"Gotta Stay Positive!"

It wasn't quite what I hoped for today, but when does life work out just the way you planned?  Despite running out of gas, it somehow seemed like a normal "running out of gas".  If things went well, I was going to try for 27.5 kms, but by 20 I knew it wasn't gonna happen.  I still thought that maybe 25 was in the cards, until I turned into the wind at around 20.  That's when I decided to run a half marathon.  Actually I think I made a rationale decision, as I believe I could have done the 25, but it would have been painful, and probably counter-productive.

And while the pace itself was still slower than in my previous life it wasn't terrible either.

I was still 4 kms away from home when I stopped running, and so I took the time to relax a bit, and also do some testing.  After walking for a km, I started the watch again and ran for one, walked for one, and then ran for another km.  I wanted to see what this kind of half walking (in terms of distance, not time) would do to my pace.  I found that I could keep the run kms close to 5 mins, and the walk kms under 8.  That means that a whole marathon managed that way would amount to a time of approx 4:35.  That's something I'm gonna seriously consider.  As a reference point, my second Ironman run took me 4:22! Hmmmm......

So I'm gonna stay positive, and continue to develop strategies to cope with the new normal.  I still have to work at accepting slower times but that should come gradually.  And yet.....I don't want to start accepting less than I'm capable of.  It's finding that happy medium I guess.

And John, you will see that my heart rate was fine after the first few minutes, and that's without the static guard.  I tried to buy some but they didn't have it at my grocery store.  I'm still gonna try that however, as only time will prove it one way or another.  For the rest of you, John is in favour of a theory that static electricity is what causes the HRM to act up.  It could be.  I've tried every other internet remedy!  We shall see.

And now that it's evening, I'm feeling a bit tight chested, and a bit anxious, but not too bad.  It's really tomorrow morning that will tell me more.  In normal circumstances, an effort like today's should be only a vague memory after a goods night's sleep.  Again.  We shall see.

run 21.1 kms 5:32/km, 3 km run/walk/run 5:53/km

And I really, really like this quote.  I know I say that a lot, but when someone puts just the right words in the right order, it strikes home to me.  After all, that's the trick.  Everyone has access to the same words.  Anyway, I have long believed what this guy has to say, and yet his way of expressing it gives me a "positive" way to think....a positive way to think about my troubles.

"You're going to go through tough times - that's life. But I say, 'Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.' See the positive in negative events."---Joel Osteen

Love
Peter

"A Fine Little Day"

A little sleep in...snow day!
A little bike ride....in the basement!
A little lunch...at Swiss Chalet with my grandchildren.
A little plumbing....at my girlfriends house! (whoa, that sounded bad, lol)
A little supper...well quite a lot actually

And pretty soon I'm gonna have a little sleep.  I feel cautiously optimistic today, and I may just try another longish run tomorrow.  I will play it totally be ear mind you, as both my body and the weather will contribute to the decision.

I also had a little step on the scale today, and it said 172.5 pounds.  Game on!

computrainer 1:45, 1:20 at 150 watts

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference."---Winston Churchill

Love

Peter

"Still Learning"

Probably just things that everyone else already knows, but that's the story of my life.  Regardless, I've been endowed with a bit more wisdom over the last few days, and as is so often the case, the most profound bit came from one of my grandchildren.

Perhaps you're familiar with this little bit of nonsense.

"Mairzy doats, and dozy doats, and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?"

Certainly I can't remember how far back it was that I first heard it, but it was many, many, moons ago.  I thought it was just a bit of silliness, but sure enough my Kylie knew the real words.

"Mares eat oats, and does eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy.
A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you?"

I suppose spelled that way it's still just a bit of silliness, but I feel magically enlightened regardless!

And the other kind of useful thing came from my Deepak Chopra reading.  He has made me reconsider the wisdom of my plan to live to a predetermined age.  You see I have always believed that one must be acutely aware of ones mortality, and have thereby adopted the idea that selecting a reasonable date to pack it in would make for a graceful aging period.

But it's a catch 22, and it was Deepak that made me realize it.

You see I also believe believe that it's critical to ones physical health to maintain a good mental attitude.  And while occasionally I need to be reminded to keep my attitude positive, generally I do pretty well.

But there-in lies the contradiction.  Deciding that my body is gonna totally give up the ghost in 20 years or less, is hardly a positive attitude.  And while there's pretty good evidence that it's inevitable at some point, what good am I doing by actually placing a maximum time frame on it?

So it occurs to me that despite my best intentions to be totally realistic about my physical limits, it might have the exact effect I'm suggesting....limits!  If I have decided to die by the time I'm eighty, then I might as well start the process now.  I can start with insomnia, incontinence, heart troubles, arthritis, etc, etc!

If on the other hand I'm gonna live forever, I could start by buying a new bicycle!!

The choice seems obvious!!!

Of course there is one little problem.  I only have enough money to live til I'm eighty!  Less, if  I buy a new bike.  I guess someone's gonna be going back to work....Roo?

It was another okay kind of day on the training front.  I "positive thought" myself through a 7.5 km run, and then had a decent swim afterwards.  Usually I do this the other way around, but I may try this again as it worked out okay.  Tomorrow is indoor bike day, and even the weatherman thinks that's good timing!

And an especially huge, and extremely loud shout-out today to my friend Gail.  University professor extraordinaire, and beloved mentor of my son Michael, this strong willed woman just arrived home from a 4 month hospital stay!!!  I once made her an honorary sister on account of, "she's as stubborn as the rest of them!"  Welcome home Gail!!

run 7.5kms, swim 1250 metres

....and somehow this is the right quote for today....

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."---Gandhi

Love
Peter

"Stay Positive John Says'

That's what I'm gonna do.  I'm so grateful that I don't have a job however, because that gives me lots of time to stay positive....and to lay around and recuperate from workouts that seem twice as hard as they should.  I definitely need to appreciate the fact that I can go have a nap after I've taken on a bit much.  Today was one such day.

One of the most important things I need to stay upbeat about is my eating habits, and consequently my weight.  I have decided to steal one of Elly's strategies and start posting a weekly weigh in.  I need to get back to 160 pounds in the next 4 months.  I also talked to Elly about strategies around public goal setting, and it's clear that this is different for everyone.  I know that it has worked for me in the past, and so I look forward to the challenge.  I will start next week.

Another positive move for me will be to order a new tri suit for the season.  Last years is still totally serviceable, but that would be like wearing the same dress to two weddings in a row!  It just can't be done!  The real optimistic part about it however is that I will order one size smaller than usual!!  I would have it on the way already, but it appears that they are temporarily out of stock.

As to my basement ride today it felt okay, strictly from the feedback of heart and lungs and muscles.  It made them all tired, and that's what's supposed to happen.  The faintness and dizziness afterwards is what's not supposed to happen, and which is still gonna need some positive thinking to master :)

As to the cardiologist Elly, it's pretty clear that I'm not a priority.  If I had eaten too many Mcdonalds french fries, instead of ran too many miles, I'm sure I could get to the front of the line.  Alas, there ain't anything seriously wrong with me that can't be cured with a little less of what I do.  I'm the only problem, and unfortunately society sees quitting running to be a more normal, and much easier response, than giving up smoking or french fries. After all, running hurts, while smoking and eating feel good.

Oh well....I still wouldn't trade.  If I fall flat on the pavement, stone cold dead while out running tomorrow, I still wouldn't trade.  Just thinking about running again tomorrow gets me excited!!  I've decided it's gonna be good!!

And my social commentary today concerns our neighbours to the south and their fascination with strapping people down and injecting them with lethal drugs.  You would think they may have gotten the message when the people who make the drugs refused to give them any more, but that has only slowed them down temporarily.  Anyway, as much as the whole idea of capital punishment makes me feel ill, I wanted to draw your particular attention to a related story.  What goes through your head when you read "Man dies after botched execution"???  I say what's the fucking problem?  If you're gonna kill, then kill! Just throw that commandment out the fucking window and kill!!  Shoot em, electrocute em, poison them, but just kill them!  I don't want to hear anymore about cruel and unusual punishment.  Jut kill!!   After all, if that don't prove that God is utterly indifferent, I don't know what does.  Phew.....I feel a little like Arlo Guthrie!

computrainer 1:45, 1:20 at 161 watts

"Positive anything is better than negative nothing."---Elbert Hubbard

Love

Peter

"This Is Priceless"

Well at least to me.  I just finished a book by Kurt Vonnegut called The Sirens of Titan.  It' a science fiction/fantasy/dark humour/satire kind of thing about the human condition.  The prevalent religious institution of the time is called, The Church of God the Utterly Indifferent!!  Their motto, if one could call it that, is, "take care of the people, and God Almighty will take care of himself".

I was so taken by the name and the doctrine of this fictional church that I'm seriously considering becoming a follower.  Perhaps I've told you that Roo and I have both been long term faithful members of The Church of the Great Outdoors (actually the only members), and while I still really like what they preach, there is something just too attractive about the "Indifferent".

And the timing for this newly discovered cult couldn't be better for me.  You see the idea of God not giving a shit about me spares me from a whole bunch of useless indignation right about now.  If I thought that God cared, I would probably be real pissed at him/her/it right now!

As it is I'm still very frustrated about the lack of control I feel, but I ain't blaming anyone, least of all God.  And not blaming anyone leaves open the possibility of either regaining the control, or better yet, just coming to terms with the whole thing.

I knew yesterday already that I was nearing another breaking point, and that point was punctuated today.  My swim was okay, but my run didn't go anywhere.  As much as I try to stay positive, it's pretty fucking discouraging!!!  I still feel very poorly this evening.

But...believe it or not, I consider myself the eternal optimist.  I think I qualify by the very fact that I'm going back to Mont Tremblant, one more time!!

Tomorrow's another day.

And lastly, I'm sorry if anyone doesn't like my cynical views on god and religion.  Actually, that's not quite right.  Better said, that I used to be sorry.   Now I'm just indifferent!

swim 1200 metres, run/walk 7.3 kms

"The purpose of human life, no matter who is controlling it, is to love whoever is around to be loved"---Kurt Vonnegut-The Sirens of Titan

"The universe is monstrously indifferent to the presence of man."---Werner Herzog

"In the long run, you make your own luck - good, bad, or indifferent."---Loretta Lynn

Love

Peter

"Proud Of My Patience"

Based on the way I felt yesterday I had little confidence in my long run today.  Yesterday I tried to jog home from the car dealership after taking Mig's car in, and I couldn't run for more than a minute.  It turned into a 6 km walk/jog which was fine, except it didn't bode well for 25 kms today.

But....I headed out determined to go as slow as necessary, and as far as possible.  I even kept my pace and heart rate visible, because I wanted to see what would happen if I truly listened to my body.

While I was indeed extremely slow to start out, my heart rate stayed pretty much in control, and I managed to gradually but inexorably increase the pace for the entire run.  I was looking forward to looking at the numbers because I think I was at least 5 minutes faster in the second half.

Alas....somewhere between my watch and the internet my numbers disappeared!  Damn!

Regardless I was very proud of my patience throughout, and while no world records were set, I did what I had to do!

run 25 kms, 5:31/km

"The key to everything is patience. You get the chicken by hatching the egg, not by smashing it."---Arnold H Glasow

Love

Peter

"That Wasn't The Plan"

And it probably wasn't the smartest thing either, but I have no regrets.  The promise of course was an easy swim, followed by an easy run, and while I did follow up on the swim part, I went a little bit overboard on my run.  Not that I didn't go easy, but I did go quite a bit further than I planned.  I was considering 7-10 kms but unfortunately nature intervened.  You see it was the most glorious afternoon!  Four degrees below zero, strikingly blue skies with narry a cloud,  and just enough of a NW wind to keep me honest.  I simply could not stop,

And while I felt kind of crappy in the late afternoon, I'm doing okay now.

Tomorrow I'm gonna take it easy!

I usually find those promises easier to keep the day before a long run, and I intend on trying for 25 on Saturday.  It's gonna be interesting to see if I have the necessary resolve.

In the pool I'm adding 50 metres every time out and so far it all feels good.  My hope is to continue to swim at the same pace while gradually increasing the distance.  I'm pretty confident based on how it's going so far.  It feels effortless.

swim 1150 metres 2:10/100m, run 15 kms 5:38/km

Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth."---Mike Tyson

Love

Peter

"Paying The Price"

Felt crappy all day and I know yesterdays run is responsible.  Or should I say yesterdays run was irresponsible?  Either way....still feel like crap!

I should have rested today but I insisted on getting on my bike for a while.  I took it fairly easy however, and don't think I did any further damage.  Tomorrow is an easy swim, and an easy run....I promise!

bike 105 mins, 75 mins @ 152

"Age is a very high price to pay for maturity."---Tom Stoppard

Love
Peter

"Getting Greedy"

After my swim this morning I came back home and found out that John had run 15 kms before work.  That inspired me to try to do the same.  And that would probably have been fine if I had also stuck to my recent resolve to listen to my body, but I got a bit greedy.  Despite not following my pace on the watch I knew right away that I was going a little faster than I have done recently.

Oh well.  It just meant that I was walking by 13, and then had to do a run/walk for 3 kms to get back home.  And while I was indeed out of gas, the 13 kms went fairly well.  Actually I think I could have kept going, but I'm also pretty sure it was the right decision to walk.

And my swim felt fairly good as well.  Although I'm not any faster than I was leading up to my last race, I'm also not any slower.  I'm at peace with my plan to swim only twice a week for the duration.  That would be a couple of times per week, as opposed to a few.

Which of course begs the question, what's the difference?  This was my Dad's definition.  A couple is always two!  A few is anywhere between three and seventy five.

I knew that my Doctor was lying to me when he said the cardiologist referral would just be a couple of weeks!  Seven is somewhere between 3 and 75, thereby making it a few weeks!  But I ain't complaining.  I live in a world where in less than 2 months I can get an appointment with a heart specialist 10 minutes from my home, and the cost of that appointment is totally covered by the taxes I pay.  Or should I say, since I'm unemployed, by the taxes you pay!  Thank you!

swim 1100 metres, run 13 kms, jog/walk 3 kms

....and this one is cool, as well as prefect for today's post...

"Greed is not a financial issue. It's a heart issue."---Andy Stanley

Love
Peter

"First Things First"

There's nothing to make you feel old quicker than another birthday!  Well unless it's the birthday of one of your children, and being around that child makes you fell younger all by itself.

I can't believe he's 28, but I've done the math and it works out.  We of course went to his favourite restaurant, (and mine) for a little celebration, and he tells me that it's the 4th year in a row that we've done so.  He also tells me that he still has all 4 of the little keepsake photos that they give you.

Here's this years.

Michael has such enthusiasm for life, and while that in itself rubs off on me, he also constantly reminds me that he doesn't know many people who can run 22 kms on any given day, let alone people nearing 60 years of age.  His pride in me reminds me to be grateful for the health I have.

But I think the thing that I cherish most about Michael is that in many ways his perspective on the world is different than mine.  Rather however than being a detriment to a strong relationship, those differences are often the catalyst that brings us together.  I take pride in the fact that he has the courage to speak his mind on issues that he considers important, and that has led to regular provocative discussions between us.  Discussions that I at least learn from. Like with all my children, my relationship with Michael is unique, and for that I am immensely grateful.  Happy birthday son!!

And whether it's the birthday dinner with Michael last night, or the subsequent good sleep, or the fact that my workout went well today, I don't really care, because right now I feel pretty good!

I started reading a new book by a guy named Deepak Chopra, a fairly well known author, speaker, and alternative medicine advocate, if a somewhat controversial individual.  I generally avoid reading stuff from "serial" authors like this guy, because I find that although they may have had one bright idea when they wrote their first book, that everything after that is just fill. and intended exclusively to make money.  Never the less I was intrigued by the title; Ageless Body, Ageless Mind, as it seemed fitting for me at this point in my journey of life.  I will keep you posted as I work through it, but what intrigues me so far is his philosophies on the power of the mind/body connection, and the consequential effects on ageing of this undeniable relationship.

It's an area I need to explore because I find myself in a constant struggle between my philosopher self, and my scientist self.  Rather than being a complimentary struggle as it should be, (like my discussions with Michael)  I think this battle tends to limit my potential.  I swing back and forth between trying to "feel" better, and trying to "make" myself better, where as the answer lies somewhere in between.....I think.....

basement ride 100 mins, 75 mins @ 165 

"We must go beyond the constant clamor of ego, beyond the tools of logic and reason, to the still, calm place within us: the realm of the soul."---Deepah Chopra

Love

Peter

"Slow Down!"

That's easy to say, but not so easy to do, for someone with an ego problem.  And while ego in itself isn't an issue, since it simply means "sense of self", it can still become a problem when you spend too much time thinking of self.  I'm still feeling a wee bit guilty for feigning ignorance today when a motorist slowed down to ask me a question, presumably how to get somewhere.  You see I was only thinking of the 8 kms I still had to go, instead of thinking about the opportunity to help someone out.  I'm afraid that both of my parents would have frowned on me a bit today.  I promise to do better next time Mom and Dad!

And that very same ego is what causes my training frustrations.  You see, I'm pretty damn sure that whatever medical condition I may or may not have is not serious enough to keep me from working out regularly, or for that matter from doing another Ironman.  Sad to say, my sense of self somehow demands a time standard!  And when any individual training workout doesn't seem to meet that standard, then unhappiness sets in.

And what really pisses me off is the fact that I know the facts.  If I continue to focus on self accomplishment, instead of just taking it as it comes and focusing on the world around me, than I will continue to be frustrated.

What encourages me however is that I also know the fact that all things are hard before they are easy. If I truly intend on slowing down and appreciating the scenery, then it will take some time, and it will take some practice.  Rome wasn't built in a day, nor will my large ego be dismantled in one!  One step at a time.

I'm pretty sure that I've taken a small step in the right direction by avoiding the real time feedback my super watch gives me, most notably speed and heart rate.  I had previously noticed in the pool how much more relaxed I am when I don't watch the clock, and the same seems to be true for running.  Mind you I still capture all the data and look at it later, but during the workout I can hide it from my prying eyes.

So that's it for today.  I had a very satisfying 22.5 km run, and although I don't have the proof, and although it was slow over all, I know that I was faster in the second half.  More importantly I was faster than John!!!

Whoops.......how embarrassing!!

And since my co-grampa has added his voice to sister Elly's about the CPAP thing. I guess I'm gonna have to look into it.  Thanks Aurel!

And for my social commentary for today I wish to reference an article I read on an internet news site. The article itself is irrelevant, but a certain choice of word within it were not.  I have always been amazed how skilled writers can put words together in ways so remarkable that they can actually stimulate a feeling.  Today, my hat goes off to whoever the person was that first coined the expression "war crimes"!   War crimes!!!!!!!  WTF? The feeling it elicited in me today was horror.  What the fuck is a war crime??  Is it when you blow up a mans neighbourhood without sending him an e-mail first, or butcher his children without checking his religion, or maybe it's when you wipe him off the face of the earth without first getting the proper approvals from church and state?  I shudder!

But just as I finished up my rant I figured it out.  The very best way to avoid committing a war crime?  Wait for it, cause this is priceless!

Just call it a "HOLY WAR"!!  Eureka!!

22.5 kms, 5:36/km

"Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'."---Friedrich Nietzsche

"I own and operate a big ego"---Bill Moyers

Love

Oeter

"Much Ado About Nothing"

This is probably good news although I didn't think so at first.  No atrial fibrillation, which was my fear.  I guess I was hoping for some excuse, and certainly they didn't find much with the 72 hour monitor.  In the interest of full disclosure here's the report.  There were a few interesting comments, the most notable being that I am suddenly 63 years old instead of 59.  I also found it interesting that my heart rate goes as low as 38 BPM, presumably when I'm sleeping, and that on at least one occasion it paused for 2.8 seconds!

Other than that there were a few vague references in the comments section to arrhythmia and unspecified pauses, which he didn't seem to find very worrisome.  He admitted however that he was not an expert, and that he would feel better if I at least seen a cardiologist.  That's the next step, and who knows how freakin long that may take!

Meanwhile I need to continue to work on my attitude.  Quite frankly today's sense of disappointment proved that I haven't made much progress.  I need to adjust my life so that my training is not so important.  I just don't want to!  I'm afraid to!

Mean while I worked out hard again today and am feeling it right now.  I was planning on swimming after the doctors appt. only to remember when I got to a pool full of screaming kids that today is a PD day.  Damn!  I just couldn't cope!  I went home and rode my bike.

And now I gotta go because I got 4 birthdays to celebrate...60 through 63!

computrainer 90 mins, 70 mins at 157 watts

"Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones."--Thich Nhat Hanh

Love

Peter

"Is It February Yet?"

It's important that February gets here because once it is, then March will be right behind.  And March is important because that's when I'm gonna start riding outside come hell or high water!  I don't know why it seems like I can ride without problems while running remains an adventure, and yet that's the way it seems to be.

Can you tell I'm just a wee bit discouraged today.  I had an appointment in London this morning so I had to miss my planned swim, and so my workout for the day was gonna be an easy run only.  I didn't get out there until nearly 2 pm, and I never made it to the end of the driveway before I considered heading back in.

I have continued to avoid checking any data including heart rate while I run, and yet I knew right away that it wasn't right.  However after a 10 second walk I decided to give it a go and managed a somewhat unpleasant run around the block.

I was interested to see what the data would show once I downloaded it, and sure enough my heart rate was erratic right from the start.  It settled down after about 10 minutes but it seems like the damage is already done by then.  Like I said, it was a struggle to finish, and now at 10 pm I feel crappy!  frustrating!  Aaaarrrrhhhh......

Oh well.

Basement bike tomorrow, and then I'm gonna try another long run on saturday.....I'm hoping...

And totally off topic, in the "you've got to be fucking kidding me" category, I learned today who owns the Future Shop chain of technology stores.  Maybe it won't shock you, but it sure did me!  Best Buy!!!

run 7.6 kms, 5:30/km

....and this is a very smart quote...

"To live for results would be to sentence myself to continuous frustration. My only sure reward is in my actions and not from them."---Hugh Prather

Love
Peter

"Blue Skies, Dry Pavement, and Birthday Girls"

I can't imagine what else a man might wish for upon waking?  Other I suppose than a temperature somewhat over minus 20!

But when I looked out the window to check the flag I could see that the wind wasn't too bad, and while cold is still cold, it's much easier to deal with if there's no wind.  Never the less I decided to procrastinate just a bit, as the temp gauge still said minus 22 at 9:00!

So I did what I should have done every day for the last several weeks, and headed to the pool.  I am pleased to tell you that it was not near as painful as I anticipated, and in actual fact went quite well.  The good thing about swimming is that my heart rate is much lower than in the other disciplines, although I couldn't actually tell you by how much.  It just felt good to get in the water and relax a bit. In the end I swam 1000 metres non-stop, the best part being that I now feel motivated to go back.  For the next couple of months I just want to get there twice a week and gradually build my distance to 2000 metres.  I used my cheater pants, and have made the decision that I will continue to do so.  Why suffer unnecessarily.

By the time I got back the temp was up to minus 18 so I headed out for my run.  While I was a bit tired near the end it just felt so incredibly good to run in the sunshine.  Nothing could have stopped me from getting out there today.

And the rest of the day was about my 9 year old miracle!!

We played hockey, we ate cake and, we had presents!  Now I'm tired.  Life is good!

swim 1000m, run 10.6 kms

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you.---Walt Whitman

Love
Peter

"Looking Forward"

The only problem with today is that it's not tomorrow.  Other than that it was fine, if perhaps a bit boring.  Of course it started out by waking from another vivid dream, about triathlon again, the big difference being that this time it somehow included Sally.  Strange but true.  And although it was good to see her, it was also a bit sad.  I do hope she comes back another time.

And I spent most of my day doing dick all. I did have a decent bike ride, putting in a significantly better effort than Odd John.  What I liked most about my effort was that I managed to keep my heart rate up the whole ride.  When I'm over-tired this is very hard for me to do on the bike. I consider that a positive sign. 

I also cleaned the driveways, and then did a bit of shopping, which brings me to part one of why I'm so looking forward to tomorrow.  Although I sometimes forget it, I have many things to be grateful for, but not many things that classify as miracles.  Tomorrow one of them turns 9 years old!!

And why do I single Ky out as one of the few miracles in my life?   Well you may not know that until the moment she was born, Kylie was supposed to be a boy.  I like all the boys I got, whether children or grandchildren, but our little girl is somehow special to me.  She's one of a kind....  in more ways than one!!

Part two of the significance of tomorrow is that it's gonna be colder than hell.  They say minus 20, with a wind chill of minus 30.   But the sun is supposed to shine, and the winds are supposed to be moderate.  A perfect day for running!!  I can't wait, but I may anyway...until it warms up to minus 18 or so!

And I have to explain the shot I took at Happy Odd John.  I'm sure I told you that he is training for the same Ironman as me, and so we now have another special reason to stay in touch other than the fact that I love him like a brother....oh wait....he is my brother!!  Anyway, we recently started sharing our workouts on a website called Garmin Connect.  We can see all the other guys data, including time, pace, distance. heart rate, etc.  There's even an interactive map showing exactly where we ran/rode.   Very, very, cool, or as John would say. "Groovy".  And actually I've been using the site for years, but John just figured it out recently.  I don't think he's too computer literate?

And Elly my nose is not big enough to need it's own pillow!  My ears perhaps, but they can share the one with my head.  And do you think it would work....the challenge is to hydrate my mouth?

computrainer 90 mins, 70 mins @ 170

"A new chapter has begun. In time, it will get easier. For now we go through the motions of grief. Life moves on. Tomorrow is a new day."---Katherine (Sally) Steel

Be not afraid!

Love

Peter

"Beyond Bizzare"

You probably won't find this as earth shaking as I do, and indeed it may well be much ado about nothing.

But I find it very intriguing.  For several months now my resting heart rate has been at or around 60 bpm.  It has taken me all of those months to adjust to this number. I always took such pride in a lower rate, as I considered it evidence of my fitness. Historically for me, was high 40's, low 50's.

But....over time I have come to terms with the new normal.

Imagine my surprise this morning to wake up to my lazy old rate!  I call it lazy because it just plugs along, although somewhat sluggishly.  One beat a little faster, than one a little slower, but consistently under 50 bpm.  I am specially surprised because I would have expected the opposite after a long run in the cold!

And while I do find it very strange, I don't give it any special meaning.  Like Mike said when I told him, what does one day mean?

And if the fact that I don't have anything to talk about other than my heart rate doesn't tell you what a boring life I lead, then I don't know what will!

And despite my suddenly decreased heart rate I've resisted the urge to go do a monster workout today.  I've experienced enough to know that I'm a bit tired.  No workout at all today.

But I'm gonna kick ass tomorrow!!

And yes I have tried the CPAP thing in the past Elly, but found that wearing the mask was worse than the problem.  Regardless, perhaps I need to revisit it.  I will at least talk to the doctor next time I see him.  I'm wondering if there's a way to trial for a week or so before I fork out any money?

"Dear heart, please stop getting involved in everything.  Your job is to pump blood, that's it!"---Anon

....and this one cause I liked it a lot....

"Everything you want is on the other side of fear"---Jack Canfield

Love
Peter

"Everything is Relative"

I started out the day feeling relatively well rested  Strange as it may seem that usually means I woke up a lot. If I wake up lots, my throat gets hydrated lots, and as a result spend less time in an oxygen deprived state.  I also think it's more than just coincidence that when I wake up more, I dream less. John offered the idea based on his own experience, that the dreams are actually trying to wake me up.   In in answer to your question Mike, I think that yes, every practical option to the saliva problem has been considered.  

Anyway, on with my day and my run.  A year ago I would have been unhappy.  As a matter of fact I went back to last January and found a 20 km run, also in cold weather.  That day I was also slow, and yet it was 20 secs/km faster than I was today.

But....

Everything is relative, and today I'm pretty happy with my effort, and more importantly happy with the way I feel now.  I ran the whole thing, compared to my last effort where I did the 4/1 walk/run thing, and yet I feel a whole lot better.

Even though I wore my HRM I avoided the screen that showed me pace and heart rate, and only allowed myself to look at distance.  I had to be very careful where I went because it was extremely cold, and the wind was ugly again.  Since I didn't know what was gonna happen I needed to make sure I didn't get too far from home.  That was further complicated by the need to find decent traction, and the catch 22 was that the rural roads were far and away better.  In town there was not a bare spot to be found, while in the country I could usually find a bit of dry pavement, or a bit of gravel.  Of course traction came with wind!

But like I said.  If this is the new normal, I'm okay with it.  And it's pretty cool not knowing how fast you're going until you're all done....just like the old days!

As to my heart rate, it was weirder than ever.  It started out crazy for the first few minutes, then levelled right out for the next 50 mins, and then went crazy again.  What it all means I'm not sure, and I'm trying not to care.  Today at least proves to me that I need to focus more on how I feel, than what the data shows.  I think I would have quit at 50 minutes if I seen what the HRM was telling me!

Life is good!

run 20kms, 5:37/km

...and here's why the doctors only think they know about my health, and the scientists only think they know about global warming...

"Your knowledge of what is going on can only be superficial and relative."---William S Burroughs

Love
Peter

"TGIF"

My resolve to take it as it comes tends to go up and down.  I suppose that's the human condition to some degree, but I still need to battle it.  Today I feel like crap and it's hard to accept.  The way I feel now, and often for that matter, reminds me of the day after a bad drunk when I was younger.  Foggy and listless and polluted.  I do believe that part of my problem is poor sleeping but I don't know anyway around that.  The significance of the saliva problem is probably hard for someone to understand. I think my wife is the only one that truly gets the scope of it's impact, and that because she sees what I go through on a daily (nightly) basis.  Believe me that she suffers right along with me since our nights are a constant struggle to sees who sleeps less.  When I sleep it is in variably with so much restlessness that it keeps her up, and when I don't sleep, I don't sleep.  I'm grateful of course that I have the option of taking naps to make up a bit, but I inevitably feel worse afterwards.  I'm not sure why.

But.....

tomorrow's another day.

Hopefully I will sleep well tonite, as last night was once again filled with bizarre dreams, and again filled with former work associates.  Why in the name of god would I possibly dream about quitting my job at Magna to go work for a lawn care company that I barely knew more than 35 years ago, and do so for one quarter of the wages?  And although I have no recollection what so ever of Ray Hallman the man, and I haven't thought of him or his company once over the last 35 years, when I woke up this morning I suddenly seemed to know that Ray Hallman Lawn Care rented space from my employer of the time, none other than Roycol Machinery!! And once I did quit a highly paid job to go push a lawn mower for Ray I soon discovered that the company was being put out of business by Magna!!  It's insane!!  And while the answer may indeed be simple John, not for a second can I just chalk it up to boredom.

The best way to deal with all this shit is of course a nice long run but that doesn't look like it's in the cards for tomorrow.  We're gonna keep getting winter it seems like, and while I can deal with cold, snow, wind, and lack of traction, I can't deal with them all at once.  We shall see.  I'm gonna try something!

And that's it!

Computrainer 80 mins, 60 mins at 162

"Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties."---Helen Keller

Love
Peter

"Due Consideration"

While I think I would keep trying to journal even if no one else ever read it, I admit that it's nice to get a bit of feedback now and again.  Please know that I treasure and consider every comment I ever get, even if I don't always respond directly.  Actually it occurs to me that perhaps I should at least acknowledge them in the future.  I'll try.

I was particularly delighted to find that I have at least 3 readers based on yesterday's comments, so here's my reaction.

Roo, I can always depend on you.  I love it when I hear you laugh from the other room.  I know the old expression is, where there is love, there is life, but how about, where there is laughter there is love?

John, while I suspect that there is an element of truth to your bored theory, I think that's too simple an explanation.  The recurring negative element of my work dreams implies something a little more sinister.  Regardless, I think that finding new challenges for my brain may still bring a healing element.  Thanks for your advice.

And Elly, both of your points hit home to me as well.  Certainly it's a "man" problem.  I think women in general move into retirement more peacefully, once again proving their superiority.  But I really loved your idea of thinking about my work as providing me with the opportunity to now do more important things.  I can think of several aspects of my current life that I wouldn't be able to experience if I was still working.  Not the least of those is the incredibly rewarding, and perhaps more importantly, the incredibly essential job of male role model in my grandchildren's life.  Wow!  Not to blow my own horn, but I know I provide a steadying influence that due to circumstances wouldn't otherwise be there.

And lastly Michael, thanks for caring as always.  I know that you have at least one dear friend who is  a lifelong leafs fan, and as such no one understands better the pain that goes along with that curse.  From now on, every time I'm out running and think I'm about to die from my problems, I'm gonna try to remember that there are people worse off then me  :)

And while it certainly wasn't normal by any means, I had a wonderfully refreshing run in the bitter cold today.  Despite a wind chill of minus 25 the sun was actually shining, and despite a wee bit of doubt about half way through, I managed to get around the block.  Assuming that you are dressed properly, and that you can get decent traction there is something kind of otherworldly about running in the cold, even against the wind.  I almost get high!

And upon returning the Holtor monitor to the hospital today I resolved to stop asking questions, and I am going to try very hard from here on in to just accept things as they come.  I think it is important that I get this Ironman under my belt, but I don't necessarily think it's important how fast I do it.  I'm confident that as long as I manage my expectations, both in training, and on race day, I will make it 

so.

And it's good to see that STEGH takes patient confidentiality seriously.  When I returned my monitor today it included all my health card information, as well as my heart rhythm for the last 72 hours.  Good to see the drop box securely locked.

......what is wrong with this picture????

Idiots!!

run 7.6 kms, 5:27/km

No one wants advice - only corroboration."---John Steinbeck

Love
Peter

"To Laugh Or To Cry?"

It's gone beyond ludicrous.  I clearly have some deep rooted unresolved issues, and it's also clear that it's all about being an old, useless, retired grampa!

If there were any doubts, last night's dreams put them to rest.

The fact that I recently watched The Hunt For Red October would explain why in my sleep I was driving a huge nuclear submarine, but it would not explain why I was driving it on behalf of my former employer.  And not at the corporate level either where I spent the last 9 years of my career, but rather at the plant where I spent the first 17. 

I clearly remember feeling very good about myself, because in no time flat I had evaded two enemy submarines, and successfully completed my mission.  I also remember that I accomplished all this single-handedly!!  There was no one else on the sub!

I was a hero!

If only I had woken up then!  Once I reported in, I thought I could go home for the rest of the day, only to find that my work day had just begun.

Despite my heroism I was politely informed that before I could go home I needed to "grease" my sub!  And while that may not seem too much to ask, when I say grease, I don't mean pump a few squirts into each of the bearings.  I mean that I needed to coat the entire sub inside and out with a layer of grease!!  Something to do with protecting it from the salt water it had been exposed to.

And while one may be able to envision this task in various ways, trust me that in my dream it was a dirty, smelly task, not to mention a gargantuan one.  Pretty humiliating for a guy who had just saved the world.

I think the final insult however came when I was told that I had a helper. And not just any helper, but another former General Manager.  And not just any former General Manager, but one that was twice removed from the role, and one that ranked up there amongst the most incompetent leaders I met in all my years with Magna. 

I was in select company!!

....to laugh or to cry?.....

I guess the good news is that the first step in fixing a problem is identifying it.  And while I know that this getting old and feeling useless isn't the sole cause of any stress in my life, with each passing stupid dream I'm starting to believe it's the major one.

I probably need a plan....ya think?

And the weather decided my workout today.  I'm not sure what it was like in your part of the world, but in St Thomas it was just plain ugly.  Minus 15 and constantly snowing.  Running would have been dangerous, swimming was out because of the monitor, and I didn't wish to ride 2 days in a row.  It's too bad, because I would have preferred to make one more serious attempt while still wearing the monitor, but such is life.  

Speaking of which, tomorrow morning I get to take the thing off. and then hopefully in a week or so I'll get some feedback.  

And that's it!  What should I dream about tonite?  Probably it will be something good, because after all, the only way it could get worse would be to fall asleep and imagine myself a Leafs fan!!!!

....and I hope that gets a laugh out of my wife.  See quote below....

"If you can make a girl laugh, you can make her do anything.'---Marilyn Monroe

...and I like this one...

"When you were born, you cried and everybody else was happy. The only question that matters is this - when you die, will you be happy when everybody else is crying?"---Tony Campolo

Love

Peter

"The Days Are Getting Longer"

I know.  It's hard to believe, and while I haven't personally verified it, I admit that unlike the global warning bullshit (I'll get shit from Michael for that one), I believe the scientists when they tell me that the shortest day of the year in the northern hemisphere is Dec 21.

I also know it may be a bit premature, but I'm feeling spring in the air.  I can feel it so strongly I can taste it. I believe it's gonna come very early this year, and even if it doesn't end up so, I'm gonna make it an early spring in my mind.

With each and every passing day the urge to go and ride my bike outside grows in intensity.  Normally I can conquer these feelings through my runs, most particularly long ones.  With the current situation, that just ain't cutting it.

I had what felt like a decent ride in the basement today, and yet the standard seems to keep dropping. I never ride for more than an hour at intensity, and that feels like enough.  I think once outside I will care less about the intensity, and just be able to enjoy.

And after all, that's what it's all about eh?

computrainer 90 mins, 60 mins at 171 watts

"For the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: 'If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?' And whenever the answer has been 'No' for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something."---Steve Jobs

... this Jobs' quote kinda hit me.  Not in the literal sense of what I think he intended, but rather the hidden message that I don't think he even got.  My question to Jobs if he were alive would be, "How many days in a row is too many?"  How might his quote have changed if it was his very last day?

It's too late to change much today, but I promise that tomorrow I'm gonna do what I want to do!!

Love
Peter

"Wired!"

I went to the hospital this morning and got hooked up!

I've anticipated this machine for a month now, in the hope that it would give me some answers.

The doctor warned me that it was a bit of a "fishing trip", but that I should wear it for 3 days through all my normal activity, and that perhaps we would learn something.

Well the technician made short work of that by warning me that I couldn't shower and furthermore I was to avoid sweating!!! wtf??

I explained to her that the whole exercise (pun intended)would be pointless if I couldn't wear it while working out, and to her credit she was very supportive.

In the end she sent me home with instructions, and with all kinds of extra supplies in case any of the leads came unglued.  It's just as well, other wise I was gonna come unglued.

I headed back home and tried to have a nap to make up for another night of dreaming and/or lying awake, but to no avail.  I was also kinda hoping to get a break in the weather before my run but it soon became apparent that it wasn't gonna happen.  Besides, the nap didn't work out either.  Tonite I'm gonna take a happy pill.  

So I put on two of everything and headed down to the hospital again, this time the old one up the road where I can get a bit of a break from the wind.  I didn't know what I was most afraid of, either that I would feel great and I wouldn't have a chance to learn anything from the monitor, or that I would feel crappy and just be further discouraged. 

And the answer to the question?

I was actually surprised because I thought I was gonna feel pretty decent.  And indeed I did for the first 15 minutes.  Ten minutes later it was all over!  If the monitor doesn't show anything as a result of that then I quit, because there is a clear and drastic change that happens in that 10 minutes. 

We shall see.  The only thing I'm pretty sure of is that after this I'm gonna stop trying to figure it out, and start figuring out how to deal with it.  That may be the only option I have anyway, because there is no guarantee that there's any kind of treatment for whatever it is.  Like all things....time will tell. 

5 km run

"God hangs the greatest weights upon the smallest wires"---Francis Bacon

Love
Peter

"Analysis Paralysis"

Although I never started out that way, during my working life I eventually learned to make decisions using data.  One of my favourite expressions was, without data, yours is just another opinion. That being said I encountered lots of people who couldn't make a decision for the life of them without just one more critical piece of information....analysis, paralysis!!

The funny thing is that any initial success I had both technically, and as a manager, was due almost strictly to using my gut instinct.  On top of that I have met people who seemed to achieve success while relying totally on doing what felt right.

I think there is a time and place for both approaches.  

Certainly when you have lots of time, and the subject is well known, than managing with data makes sense.

But, when you're about to turn sixty(time limited) and the subject is your physical health (doctors only know what they think they know), then maybe a little less science is in order.

I considered this when I went out on my run today.  I got all geared up, and was looking forward to getting out there despite the weather.  Then I strapped on my watch.  The watch that tells me my time, my distance, my pace, my heart rate, etc.  I suddenly felt stressed!

But I headed outside to exactly what the weatherman promised.  Freezing rain!  

Before I go to the end of the driveway I decided that the only consideration today was gonna be not getting killed out there! Towards that end I decided to start my watch, but also decided that I wasn't gonna look at it the whole way!  I was just going to run for the joy of it, or perhaps walk for the joy of it, but I was not going to let the data tell me how to feel.  Besides, it was quite enough of an adventure watching where I was stepping, without trying to look at my watch.  

And while I know that by itself it doesn't mean anything (need more date, lol) I really enjoyed my 10 kms.  Of course the weather helped, since bizarre as it may seem, I love running when it's raining and the temp is around freezing.  Of course I don't like the ice, but I find the rest of it exhilarating.  Makes me feel so alive!

So I think it makes sense to stay off the data for a while, or at least while running.  I think I still need it as a motivator when I ride in the basement.  Coincidentally I seem to be having a problem downloading my stuff to the computer so I can't even review it in any detail.  Maybe I just won't worry about fixing that too quickly.

easy run 10 kms

"Data is not information, information is not knowledge, knowledge is not understanding, understanding is not wisdom."---Clifford Stoll

Love

Peter

"January 2nd Resolution"

Losing weight, or at least adhering to a diet must be number one on the list of New Years resolutions. It's probably also number one on the fail list.  It would be for me as well, but I realize that I need to make some changes, or continue to add body fat.  I have gained about 12 pounds in the last 4 months, and while I'm not stressed about that, I know I wold be if the trend were to continue.

So....little steps.  Tomorrow I will start to count calories faithfully!

computrainer 80 mins, 60 mins at 157

.....oh and I'm gonna stop buying cookies....

People have got to learn: if they don't have cookies in the cookie jar, they can't eat cookies."---Suze Orman

Love

Peter

"2015"

A year of resolution!

I'm certainly not a New Years resolution kind of guy.  With the exception of a failed smoking cessation plan perhaps 25 years ago, I can't recall a single instance of having made any other commitments as of Jan 1.

Why then do I call 2015 a "year of resolution"?

Because I believe that the task before me will take me most of the year, and because coincidentally the time is right to begin the task.

The time is right simply because I am now in my 60th year, and it's starting to get pretty clear that I ain't gonna live forever.  Even as I write that I can't quite believe it.  Sixty freakin years!! How did I ever get here?

I've talked a lot over the last couple of months about my health struggles. and I've also talked a lot about my fears and anxieties, especially as they manifested themselves in my dreams.

It is becoming clear to me that these things are all related and that it's all about aging.  Valid or not, I now have a sense that I have outlived my usefulness.

It all fits, especially as I review the recurring themes of my dreams.  I dream about my children.  I dream about my work.  And I dream about Ironman!  Often, all wrapped up in one nightmarish jumble.

The common aspect of these things?

 It's how I value myself.  Those are the things that made me important in this world.  The "skills" that made me useful.

And while I may well have been only average at any of them, those 3 activities have served to keep me afloat for many years.  Although Ironman is the relative newcomer to the group I think  that subconsciously it was gonna be my bridge between letting go of the other two, and living the more traditional life of a retired grandfather.

That would also explain why the fear of losing my ability to train and compete at a reasonably competitive level has been so traumatic for me.  In other words, if my working days are over, and if my children don't need anything form me that I'm prepared to give, then what do I have left??

In my most abject of times, and I admit there have been many lately, I have felt there was nothing.  I have had trouble imaging a life of joy without my addiction.  After all, if I'm not Ironman Pete, how am I gonna lord it over the rest of the world?!

And yes of course I get tons of pleasure out of my relationships, especially with my spouse, my children, and my grandchildren, and yes I get so much love from them and others, and yet I think it's apparent that the only true enduring sense of self esteem has to come from within.  In essence it needs almost to thrive in a vacuum, without needing to be bolstered by feedback from others.

And how does this all come together at this point in my life?  Well that's where the real crunch comes. On top of the questions about who I now am, this series of health worries has suddenly got me feeling like someone sped up the clock!!!  I'm running out of time!

So there you have it.  That's the problem pretty well described I think.

My 60th year is going to be dedicated to "resolving" this dilemma. I mean "resolve" both in the sense of figuring it out, and of being committed to it.   Game on!!

But while I'm working on that long term project don't think that I've given up on the short term yet.  Not that any of my recent workouts have given me any reason for optimism, and as a matter of fact it has been the exact opposite.  I avoided even talking about it but I tried a longer (20km) 4/1, run/walk workout this past Monday, and while I felt good about pushing my way through it, by that evening I was so sick I considered going to the hospital.  I tried running again today to no avail.  I was walking by 2 kms.

But-----I still hope to learn something form my Holtor monitor test which is next week, and If that doesn't show anything then I will seriously pursue the idea that it is a somatoform disorder.  In other words...all in my head!!

I find it hilarious that contrary to practically 100% of people with this type of illness, I actually want to have it!  Most people who do, live in denial, and as a result do not get better.  I'm pretty sure that I can!  Let's see what the doc says about that idea.  I suspect he'll like it, because it will get him off he hook eh?  He can put me on a 2 year waiting list to see a head shrinker.  :)

Happy New Year my friends!

run walk, 7.5 kms

"Resolve to be thyself: and know that he who finds himself, loses his misery."---Mathew Arnold

Love
Peter