly running will be a breeze.

But here's the kicker!  I can answer my phone, read on my tablet, work on my computer, and most importantly, use a screwdriver to install some new outdoor lights on the grandkids house!

I never really thought of the significance of the last part because I can assure you that without the last minute change we made to the right eye, that I would always need glasses to do any of my home handy man stuff.  I would struggle to read a tape measure.

Of course not everything's perfect as I still am experiencing some ups and downs in acuity, and at night all the cars have 4 headlights until they get close enough.  I also get a wee bit disoriented at time but I think that's just my tow eyes learning to work together. But nothing's perfect, and I can live with all of  those things.

And like everything else I suppose my wonder will pass, but for now I remain in absolute awe of what has been accomplished.  I have to give Dr Tingey unlimited credit of course, for both his technical skill  and his bedside manner  I also have to say thanks once more to Mary, as she has talked me throughout this for the entire year, including getting expert opinions from her extensive resources, and even doing reference checks on the doctors that I saw.  But I also am very proud of the difficult decisions I made along the way.  Because of my questioning nature, we achieved way more than I even considered possible at the outset!! I'm content.

If the doc okays it, and the weather permits it, I'm gonna go for a bike ride next week.  That will be he first time since Tremblant, and I promise to tell you all about it.

And that's the end of a long story.  If you skipped ahead to this part don't apologize.  I know that's it's not very well written, but I just needed to get it down for my own sake.  Game on!

...I like this, and it seemed timely...

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."---Marcel Proust

Love
Peter

"Still Here"

Just been preoccupied with my eye surgery, and the garage rebuild.  Both are going well, and I promise to tell you more over the next day or so.

In brief, 

The garage has a brand new top, with shingles going on in the morning.

And I haven't worn glasses in 2 days!!!!!

Love

Peter

"For The Sake of Clarity"

Pun intended!

After I got a few questions about it, I reread my eye surgery post and realized that I wasn't totally clear about the near vision surprise I had.  Or perhaps more accurately, I didn't really understand it myself.  You see, I knew very well that I was gonna lose some unaided near vision, and knew very well that I would need glasses to read comfortably.  And I am so absolutely elated to have such incredible distance vision that I still find myself alternately covering one eye and then the other, just to marvel at the difference.  It's like someone opens a filthy window, and then on top of that makes everything bigger and shinier.  If I ever seen the world this clearly (out of one eye at least), then it was too long ago to remember.

But back to the near vision thing.  As the week wore on I realized that it was not the loss of clarity that surprised me, but rather my inability to compensate in any way.  For the last 50 years, if something was blurry or too small to read I simply moved it closer to my face, or squinted.  Guess what?  Neither of those solutions work anymore.  That's why I specifically mentioned my phone because I had it in mind that for occasional needs I could just "look a little harder".  No way man!  Doesn't work.

But I'm pretty sure I will adjust quickly.  I haven't had to yet because I continue to wear my regular glasses with just one lens, but after Tuesday I will be completely dependant on my implants.  I'll tell you one thing.  I sure won't be whining about it, because the improved over-all sight is mind boggling. Plus, you never know.  The change we are making to the right lens should help a bit.

And you know what's really, really cool?  Being able to read the menu board at a fast food restaurant before I get to the counter!!

And technology is on my side in other ways as well, in that I can always get a bigger phone and zoom the text size way up, and as most of my recreational reading is done on an electronic device there are almost no limits what you can do with that.  The only real handicap may be reading the nutritional labels on the food I buy, but Colby tells me I do way too much of that anyway.  :)

And perhaps you may recall that my last post wasn't really about my sight anyway, it was about my continuing search for happiness in the moment.  Despite some good advice I can't pretend that I have solved it in the last few days.  I still continue to look forward to a better time.  And while I agree with John's comment that happiness, like everything else, ultimately comes down to  a simple decision, the fact that it's simple, does not make it easy.  I tried to think of some examples to illustrate my point but quickly realized I need but one.  I give you the case of the addict!!

And that's all I got for today.  I am starting to get that feeling again, and anticipate posting at least every few days.  We'll see how it goes.  I hope a bunch of men (or better yet women) with hammers and wrecking bars arrive here tomorrow morning to start rebuilding my garage.  But in the spirit of my post, if they don't, I'm not gonna let it make me unhappy.  I'm gonna get pissed off instead!!  Either way, it will give me something to talk about.

....and once I have two new eyes, maybe I need to look more closely in the mirror...

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."---Carl Jung

Love
Peter

"Anti-social"

There's really no other way to put it.  I just haven't felt like making the effort.  There's lotsof good things going on in my life, and yet I find myself at low tide.  The little problems seem like big ones, and the big ones seem insurmountable.

People talk about living in the moment but somehow my mind won't grasp that.  I seem always to be looking forward to some future time and circumstance.  Am I unusual in this regard?

For example.

On tuesday I had eye surgery.  Although it was a smashing success from the perspective of distance vision and removal of the cataract, I was a bit surprised at the amount of near vision loss that came along with it.  But all in all, really super because I will clearly be able to swim, bike, run and drive without glasses for the first time in my life!!  That's a freakin miracle!!

Anyway, I met with the doctor today and we are gonna do something a little different with the other eye to perhaps improve my near vision a bit, hopefully to the point where I can at least use my phone without having to dig out a pair of reading glasses.

And the point of the story is that I'm looking forward to it.  That sounds like a good thing when you put it that way, but the truth of it is that it's the exact opposite to "living in the moment"!  Is it not?

Instead of living in the glory of this small miracle of science, I can't wait to get the other eye done.  Then I'll be happy!!!!!!!  Right??????

And that's all I got!  No excuses, no apologies, no answers!

I do have a smile for you however.

When Ky and I spotted these two lovebirds on a pine cone,

her comment was, "I haven't started health classes yet, so I can't comment on that"  :)  And in case you have any doubt, grasshoppers are sexually dimorphic.....look it up.

And the funny thing about the whole sex ed thing is that it apparently starts in grade 5.  Ky is in the grade 4 part of a split 4/5 class.  Do they just tell the grade 4's not to listen?  ...hmmm...

Love
Peter

"Forever Junior"

I once had to e-mail some money to one of Claudette's siblings and as the verification question I asked them to confirm their dad's first name.  A day or so later Roo got a call asking for clarification on the question because they couldn't seem to access the money.  Apparently they had tried every variation of "Junior" they could think of without success!!

Yup!  Even his children thought his name was Junior.  I think Leon never lasted beyond the delivery room.  And of course you would be right in speculating that his fathers name was Leon as well, and in fact two more Leons followed Junior.  His son, known simply as Leon, and his grandson who of course is "little" Leon.

When the priest used his proper name throughout the service I was tempted to shout out a correction but managed to control myself.  Regardless of what the priest said, or regardless of what they write on his monument, regardless of what the death certificate says, to everyone who's life he touched, he will be "Forever Junior".

Here is an incomplete list of things I remember about my father-in-law.  Incomplete because the memories come back over time, and I'm sure I'm gonna have many more over the coming days/weeks/months as we celebrate his life.

He loved all animals but none more that his precious horses.
He loved humour in any form.
He disliked government in any form.
He was a brilliant man.  Although a simple farmer, well spoken and well written in two languages.
He loved playing cards.
He was exceptionally good at math in his head.
He loved to teach.
He loved to learn.
He loved children, specially the little ones.
He believed in his God, and wasn't afraid to say it.
He believed in truth above all.
He liked to argue....me too!
He never hedged his bets...if he was in, he was in!
He assisted in the raising of nine remarkable children.
And perhaps above all else, he lived life one day at a time!

I could go on, and of course I could probably even remember a few things I didn't like as much.  There's not point in it however, and if I were honest with myself, that list would be a whole lot shorter than my own list of shortcomings.

So I will leave it at this.  I will miss you Junior.  You never failed to treat me with respect. Today I celebrate your life and as you move on to join your precious Rachelle (his daughter), I take this opportunity to thank you for leaving your precious Claudette behind to continue to teach me the things you taught her. I give you this solemn promise, that every time she argues with me, I will think of you. :)

Good night Junior.  See you at the track!

And the animals loved him as well.  Check out the little butterfly that's making the trip with him.

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.'---Chuch Palahniuk

Love

Peter

"Not so Quick"

I thought that I was gonna close out my estate trustee work once and for all this coming friday.  NOT!  Hard to fathom how some people think, but it is what it is.  At least I can put the files away until the spring when the saga will continue, and in the meantime I can feel sorry for myself.  Also NOT!

I am dragging my ass a bit, but I think that's okay as well. Its been an emotional month and of course it continues with the funeral this week.  Crazy, but I'm really looking forward to the visitation and the actual funeral as it will be a chance to reach out to others and try to have a positive impact during a sad time.  I think I'm good at that.

Not working out is hard as well but I am committed to my sabbatical for some time yet.  I don't thank there's any other way.

And that's it for today.  Today's quote comes from my sister/friend. I love it!

"Be nice to all who suffer. From anything."---Gail Perry

Love

Peter

"Still Here"

Just idling my engine.  I know that's bad for the environment but I'm afraid that like many of the cars I owned as a young man, if I shut it off completely, it won't start again.  I suppose that like many of the farm tractors of my youth I could park at the top of a hill and let it run down to start it, but that assumes a manual transmission, and I'm afraid my stick shift years are behind me.

So I'm just gonna idle a bit longer.  I tried running this past Sunday and it was all I could do to complete 5 kms at a 6 minute pace!!! Wow!!!

We're gonna be putting Leon Regnier Junior to rest over the next few days which will provide more opportunity for me to rest as well, and on top of that I'm sure the family interaction will recharge my batteries.  I am so blessed to have not just a large wonderful clan of my own, but I can share Roo's boisterous group of 9 as well.  Amazing really.  I'll tell you a bit more about my father-in-law over the next few days, but for now suffice it to say that he always did the best he could with what he had.

Talk to you soon.....you too Junior...

....and this makes sense to me....

"To be idle requires a strong sense of personal identity."---Robert Louis Stevenson

Love

Peter

It Was a Long Drive to Fuddy's House

And it wasn't really a long drive, it just seemed that way to Kylie.  Ky is an animal lover and this was her first experience with a chinchilla.  

It's basically a big rat with very, very, very, very soft fur.

He belongs to our niece Maisie, and the good news is that when we leave here (Fergus) tomorrow, Fuddy is staying behind.  Phew!

And that's it!  Home tomorrow!  

"It may be that the satisfaction I need depends on my going away, so that when I've gone and come back, I'll find it at home."---Rumi

Love

Peter

"We're going to visit Fuddy!"

Tomorrow that is, and then home on Saturday.  I have had enough inactivity actually. It's making me real tired.  Time to go home and fix something.  And I'll explain "Fuddy"tomorrow, but for now please know he's supposed to be really soft.  We shall see??

"You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it."---Bob Hope

Love

Peter

"Still Reeling"

Today a man screamed at me for a minute straight, first in French and then in English.  But understanding the language wasn't necessary to get the gist of the venom this man was spewing at me.  After he was done screaming, he proceeded to punch my motorhome.  My granddaughter was seriously frightened, and I was quivering with anger by the time he was done, and yet managed to say not a word.

And why was he screaming?

I had in no way affected his life, or that of any other person in this entire universe, and yet he carried so much anger in him I was in shock.  Just this moment I came to the realization that he must have been under the influence, or having some kind of psychotic episode.

What did I do?

I inadvertently went the wrong way down a 50 metre section of lane way in a Costco parking lot!!!  No one was even going the other way!

I had to tell you about it to get it off my chest.  Phew.

I think I met 3000 wonderful people in Quebec in the last week, and one not so wonderful.  I need to remember that.

We are back in Ontario this evening perhaps a half hour south of Ottawa.  One we get back home I'll get you a few pics of the highlight of out trip, our Ziplinng experience.  Watching Kylie fearlessly heave herself backwards off the platform, and then fly through the air for more than a kilometre was beyond description!!

And Elly, unfortunately there is very little to be found on paralympic athletes.  Lets try again. 

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger."---Buddha

Love

Peter

"Meet Eric"

Last evening I was sitting in my rental car at a small park lot waiting for Roo and Ky to come back from their run/ride when I noticed a man pull up at the other end of the lot in a very high tech hand cycle.  He rode it over to a vehicle and much to my surprise opened the rear hatch, and while still sitting in the bike, hauled a wheelchair out of the vehicle.  He then effortlessly hoisted his body out of the recumbent cycle, and plunked it into the wheelchair.  Of course he did all this without any assistance from his legs, which were clearly just dead weight.  He then proceeded to swing the bike up into the back of the vehicle while still sitting in the chair.  When he first arrived my mind was quite busy with some "poor peter" thinking, and I suddenly knew I had to go talk to this guy.

Of course approaching someone just to talk becomes a potential problem when English is not the common language, as the conversation may be vey short.  Fortunately between my smattering of French, and Eric's reasonably good english we managed to communicate.  I told him that I had been sitting there bemoaning my ironman experience and that seeing him so routinely deal with the lack of functioning legs inspired me to come over and talk to him.  He was a very modest 44 year old with arms as big as my legs, who puts about 200 kms per week on his hand cycle!!

We chatted, and eventually Roo got back, and we chatted some more with the help of her very good french, and we learned many things about Eric Gauthier.  Most notably we learned about his incredibly positive outlook on life.  He damaged his spinal cord in a snowmobile accident as a young adult, but has remained extremely active ever since.  Turns out that he is this Eric.

Yup!  Eric has been on the Canadian Paralympic Team for 20 years, and has represented our country at the last 4 olympic games as a wheel chair sprinter. He declined the opportunity to go to Rio in 2016 cause he's just tired of the training regimen.  Pretty cool eh?  I just knew I had to go talk to the guy!

And whether it was the positive interaction with Eric, or just the passage of time, I already feel a bit better.  I also think it helps that I really knew all along that it would have taken a small miracle to complete the race.  It was pretty undeniable that over the last 3 to 4 months I was deteriorating, not progressing.  Not to start the race would to me have been a failure, but not completing makes it just another tough workout.

Besides....I'm already making plans!!  Dream on!!

And to end my visit with Eric he pushed his wheelchair over to the drivers side of the vehicle, hauled himself in, hauled the wheelchair in after him, and drove away!  He never waved goodbye.  :)

"The only disability in life is a bad attitude."---Scott Hamilton

Love

Peter

"This above all- to thine own self be true'

"And it must follow, as the night the day.  Thou canst not then be false to any man"

Some times the right person, says the right thing, at the right time.  I have met my friend Gail exactly two times in person, and yet somehow she seems to know me as a sister might.  She sent me this Shakespearean quote this morning and I latched on to it like a lifeline.  She also knew that it was from Hamlet, which of course I would have no idea of, not having paid any attention through my 4 1/2 years of high school.

And like I said....exactly what I needed to be reminded of this morning.

I need to be true to myself.  On this particular day I need to admit my near overwhelming sense of loss.  I don't want to belabour it, and I am determined to not let it spiral down into self pity, but like all losses, it needs to be grieved.  I think that telling you about it will help me to move through that phase, and allow me to focus on what's next.

Before I go there however I need to tell you the immense satisfaction I got out of Brett and John's success.  While I take no direct credit for their accomplishments, I do trust that in some small way I inspired them.  Congratulations to both of them!!

But back to the way I feel today.  None of it I'm particularly proud of, but despite that. or perhaps because of it, I need to air it.

It feels like I have worked ceaselessly for 3 straight years without any payoff.  I feel jealous of all those people who walk around this morning with the finishers hat and shirt.....including Brett and John!  I feel disappointed that others can't celebrate my success, most notably my honey, my children, and my grandchildren.  And most of all I feel dumb for not managing my body better over the past year.  I suppose it's my A type personality, but I tend to believe that all problems can be solved with the right plan.  And finally, and most of all.....I'm mad!!!!!!

And before you  tell me that all of these things are just feelings, and that they can be changed, please know that I already know that.  I still think it's important that I acknowledge them so that I can move forward without the baggage.  As much as I want to keep up  a brave face, I fear that if I pretend too much, it will eat me from the inside.  That's why I choose this vehicle to air things a bit.  Hope you don't mind.

And referring back to the quote, this idea of Bill's that if I'm honest with myself I can not be dishonest with you, seems of value to me.  If I'm honest about my own shortcomings, my own insecurities, it somehow precludes me from blaming the rest of the world, or worse yet, those immediately around me, for my own weaknesses.

As to where I go from here. and what part Ironman will play in my future, I am still uncertain.  In the back of my mind there is this ceaseless voice that tells me I still have to correct my failure.  But I think the best way to deal with that voice is just to think about getting healthy first, then perhaps doing some  shorter triathlons, and then once I feel right, create the "perfect" IM training plan.  The thing I find ironic about that idea, is that I feel very qualified to coach someone else, but I'm afraid that for the last year at least, I have failed miserably at coaching myself.

At least for now I also intend on maintaining a blog of some kind.  Of course it will have to be a new one with a new title that has some relevance, and a theme reflective of the next part of my life.  That may take me a day or two to come up with....hmmm....

And Gail's quote is from some obscure little play called Hamlet.  The character (Polonius) is giving advice to his son and in this particular fatherly rant he shares some other useful wisdom.  I liked these lines especially.

"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment."

"Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel"

And what amazes me is that I never paid attention to this stuff in grade 11, because I find the words such wonderful puzzles now.  I also find them inspiring.

And speaking of inspiring, this evening I met the person who provided me with my first reason to stop whining about how I feel, and get on with the rest of my life.  You'll meet him tomorrow.  

....and this one's for you Gail....

"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."---William Shakespeare

Love

Peter

"Wish Me Luck"

Que sera, sera.

Dream on!

You should be able to find live results here.  Just type in the race number and search.

Peter   2140
John    1972
Brett    2060

Love
Peter

"Two More Sleeps"

Or one and a half I suppose.  I wish they would start these things about 10 a.m., cause that would suit my style a whole lot better.  I hate...and I mean hate getting up in the dark.  But they have this thing about ending the race at the stroke of midnight and so I don't think they're gonna make any adjustments on my accord.  And I suppose I'll be grateful for the 17 hour limit before the day is out.

I'm feeling a bit more relaxed today and yet just as uncertain at the same time.  I suppose maybe it's the realization that I have truly done everything that I could expect of myself, and the whole deal is in the creators hands now.

I swam a bit yesterday and found a problem with my goggles but I think my spare pair are gonna work okay.  Today I went for a short ride (15 kms) and a little walk/run (2 kms), and quite frankly felt sluggish during both.  I'n not fretting over it though, because it's too late to change anything now.

And I appreciate all the words of support and guidance.  I want you to know that I really am entering this thing with an open mind, although I can understand why it may seem I'm being a bit negative.  I believe in possibility thinking, and in line with that I say "Dream On"

You have to dream before your dreams can come true."---Abdul Kalam

Love

Peter

"Forgot to Post"

Sorry.
Talk to you later.
Love
Peter

"Choices"

Question:  If I were to leave this earth next monday would I prefer to be remembered as the guy who finally conquered the Tremblant Ironman course, or simply as a decent man who added value to the world?

Answer:  Both!

I think it's the very idea of not having a choice that scares the crap out of me.  After all, if I finish the race on Sunday I will be able to rest on my laurels, but if I don't, I will still have tons (well actually tonnes since I'm Canadian) of work to do in order to become the decent man I referenced.  And while some that love me may argue that, the reality is that I am the only person who can make a fair assessment, and I know my shortcomings all too well.

To compound the whole thing I don't know which of the initiatives will prove the most difficult.  If I have ever undertaken anything in my life with less confidence than I have going into this race, I certainly can't remember it.  And as to becoming a better man, it's not about confidence at all, but rather about courage.  It may mean making difficult decisions, and/or, changes in my life that I don't want to make

I suppose there could be a third choice.  Fail in the event, and then also neglect to make personhood improvements.  For now I'm still shooting for both!  We shall see.

Brother John arrived today with his lovely wife Linda, and other brother Brett gets here tomorrow with his better half, little sister Teresa  It occurs to me that if I don't finish the race these two men will provide an opportunity for me to become a better man immediately.   All of my life I have had great difficulty being happy for the success of others.  Always there is an element of jealousy when some one else does well, especially if it's someone stealing my thunder.  After Sunday I will no longer be the only Ironman in the family!!! I need to be proud of them, and I need to promote their moment in the sun.

Tomorrow is check in day, and the nerves are starting to set in.  After that bit of line standing is done I will probably feel a bit more relaxed for a day or so, and then it will start to build again.  One thing I shouldn't have to worry about is freezing my proverbial nuts off, as they are predicting 28 degrees, with little chance of rain!!  I'm probably gonna be whining about the heat!!

And that's all I got for today.  I'm gonna take Gail's advice now and go find Kylie at the playground....

Love
Peter

"Settled In"

At Tremblant that is.  To the same spot, in the same park!  Three times lucky?  I don't feel much like blogging however, as I mull over why I'm here again.  It will probably become clear over the next few days, and then I'll tell you about it.

Love
Peter

"East of Kingston and no wifi. Ttyt Love Peter

"Lets get this show on the road"

As promised, a pic of our new wheels.

Pretty eh?

And while I know it's just a material possession thing, I still like driving it around and parking it in places.  

And as to why I'm taking it to Mont Tremblant, I looked back to September 29th of 2008 when I set off on my first adventure.  Other than location,  the answer still works.

"I am doing this because I can! I am grateful that I can and so I intend to celebrate by doing so. I am doing this because it will be a great adventure. A whole year of intense workouts in 3 disciplines. I am doing this because the event itself will be a great adventure. Claudette and I will probably take our RV out to the beautiful Okanagan and make it a well deserved(at least for Claudette) vacation. I am doing this because Claudette thinks I should, and that in itself is a good enough reason for me. I am doing this for the very resaon Elly asks the question; as a motivator to be the fittest kindest person I can be. I believe that it has already done some things for me in this regard. And last but not least I am doing this because Pete Townsend and Roger Daltry asked the question "Who are you?" or more specifically in the lyrics of this great tune..."who the fuck are you? I am doing it to find out who I am, no pun intended. The first line in the song after the intro says and I quote..."woke up in a Soho doorway, a policeman knew my name. He said you can go sleep at home tonite, if you can get up and walk away". Thats why I'm doing this. To prove that I can get up and walk away. I don't mean from the physical challenges that tore me down in the last year, but rather from the self pitying, dependant, depressed person that I had become as a result. I am doing this because I want to get up and walk away, so that I can sleep at home tonite. Some people can't and/or don't!"

We shall see what happens, but for sure we won't know til we get there!  Whatever it is will be good!

"Trying to predict the future is like trying to drive down a country road at night with no lights while looking out the back window."---Peter Drucker

Love

Peter

"Close Enough"

While the plan to get up at 4 didn't quite come to fruition I was in the pool by 7:15, and my mini Ironman went quite well.  I used all my race gear, and even packed it in bags to simulate race day.  I tried the strip naked and get dry tactic, and indeed it is a very slow process.  No matter how dry you think you are, damp skin and skin tight tri suit's just don't slide together well.  I think it took an extra 3 or 4 minutes which seems like forever when you're doing it.  Of course that's peanuts in the big scheme of things.  Like I said, the weather will make that decision for me come race day.  Everything else felt really good and I actually felt a little energy on the run/walk portion.

We are pretty well packed up, and at the very least I think I have everything I need for ironman day.  I'm starting to get excited, and somehow I'm not really feeling any pressure.  I think just the idea of getting away from home for a few weeks is adding a sense of relief.  No beneficiaries, no insurance people, no contractors for nearly 2 glorious weeks.  The kids are really excited as well which helps, and Roo and I are committed to giving them a great first experience in our new motorhome.  I promise you a picture of it before we head out.

And that's it for today.  Life is good!

swim 100 metres, ride 18 kms, run/walk 5 kms

I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all the kinds of things you can't see from the center.'---Kurt Vonnegut

Love

Peter

"oops"

Gotta get up early. Talk to you tomorrow.

Love
Peter

"I Shall Not Freeze!"

I was gonna start this post by telling you that I have very few expectations from this race, but that wouldn't be quite accurate.  Don't get me wrong, there is a very good chance that I won't be able to finish it, and I've come to terms with that.  Before you start thinking I've gone all negative let me elaborate a bit.  Over the last 6 months I have had so many instances of dizziness and near fainting, both during and after relatively easy workouts, that to deny the likelihood of that happening on race day would be naive.  Even today, for several hours after my nice leisurely 4000 metre swim, I had several dizzy spells triggered simply by standing up.  Why this is I don't even care right now, cause it is what it is.

And while I sure don't like the idea of not completing, I also think it's prudent to consider the possibility.  I have so many rich and interesting things in my life that to depend on one day for my feelings of well being would be kinda dumb.

But....like I said....I still have expectations.  Above all else I expect to give the very best I have to give on that given day! I ain't quitting at the first sign of problems, and as a matter of fact I remain confident that I will get at least as far as last year.  I also know myself well enough to know there is some risk that I continue past the point of a healthy decision, so I will get advice from my wife as the day wears on.

Another significant expectation I have for race day is that I don't freeze my proverbial balls off.  While I still may be cold in the lake, I am determined that beyond that I will be dry and warm. I will leave the final decision til game day but I am seriously considering doing something I have never before done in a triathlon of any distance, and that is to completely change my clothes before getting on my bike.  I would simply wear a speedo under my wetsuit, and then towel off and change into a nice dry tri suit in the tents.  I really believe that while it may not have been the primary problem last year, I do believe it exacerbated the issue.

And amongst a whole bunch of other stuff that I expect for the days leading up to and including  race day, I expect that you continue to expect the best out of me as well.  Please continue to believe that I will successfully complete my first ironman in Quebec, but regardless of results, rest assured that "I shall not freeze!"

swim 4000 metres, 1:30:15

And after reviewing about 200 quotes I finally settled for this one.  A perfect one liner!

"If you expect the blessings of God, be kind to His people."---Abu Bakr

Love
Peter

"Damn!"

I'm sure there's gonna be lots more of these moments over the coming months, and every one of them is gonna cost me some money.  Try as one might, there are things you don't even remember you have until the day comes that you go to use it.

 I'm sure I've told you how long lasting the batteries in my bike are, and as such I charge them about twice a year.  This is the first time since I got my new machine that the need arose.  Guess where the charger is.....or rather was?  Yup! In the RV....the old one that is.

One hundred and twenty bucks later!!  Damn!! That wasn't the worst of it though.  The initial panic that set in was way worse.  I didn't know for sure if I could get one locally by the weekend, but the nice man at To Wheels in London came through big time.  He actually robbed one from a bike he's getting ready for  customer, and will simply replace it for the guy asap.  Thanks Mike!!

And it was another busy. busy day of preparation.  Aside for shopping for all the stuff we don't have any more....the stuff I knew about....I also got my bike all spic and span.

Swim tomorrow morning, and then more prep.

"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it's one damn thing over and over."---Edna St Vincent Millay

"Every man is a damn fool for at least five minutes every day; wisdom consists in not exceeding the limit."---Elbert Hubbard

Love
Peter

"Still Laughing!!!"

I was at my local drug store looking for creative days to put some weight on Kylie (more about that later). and while I was there I also checked my blood pressure (119/73 all good), and then wandered around a little bit.  I don't know why this caught my eye because it's not an aisle I spend much time in, (not yet) but I can tell you I did a monstrous double take!  See  if it hits you the same way?

I actually drove all the way home but then went back to get this picture just for your viewing pleasure.  I guess the sign is advertising for their points card somehow, and this one just wasn't strategically well located.  I'm still chuckling.

As to Kylie, we need to get her up to 75 pounds so that she can do the zipline in Mont Tremblant, and we're looking for creative ways to surreptitiously add a few.  We need close to 10 total and we're about 3/4's of the way there with soft weights around her abdomen and ankles.  I'm looking for some comfortable, soft, heavy things we can stick in the pockets of her cargo pants.in case you got any ideas.

And while I wasn't working on this problem I was out enjoying the day on my bike.  My 90 kms was slow and uneventful but that's okay.  What's not okay is the fact that it left me more tired than I would like.  I need to be real gentle from here on in.

And I really only have two workouts left anyway.  On thursday I need to swim at least 3000 metres, preferably 4000 for confidence, and then on Saturday I will try to do a mini Ironman with all the race day gear.  I even want to simulate the event as to pre-race meal, and start time.  We'll see if I can get my butt out of bed at 4 am??

Oh, and I think I finally made my last momentous race day decision!  Which socks to wear!  I think??

ride 90 kms

"I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear."---Woody Allen

"You can tell a lot about a person from his underwear."---Rachel Bilson

Love
Peter

"Day Two"

Got my little swim in, and it felt okay.  It's evening now however, and I can tell that I still have some recovering to do.  I think lack of sleep is a big part of the problem.  One day at a time!

My next workout will depend entirely on the weather.  It needs to be a bike ride of at least 60 kms, but probably 90 would be better.  I will try tomorrow if the skies look clear enough, and the distance will be determined entirely by how I feel.

Other than my swim today I generally worked on trip preparations.  I don't know if I told you or not, but we bought another motorhome.  Of course along with the motorhome itself, all the contents that we had accumulated over the years also went up in smoke, so Roo and I are gradually rebuilding out little escape world. Dishes, blankets, towels, games, lawn chairs etc.  It is an advantage having done it all once before because we won't waste money on the wrong things, and as a matter of fact we are stocking it primarily from our own cupboards, and from the local thrift shops.

As to the motorhome itself, we really like it a lot.  Again, being more experienced, we knew what we were doing this time. I also gotta tell you that the fantastic people at Forest City Motorhomes came through big time.  Not just did we get a great deal, but they helped us with the insurance company on the vaporized one.  Thanks Rick and Gary!!

And that's it.  I hope to have a good nights sleep, and continue my progress towards Ironman tomorrow.  I hope you sleep well, as well.

swim, 1300 metres

"Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes."---Oscar Wilde

Love

Peter

"I'm Back!"

Due to popular demand, which in my case means three people.  That's probably as high as my rating has ever been, other perhaps than the day in grade 11 when I told the principal to eff off in front of a good portion of Arthur High's enrolment!  Ahhh....the memories.

I'm only back briefly today but I intend on posting every day from here on in.  That ain't much of a commitment mind you, cause D-day is 2 weeks from today.

As to what it will bring I have very few expectations at this point.  I have been sick as a dog and done nothing for 6 days now, and while I'm starting to recover, it's going very slowly.  Needless to say my 3 week taper plan has gone completely out the window.  All I'm hoping for now is a complete recovery by race day, and the hope that I don't lose too much fitness in the interim.  Tomorrow, I'm gonna try a little swim, and then go from there.

The really important thing I think is to get my head on straight in my remaining time.  It's hard to look forward to an Ironman with confidence when a walk from the parking into Lowes necessitates a little sit down as soon as I get in the door!  That was 2 days ago.


"Rest when you're weary. Refresh and renew yourself, your body, your mind, your spirit. Then get back to work."---Ralph Marsten

Love
Peter

"Life is Full"

And complicated and tiring.  That's why I'm just gonna stake a few days off to catch my breath.  Love you all to the moon and up!

Love
Peter

"Three Weeks!"

I'm glad to report that we are still leaving for Tremblant with our grandchildren on the 10th of August!!  We have a solution to our travel and accommodation problems, which I'll tell you more about later.

Now the challenge for me is to put aside my other worries and focus on the final preparations.  I suppose it's good news that because of wait times for roof trusses, they won't be starting on the garage until we get back anyway.  It's still gonna mean that I'm gonna have to give up a bit of control to the insurance company, and while they surely have a slightly different agenda than I do, I also have to admit that other than taking too long for everything, they haven't screwed me over yet.

Besides I got a whole neighbourhood of people who do have the same agenda as me, and giving up some control to them is at least a little bit easier.

And as to final preparations, the biggest training consideration is one more long ride, hopefully on Thursday.  Today was my last long run/walk effort which went relatively well, except for the man with the dog!  Oh how brave people are when they have a weapon.  He called me a retard and suggested than I wasn't smart enough to remember the 6 digits of his license plate!  Funny thing is....his plate had 7 digits and I had no problem remembering them all.  Retard!  He will be getting a call from my friends at the neighbourhood OPP station.

Tomorrow I will start making my lists beginning with one specifically for the stuff I need to do before we leave town.  Then of course there's the one for all the stuff we need to pack for the vacation aspect of our trip, as well as the Ironman specific list.  I think just the list making exercise itself will help me get focused.  I hope!

run/walk 25 kms, 6:30/km

"The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists."---H Allen Smith

"We like lists because we don't want to die."---Umberto Eco

Love
Peter

"Impatience"

I know I need to work on it, but I just don't do waiting well. 

I'm almost too anxious to write.

All this insurance crap.

The Ironman thing.

And my freakin eyes!  I'm tired of this fog.

I tell myself that in 4 weeks the IM will be over, in 6 weeks at least one eye will be fixed, and not too long after that we should at least have a garage back.

But I also know that that kind of thinking just leaves you impatient for the next problem to pass.   I'm frustrated with myself.

Bear with me.  Maybe it's just cause I haven't worked out in a few days.

"When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?"---George Carlin

Love

Peter

"A Brief Pause"

Talk to you tomorrow.

Love

Peter

"Humbled"

I spent a couple of hours this evening serving food to the less fortunate.  It was an eye opening experience.  I felt so naive.  I have lived in this town for 30 years and had no idea that the need for this type of support even existed, let alone know that someone is providing it regularly.  We served salad, cold cuts, ice cream and candy to 100 people of every age and condition.  Many of them were handicapped, either mentally or physically, many of them were poorly dressed, many of them never even made eye contact as they shuffled by our station.......but every last one of them said 'thank you' when I put a few slices of meat on their bun.  I mean, every last one!  I notice those things.

The real glory of the evening however was experiencing the whole thing with my granddaughter.  When the evening was over, she had only one question.

"Grampa, can we come back again next month?"

Damn I feel grateful!  And damn it feels good to feel so grateful!  I hope it motivates me to share more of myself.

....and I gotta give it to Jesus...

"For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and everyone who humbles himself will be exalted."---Jesus Christ

Love
Peter

"Confidence Builder"

While I never set any world records I just felt good all day.  If you haven't figured it out already, Ironman is all about endurance.  That is why people of all different shapes, sizes and ages can do it.  It really doesn't require any athletic ability, it just requires the ability to do the same thing over, and over, and over.....and most people can train their body to do this.

Today was the first time that I felt some renewed confidence in my endurance.  My legs never felt bagged for the entire 170 kms.  Mind you it was a perfect day for riding, and I rode a fairly easy course, and yet I know I could have rode for another hour without any issue.  And although I decided to cut my transition run back to 5 kms from the planned 8.5, it was more a case of boredom than fatigue.  I got a late start because I had a morning meeting and so by the time I got back from my ride it was almost 5 pm!!!

So, one more long one next week when I'll try to do the distance, and then the taper officially begins. Four weeks from Sunday to race day!!!  Holy cow!!

And have I ever told you how much I love my bike!?  Six hours sitting in the saddle is a long freakin time, but it's a whole lot better than sitting in my easy chair for the same time.  My easy chair doesn't have a battery, it has only one speed, it's not black, and it doesn't hum a perfect tune as it rolls down the road.

ride 170 kms, run/walk 5kms

"Skill and confidence are an unconquered army."---George Herbert

...and this one just because It touched me...

"Confidence in the goodness of another is good proof of one's own goodness."---Michel de Montaigne

Love
Peter

"Small Town"

St Thomas was a small town even before the advent of instant news, and social media.   Combine the small town gossip mill with the technology of communication and people know about stuff before it happens.  And if it happened to you, they are never reluctant to ask you about the details.

So yes we had a fire, and yes, every last person in St Thomas and surrounding area knows all about it....or at least know their version of it

It has gotten a bit tedious over the past week listening to one person after another explain how they knew, (the local radio station news feed,  and Facebook being the most popular) and then quiz us about just how it happened.  It's all done in a compassionate tone of course, and yet there is also a large hint of nosiness in many of the inquiries.

And perhaps for the first few days it was even healthy for me to talk about it.  But now, 10 days later, I don't really feel like discussing it with any more strangers, so I try to politely deflect conversation when people start asking.

We also live on a fairly major road which was closed to traffic during the fire, and that leads to even more people inquiring if we had anything to do with it, once they recognize our address.  This happened today while I was uptown at the windshield place getting a stone chip repaired.  The young man doing the work recognized my address, said he seen a bunch of smoke last Sunday, and eventually put two and two together and asked me about the fire.  He was very polite and as such didn't really annoy me, so I answered all his questions. Besides he was doing a great job fixing my windshield.  

And yet, one more time I thought, when will this end?

Not yet I guess, because as soon as he was done I went into the office to give the manager his $79.99 plus tax, only to hear it one more freaking time!!

"You're the guy that had the fire?

"Yup"

"Okay, you're outta here"

"Huh"

"Yah, sorry about your luck.  This one's on me"

It took me a second to figure it out, but when I did my voice cracked and my eyes welled up.  And I'm almost crying again as I tell you the story.  The very idea that this man, who I have never met in my life wanted to do something for me just because he heard that I had some bad luck.  This one little gesture, from one kind person makes me want to go shout things on the street about the goodness of mankind.  He reaffirmed my belief that although lots of people are assholes at some point in their life (me included), most people are kind at heart for most of their lives.

So I don't know yet how I'm gonna respond to his kindness, I only know that I'm gonna pay it forward somehow, and that I'm gonna do it in his name.  I hope he doesn't mind that I tell you that he is Dave Zegers, and that he is the manager of the St Thomas GO GLASS location.

Dave!  You are my real life superhero!!  I suspect that you have no idea of the significance of your gesture. I hope I never forget what you did for me today.  You are gonna be my inspiration for my entire 170 kms tomorrow!

'"Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end."---Scott Adams

Love
Peter

"Forgot to Blog"

Oh well.  Tomorrow!

Love
Peter

"Turning a Corner?"

I feel a bit better today.  I had at least 4 or 5 hours of sleep last night, and although I was still pretty anxious when I got up, it got better as the day wore on.  First thing in the morning, I met with the guy that determines the value of our contents.  This was the second meeting with him and I have to tell you that he has been exceptional.  I truly believed that he was trying to help me remember shit that was in the shed, and although I'm sure that I will remember more stuff when I need it over the next year,  I think that generally we got it covered.

Now a lot of waiting goes on, both for them to finalize contents value, and to get quotes from 17 different contractors in order to start the repairs on the garage.  As I learn more about the garage I realize how disruptive it's gonna be when they start.  When they say "attached" garage that's exactly what they mean.  Because there is no ceiling in the garage right now you can see exactly how "attached" it is.  I really don't know how they're gonna go about it, because when they remove the garage trusses there will be nothing holding up a good portion of the house roof.  I'm probably gonna learn some things.

One thing I'm a little worried about is that we leave for Tremblant 4 weeks from today, and it sure would be nice if the garage was done before that.  How else am I gonna "control" them?? I'm gonna talk to the adjuster in the morning and ask that they make it a priority.  The shed can wait til whenever.  After all, everything that we usually put in it is gone anyway!!

And if I didn't tell you this already, I continue to be impressed with The Cooperators insurance company.  Every contact so far has been professional, yet compassionate.  What a nice feeling.

I also took my own advice today and did some of the things that reduce my overwhelmed feeling.  I went for a 20 km walk/run, and I spent some time with the kids.  Even as I type this at 9:00 pm I am watching them play in the pool.  They both love the water, and when they play together in the pool, they are especially comfortable together.  It is a real pleasure to watch.  I got in for a bit myself, but I wore my wetsuit.  Pretty pathetic eh?

And today's silver lining?  The weak Canadian dollar!  Strange as it may seem, that will have a significant positive impact on the value of our destroyed motorhome.  Who would have thought?

run/walk 20 kms

...and especially for my son Michael who has spent several wonderful days with us since the fire....

"Still round the corner there may wait, A new road or a secret gate."---J R R Tolkien

Love
Peter

"Overwhelmed"

And not making any apologies.  I will be fine, but for today, it is what it is.  I know all the things I need to do to feel better, but right now I just don't have the courage to actually do them.  I'll start tomorrow.

You see it's all about my rain barrel.  When it rains too much, for too long, the barrel overflows.  One needs some consistent sunshine in order to evaporate some of the water.

And yes, I also know that a person can call down their own sunshine, but this person just can't right now.

And still, since I committed, here's my silver lining for today.  I'm gonna get a new wheelbarrow!!

"Sometimes when you're overwhelmed by a situation - when you're in the darkest of darkness - that's when your priorities are reordered."---Phoebe Snow

....and one of the greatest benefits of writing this blog is finding supporting quotes.  So often I find timely advice.  Like this.....

"Many of us feel stress and get overwhelmed not because we're taking on too much, but because we're taking on too little of what really strengthens us."---Marcus Buckingham

Love

Peter

"Guest Blogger"

Thank goodness! I'm bagged....again!

Before I hand it off though I just need to say a great big thanks to Gail and Doug.  It's your fault I had a tummy ache all afternoon!  I think it was from the 17 chocolate covered strawberries!!  Seriously guys....thank so much for thinking of us.  The "edible" bouquet was fantastic!

Ok....here you go with my guest.




Today was a splendid day.

I came down earlier this week, and again yesterday evening to be with my parents, and it’s been really great to be around the family.

This morning, I went with my parents to pick up Kylie from her week at camp, where you get to ride horses and do other fun things. She was assigned her very own horse for the week, named Sundown (who she requested). Once we got there around 11:00 to pick her up from the camp, the kids were just coming in from their last ride with the horses. It was really something to be able to see Kylie skillfully ride, and then dismount and tie up her horse. She clearly had a wonderful week, and spent a good amount of time saying good bye to all of her friends and camp counsellors.

Later in the afternoon, we then got to go pick up Colby from his two week camp. He was smiling and happy when we saw him, and he also clearly had a great time at camp. It’s really gratifying to see this for both Colby and Kylie.

I’m glad that they’re back. Colby’s reaction to learning about the fire, and the losses, was measured. He asked lots of questions, the inquisitive boy that he is, and then was quickly making jokes and having a really good sense of humour about it all. I love that about him. He’s an immensely smart and curious kid, and his natural curiosity and intuition about the world will take him to great places in life.

Likewise, Kylie has a strong sense of confidence as well as empathy. I saw this in the way she skilfully rode and directed her horse Sundown at camp, while also being nurturing and caring to him. After getting home from camp, she noticed a Chipmunk in the pool, and literally saved his life. She got him out of the pool, dried him off with a towel, and again empathetically nurtured him and watched over him until it was clear he was going to be alright and eventually scampered away on his own. There was a moment when we weren’t sure if he was going to be okay, because he was quite still at first, but she never gave up on him.

All in a all, a lovely day, and I’m so grateful for my family!

Love,
Michael

"You've Got To Be Fucking Kidding Me!"

That's what my friend May would have said if she got the phone call I did this morning.  It was from the insurance appraiser for the motorhome.  "Could I please fill out and return to him the 3 page, 160 question, document describing our destroyed motorhome?"  I remember thinking sure buddy, I'll just run out there and get the specs off the furnace, the air conditioner, the levelling jacks, the water heater, the awning, etc etc.  Or better yet, I could have told him to go find the bin that his contractor stuck the thing in, and he could climb in there and find the answers himself.  I could have also told him that the manual was inside the RV so he could certainly use it as a reference!!

But...........I decided not to tell him any of those things, and instead politely assured him that he could expect it back before monday morning.  In hindsight, it occurred to me that he may not even know it was in a fire, since he was just assigned the case by the adjuster.   Perhaps all he knows is that it was a write-off.  And after all, the bureaucracy machine needs to be fed.

Anyway, I'm a pretty creative guy so I called the nice people at Forest City Motor Homes and asked for help.  No problem! I headed up to London where my friends Rick and Gary completely took care of it.  Amazing!  While they worked, I window shopped :)

But that was after my easy 100 km ride, and after the week from hell I am pretty tired.  On the positive side, my mood continues to improve every day, and I'm sure my physical stamina will follow soon.

Tomorrow the kids come home from camp so that's pretty exciting.  We still have to break the bad news to Colb, and I hope he's not gonna struggle too much.  He will definitely be bothered by the RV, so we're trying to think of ways to break it to him.  I think he will be more intrigued than stressed by the shed and the garage.  He will want to know all about rebuild plans.  We shall see how it goes.

Speaking of which, Elly.  The foundation is over 4 feet deep with footings under that,  We have to remove the top 6 inches, the part that was exposed to the fire.  Not having to redig and pour the whole foundation will save about 5-6 grand!! The floor itself of course needs to be completely removed.

And today's silver lining was thinking about changes we will make to the big shed when we rebuild.  Lots of room for improvement especially for the winter, when Adrians car, and the tractor and snowblower need to be in there together.

And the other silver lining is hearing from old friends that you haven't seen for a while.  Hey Lianne! Thanks for caring.  Miss you!

ride 100 kms

"The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency."---Eugene McCarthy

"If you are going to sin, sin against God, not the bureaucracy. God will forgive you but the bureaucracy won't."---Hyman Rickover

Love
Peter

"Silver Linings"

When I look at this it's hard to find them.

Yes the man came with his big machine and took our mess away,which was of course good.  He bunched the RV into manageable  pieces and rammed it all in one bin, and then he clawed the rest of the crap all up and stuck it in another bin.  It's quite clear That the floor is completely ruined, and according to Rocco the engineer we can salvage the foundation simply by cutting off the top six inches and replacing it.   They are still responsible to remove the bad  concrete, and after that the only remaining decision will be to let the contractor build it, or to do it ourselves.  Money will make that decision, which probably means that we will be doing it.

And I have decided to find at least one silver lining every day for a while and today's is this,
Certainly you can remember listening to me bitch about the shingle on our garage.  I have patched it at lest 6 times.  Jon was gonna come down this weekend to fix it once and for all!

The engineer says the whole top of the garage has to come off!  Trusses, sheeting, siding, and....you got it....the shingles!!!  ha ha   silver lining.  I told jon to stay home and listen to his babes heartbeat!!

And just two more sleeps til Ky and Colb get home, and then all will be well with my world again!

swim 4000 metres, boring but easy

Acceptance of what has happened is the first step to overcoming the consequences of any misfortune."---William James

Love
Peter

"Lots of Ideas"

But no energy to put them on paper.  My mind is still very cluttered.  Somehow I think I'll be able to release some of the demons I invented on Sunday when my grandchildren get home on the weekend, and I can talk to them.

We continue to get the most amazing love coming at us from so many directions.  Each and every message I get makes me feel special, but right at the top of the list are words of support from nieces and nephews.  It just blows me away that they even think about us, let alone offer to come to our house to help out.  Amazing family I have eh?

And amongst the many great friends I have, my buddy Rich is also way up there.  He sent me this today, and I leave it with you as my close.

“This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind…Let it be something good"---anon

Love
Peter

"Coming Down"

Gradually I'm returning to earth.  I spent the entire afternoon with Roo and Michael talking about potential solutions for our Mont Tremblant trip, and it took me to a much better place than I've been in a few days.  We have decided that we are definitely going to the campground again, we just don't know yet what we will stay in when we get there.  We are considering Terry and Karens generous offer of a tent and a Coleman stove, but where will I keep my bike??

The other thing that has helped in the last 2 days, and in a way that people can't possibly understand unless you have been on the receiving end, is the amazing outpouring of love and support we have received.  From a personal perspective all the kind words have helped me move past my feelings of guilt, as crazy as that may seem.  I pride myself on not being a needy emotional person, and yet I freely admit that I "needed" to hear, that I didn't deserve this.

As an update, they have the garage pretty well cleaned up and closed in, and they received the go ahead today to start on the major mess.  That was subject to the investigators report today, and apparently he told them that a) I didn't light the match, and b) they can't find any evidence to try to blame the manufacturer.  They will start on thursday with the RV and the shed.

I also managed to get a little workout in today, but since it's easy week, it was just that.  I did my run/walk thing for 15 kms, but included a bunch of hills.  I felt petty good considering my lack of sleep, and my overall emotional state.

Stay tuned!  Game on!

run/walk 15 kms, 6:25/km

....and this one may take a few of you by surprise but it seems to make sense to me...

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."---Jesus Christ

Love
Peter

"Tired"

I spoke to 6 different insurance/restoration persons today, and have more coming tomorrow.  They're sending  a guy in the morning who is supposed to be able to determine cause and origin.  When I asked them what was the point of that they said something about potential manufacturer liability, but I think the truth of it is that they wanna make sure I didn't throw some gasoline on it, and then drop a match.  Good luck with that if they want to waste their time and money.  Have at her.

Overall the co-operators has I admit been very good so far.  They start cleaning up the garage tomorrow, and after the "cause and origin"guy is done they will work on getting rid of what's left of the RV and the big shed.  I think everything will play out somewhat okay, and of course that's up to me anyway.  If I'm okay with what they wanna give us, then I will be okay!  One thing that's obvious is that it's gonna be a while until we get a new shed.  That doesn't really matter of course cause we got nothing to put in it anyway.  Fuck I'm sad about things like my saws and ladders and such!  And such memories attached to both the RV and the shed. ...boo hoo...

They are also sending someone to sit with me on wednesday morning to try to rebuild my memory of all the stuff that was in the shed and the RV.  This I thought was an excellent feature.  Apparently they have strategies to twig your memory and hopefully we will be able to drag most of it out of my brain.  We shall see.

And what I was not too tired for today was to enjoy the huge tray of wraps and salads that arrived at our house courtesy of an anonymous friend, but via caterer.  I am please to report that Roo, Adrian, Mark, Michael, Miguette and myself all dug in, and will continue to do so for at least another day.  Thank you dear friend....we know who you are!!

But like I said.  Pretty tired so I'll leave it at that.  Actually I will leave you with my most powerful memory of yesterday.  A moment I will never forget as long as I live.  I still get weak when I relive it, and it's a feeling I never want to have again.  It was like this

My granddaughter looking up at me with the tears streaming down her face.....
"Grampa, I don't want the house to burn down"

And there stood the grandfather who she calls her real life superhero, also crying uncontrollably, and powerless to grant her wish....

easy ride, 42 kms

Excessive fear is always powerless."---Aeschylus

Love

Peter