"Trick or Treat"

I locked the doors and turned out all the lights and still they came!  Damn!  I made the mistake of opening the door and they promptly came in, sat down on my living room floor, and started eating candy.  That was some hours ago now, and they show no signs of leaving!

Grandchildren!  Who needs em?

And I got so distracted by the beauty of it all that I almost forgot to post!

And my workouts continue to go reasonably well.  Every basement ride so far has been a little stronger than the previous one.  I still feel like crap all damn day, but I believe that it's primarily from this chest cold that refuses to go away.  If it's not better next week, I'm gonna break down and go see the doctor.

computrainer, 90 mins

"If human beings had genuine courage, they'd wear their costumes every day of the year, not just on Halloween."---Douglass Coupland

Love
Peter

"Almost Normal!"

Almost is as close as I'm ever gonna get anyway, so I'm good with that.  And of course as I mentioned the other day normal continues to change with age, at least as it relates to physical abilities.  So while my run today was appropriately slow for my age and fitness, I am very glad to report that it felt totally normal from a pain perspective.  It hurt everywhere!!

Which is indeed normal!

It's quite a relief actually.  I checked my records and the last time I felt this way was Sept 17th.  Six freakin weeks ago!!  I'm hoping it's a trend but I will try to remain very patient.  I also hope that next week my blood tests confirm that I can scrap the thyroid drugs totally, but we'll see.  I have to consider the possibility that I'm finally starting to feel better because my thyroid has stabilized where it should be.  We shall see.

10.3 kms, 5:02 pace

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal."---Albert Camus

Love
Peter

"I Like The Basement"

It's a beautiful thing because I can feed my depression while still getting my exercise!  Or wait!  Maybe I"m battling my depression while getting exercise.  Or maybe I'm just getting exercise and maintaining the status quo?  Who knows?

Either way, I think it's good that I'm riding my bike.  I am grateful that I have the time to do it without trying to squeeze it in around job responsibilities, and all the other prerequisites of daily life.  I truly don't know how working people do it.

And while I name it depression, it is more likely anxiety.  Lately I have been seriously obsessing about the future, and right now I don't know how to stop it.  If this doesn't sound too circular I hope that in the near future I figure it out. Figure out how to stop worrying about things that haven't happened, and most likely won't, or at least not in the way that I fear!

computrainer ride, 90 mins

"Only those who attempt the absurd will achieve the impossible. I think it's in my basement... let me go upstairs and check."---M C Escher

Love
Peter

"A Hint of Progress"

Life is all about managing expectations isn't it?  As my body continues it's slow by inexorable downward spiral on the way to the ice floe, I can accept most of the changes.  Year after year I manage to set reasonable new goals, and feel good about working towards them.  What I find more difficult is when significant change happens suddenly.  And while I still don't understand what's going on with my body, I do believe that with a new set of expectations it's gonna be okay.  I still have some work to do, but today I felt a hint of progress.

Today's new normal was a slow but steady15 km run.   And although slow, I maintained the same pace throughout, and my heart rate was perfect.  The best part was that I didn't feel any tightness in my chest, and/or anxiety.

Game on!

run 15 kms, 5:27/km

"If you align expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed."---Terrell Owens

Love
Peter

"Ho Hum"

Long day at the office!  Writing letters and sorting documents.  Time for a beer!

computrainer 75 mins easy ride.

"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."---Charles lamb

Love

Peter

"Tired"

Spent most of my day on executor stuff.  It is very stressful.  God love you Sally, but did you really, really have to keep all this crap that I'm wading through.  Oh well. There are lots of nice surprises as well.  Today we found a book of poems that she wrote over a period of 15 years!  Her daughter will be delighted.

I think what really has me tired though is thinking about the future of Sally's loved ones.   If only it weren't so complicated. There are still many hard decisions to make.

run 7.2 kms

"I wish I had an answer to that because I'm tired of answering that question."---Yogi Berra

Love

Peter

"Happy Birthday Sonny"

Yup!  Another one.  Happy 25th to our puppy.  The thing that stands out most about our Adrian is the huge circle of friends he has.  He is so well respected by so many people, that I can only conclude that he must take after his mother.  And wherever Adrian goes, and whoever he meets, it's always the same story.  People like him!

What more could a father ask I suppose, especially since I believe that friendships are always earned, they never just happen.

Happy birthday Adrian!

And with 2 months to go til Christmas, I am officially opening the start of the indoor season.  I cleaned my number one bike today and hung it in the basement, noting as I did so that it is no longer new.  Despite all my best efforts it has developed lots of scars over the 2 1/2 years of it's life.

I also put bike number two on the trainer and either tomorrow or the next day I will give it a warmup ride.  I say tomorrow or the next day because right now I am seriously considering running again tomorrow, which would make it 4 days in a row.

It still feels very difficult, but I'm hoping that this ongoing chest cold is still a factor, and perhaps anxiety is playing a part.  I have certainly rested more than enough and it's time to break through this apathy!

run 7.2 kms

"A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be."---Frank A. Clark

Love
Peter

"You Are Now Entering....."

It was 27 years ago today that my brand new mother-in-law rammed my very own wedding cake in my face, and then laughed hysterically. That's when I knew......

I had just entered the twilight zone!

Twenty-seven years later and I'm still there, and still good with it.

Yes my wife's family were (and still are) pretty weird, but as you can imagine that didn't really make me feel out of place.

As a matter of fact I think it was the similarity between our two families that was a big factor in our "fit". In general terms they are both weird, loyal, irreverent, spontaneous, outgoing, generous, fun loving, spiritual etc, with just enough difference built in, that Roo and I both learned a little from the in-laws over the years.

Actually it occurs to me that both Claudette and I were "born" into the twilight zone....

So happy 27th babe! To celebrate we went out and bought a bunch of clothes and stuff for our grandchildren. That's a very gratifying feeling, and I have an idea that it could become a tradition. I can tell you that it was much more satisfying that buying something useless for each other. Whaddaya think Roo?

And while I'm now a pretty experienced husband, I feel very much like a beginner runner. I forced myself through 10 kms today, but things are still no where near normal. One day at a time eh!

10k run

“Being like everybody is the same as being nobody.”---Rod Serling

A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other."---Anon

Love
Peter

"He's 36 Years Old.

And while I didn't pick him up hitchhiking, I guess I do bear some responsibility for him being in my life.  I didn't need to ask his name, but let me tell you what else I know about him.

He is extremely well spoken, and articulates his thoughts well.
He has issues with drugs and alcohol.
He lost his drivers license years ago.
He has 2 children who he sees semi-regularly.
He has proven to be a gifted personal trainer who's services I once used.
He has had ongoing brushes with the law since he was a teenager, and has spent time in jail.
He once told me that he has to think before telling the truth.
He does not support his children.
He is known to more collection agencies than you can count.
He is capable of keen insights, and was my greatest ally when I was dealing with his brothers addiction.
He has not held a steady job for several years.
He moves from place to place, rarely maintaining the same address for 6 months.
He has from time to time sought help for mental health issues.
He has the most amazing blue eyes you can imagine.

His name is Peter, and today he is 36 years old.  Happy birthday son!

And while I have avoided talking about this great sadness in my life I decided it was time.  I'm doing so just for me of course.  And  I think the reason it is such a sadness is because I believe without reservation in the potential of this son of mine.  He truly is intelligent, resourceful and capable of great kindness.  I know, because I've seen it.  Maybe one day I'll have him back....

6 km trail run

"The sooner we can understand and teach our children that the homeless or the poor or the destitute or the mentally ill or the drug users are us; that they are our mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, our friends, our family, our neighbours - that it's not us and a group of "them" - the sooner we can empathize, the sooner we can enact policy that helps all of us and that makes this world a better place."---Michael W Rooyakkers

"It will all be okay in the end.  If it's not okay it's not the end yet...."---Elly Lambert

Love

Peter

"Lazy"

But I had a productive day.

Love
Peter

"Picked Up a Hitch-hiker"

I certainly didn't feel like company on the drive to London, but I pulled over anyway.  I think it was the combination of the cold drizzly weather, and the fact that he was wearing a hoody.  Something struck me!
Times have changed so much since I was still hitch-hiking, a time when people from all walks of life stuck their thumb out for a ride.  These days you can almost guarantee that your roadside pickups are destitute and aimless.  Sure enough.  Here's what I learned about the man during the 20 minute trip.

He was a handsome guy, fairly well spoken although a bit erratic.
He was 37 years old.
He was staying with friends at the moment.
He moved constantly.
He was currently unemployed, but looking for work.
He was receiving a disability pension (mental health issues)
He had to check in at the police station every week until his trial. (weapons possession)
He would have liked to give me some money for gas but he had none.
He has a 12 year old son who he sees occasionally.
He was angry about all of the above, although I had to listen carefully to discern that.

What I never learned was his name.  This is notable because I always ask peoples names when I'm having any kind of a conversation.  I can even tell you his son's name, but for some reason, in this case, I never asked his.

Maybe I was afraid?
Afraid that his name would be Peter......

Some of you will understand that, and others will not.  Maybe I'll explain it soon.  Maybe within the next few days even.

No workout again today.  Tomorrow I'm gonna try to run the trails again.

"Fear of a name increases fear of the thing itself."---J K Rowling

"The one thing I want to leave my children is an honourable name."---Theodore Roosevelt

Love
Peter

"Living Dangerously"

 I considered the risk of going to walk the trails today, and decided to go regardless.  The rib discomfort has eased off a bit more, so I thought if I was careful I would be okay.  It's quite a bit more challenging, and a whole lot less boring than walking on the streets.

And it went quite well. As a matter of fact I ran most of the way, although slowly.  My heart rate was good which was pleasing.  In the low 130's most of the time, which is perfect for that kind of an effort.  And of course when I checked my blood pressure an hour or so afterwards it was low!!  I'm pretty sure we still haven't go that thing figured out.

The biggest challenge of running trails right now is the serious amount of mud, and the mixed blessing of the fallen leaves.  While the leaves tend to sop up some of the water, they also sometimes contribute to the really slippery spots, as well as hiding roots and other obstructions.

But the only real eventful moment was when in trying to avoid a very nasty mud hole I caught my headphones on a branch and ripped my headphones out of my ears.  Much to my delight they never even got to the ground as they stayed attached to my shuffle, but much to my chagrin I lost one of the special little ear bud covers.  They are very expensive to replace, not to mention that I have to order them and wait, and so I actually stopped and looked for it.  Despite how futile I knew it was to find this little piece of black plastic in a 10 foot long mud hole I gave it my best shot.  No luck!

It was only at the point of giving up that it came to me......in my ear!!!

Oh and did I mention?  I ran most of the way!!  It felt very good!

run trails, 6 kms

....I try to avoid both of these...

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."---Martin Luther King Jr

....and It won't surprise you that I like this one....

"Religion is capable of driving people to such dangerous folly that faith seems to me to qualify as a kind of mental illness."---Richard Dawkins

"And on living dangerously, it still amazes me that I spent the best portion of my life worrying about going to hell!!  That's just sick!!"---Peter W Rooyakkers

Love
Peter

"Winterized"

I'm ready for winter!  Got everything put away, turned off, shut down and appropriately anti-freezed.  I think I can risk a bit more time before I hook up the snowblower.  And I probably forgot a few things, but after all, they're only things.

One small task I still have to do is clean my bike.  You may recall my confession this past spring that last year it got put away dirty.  I remember the shame, and promise not to let it happen again.

Once that's done I'm gonna start the important winter preparations, and those are the mental ones.  I'll trigger that by putting away my shorts and most of my t-shirts, and then getting all my water running stuff to the front of the rack.  I'll also get my winter bike set up on the trainer, as well as making the small adjustments necessary to simulate the changes I made a few weeks ago to my primary bike.

I kind of have the first of November in mind as the launching point for my next adventure.  I will try to go into it with an open mind as if I'm starting from scratch.  If 5 kms is all I can run, then so be it.  That will simply be my starting point.  After all....been there, done that.  My resolve to do an Ironman next August 16 has not changed.

The other thing about Nov 1 is that by then  I'll be able to get my TSH checked again, and hopefully get off these drugs.

So a couple more weeks of coasting and trying to relax, and then hopefully a new bout of enthusiasm.  I suppose I get to decide that part eh....

"In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer."---Albert Camus

Love
Peter

"Slow Motion"

That's the way I've been doing everything for the past 24 hours.  Stand up slow, roll over slow, sit down slow, climb in the truck slow, etc, etc.

The problem is this stupid ongoing chest cold.  It's pretty damn hard to cough or sneeze in slow motion.

The discomfort that comes with every breath seemed to exacerbate my sleep problems as well, since Roo woke me up more than once just to tell me to start breathing!  Although I understand her reasoning in waking me, (she can't sleep worrying)  let me assure you that it's not a nice way to wake up!  It's pretty frightening actually!

But I did feel a bit better this afternoon, as the decision to try to remain active seemed to be the right one.  And although it's pretty tender again this evening, I feel a bit more optimistic than yesterday.

And although everything in my life is moving slow right now, my slothfulness pales in comparison to the "One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church of Rome".  Right now there are a whole bunch of pompous old fuckers, half of who are gay, and a smaller percentage of who are pedophiles, sitting around Rome pissing away the faithfuls money, trying to decide how much they dare soften their sexist, homophobic, jargon such that they don't look like quite the hypocritical bunch of assholes they really are.  I can't believe that anyone can even take these people seriously.  They must all be Republicans!!

My favourite part of the whole circus is the accolades that Pope Frank gets for his wonderful heart warming comment, "who am I to judge?".  What hypocrisy!  The vicar of Christ, the representative of Jesus on Earth, gets bonus points for not judging???

God give me strength!!

But once I'm done my rant I don't really care anyway.  Like all things stupid, the catholic church will pass into oblivion eventually.  Besides I got bigger fish to fry.

Let me show you what I've been doing today.  Tuning up my new toy!

Or old toy that is.  I wanted this saw 30 years ago but couldn't afford it.  Finally!  Radial arm saws have gone the way of the dodo bird, but there's lots of used ones still out there.  I got the best of the lot.  One owner, and in mint condition!!  And the bonus.....a whole lot cheaper than 30 years ago!

"Stupidity is also a gift of God, but one mustn't misuse it."---Pope John Paul II

Love
Peter

"Frustrated"

Deep breath Peter!

Well actually don't do that, it hurts too much.

I tweaked something in my rib cage yesterday, either while I was cleaning up the fallen tree branches, or while I was fixing the eaves trough on the farmhouse.

Either way it wasn't a big deal, and I barely even noticed it anymore when I got up this morning.

And when I did get up I drove Sally's car to the shop with a plan of walking the 7 kms home.

Since I felt pretty good I even started out with a bit of a jog.

Three minutes in to my jog I had to cross the road, and as I turned my body to check traffic I had a blinding stab of pain in the same spot!!  Fuck!!  I slowly walked it off and managed to get home, but now in the evening I am in quite a bit of distress. I find myself breathing very shallow, and when I am forced to take a catch-up breath, it hurts like mad!

I have had this kind of issue before, and it typically takes several weeks to heal.

I know age is a factor but it still doesn't seem fair.  I feel so vulnerable.

Frustrated!

walk, 7 kms

.....let's see how I handle it....

"When you are angry or frustrated, what comes out? Whatever it is, it's a good indication of what you're made of."---H Jackson Browne Jr

Love
Peter

"Me, Myself, & I"

My body say's "give it up, you're too old for this shit".
My mind says "you would regret that".
My soul says " in the long run it don't make a lick of difference, so go to bed and maybe you'll wake up again tomorrow".

trail walk, 6 kms

"My mama always used to tell me: 'If you can't find somethin' to live for, you best find somethin' to die for."---Tupac Shakur

"Deaf, Dumb & Blind"

Well actually I'm not dumb in the literal sense of the word, only in the idiot sense!

But unfortunately I am well on the way to deaf and blind.

While listening to a diagnosis from the optometrist today I had to ask him to speak up.  Normally if I can see someone's mouth move while they talk it helps me to fill in the missing sounds and words, but he was turned away from me.

Unfortunately when he did speak up he told me that I have cataracts in both eyes.  The right eye has only one very small one, and at this time is not a problem.  The left one however is gonna require surgery some time in the future, as it has two cataracts, one of which is causing significant loss of acuity.  

So of course time will make the decision, as it does with all things.  Actually my good eye will be the determining factor, since it is still doing a fine job of compensating.  Only if it also starts to deteriorate rapidly will I have a real problem.

The next stop will be the ophthalmologist, and then we'll go from there.  Right now I'm for procrastinating surgery for some time, hopefully until after Ironman.  As you can probably guess, cataract surgery means new glasses, and I can't help but think about those very expensive, and very delightful new sport sunglasses I just bought!!

Now If I can only stop wiping my glasses to get rid of the smudge that isn't there!!

And as to eventually adding dumb to my list of aging traits, don't hold your breath.  When my children finally put me on the ice floe they promised, my mouth is still gonna be working.  Guaranteed!

trail walk, 6 kms

....and at least I'm till trying...

"None so deaf as those that will not hear. None so blind as those that will not see."---Matthew Henry

...and any effort I put into this post was completely and fully repaid by the discovery of this quote!!

"I was deaf and dumb and blind to all but me, myself and I."---Loretta Young

I have always loved the concept of "me, myself and I, and my personal interpretation is "body, mind, and soul".  I strive to arrive at the point where I am truly open to the messages and the guidance that the 3 parts of me bestow upon me.  I believe that when I honestly and in totality learn to live by that guidance, then my life will be complete, and I will be at peace.  

Love

Peter

"Ready For Winter"

Well almost anyway.  It's amazing how much more stuff gets done around here when I'm not working out regularly. I think it's a combination of the extra time, combined with the nervous energy.  I can't sit still for very long.  The good thing about all this is that the sense of satisfaction I get from completing tasks keeps me motivated to stay away from running.

And if that doesn't sound crazy eh?  I gotta keep busy so that I don't fall into the trap of exercise!!

And speaking of crazy, yesterdays thread of an idea  was about the old, "it's all in your head" philosophy.  I still never fleshed it out in my head, but I do want to come back to it at some point.  I wish to better understand hypochondria and somatoform illnesses.  I believe strongly in the mind/body connection, and yet  it amazes me that in some cases the mind can be so powerful as to literally cause life threatening illnesses.

And while I don't have a fear of anything so dramatic happening to me, I have let myself wonder just how much of my current woes are attributable to stress and anxiety.  After all, I admit freely that 12 years ago I let depression take me on a very bad place physically.  That depression was triggered primarily by stress, and it left me looking for answers in my body.

So while I concede there could still be physiological issues causing my problems they will take time to sort out.  I can start right away to work on my anxiety, that caused by my stressors, and that caused by the lack of exercise. Certainly focusing on manual tasks is good for me.  Maybe I'll change the oil in the tractor tomorrow, and get the snowblower hooked up. :)

I'm also trying to be okay with the fact that I'm gaining weight.  It seems like a waste to let myself go a little bit, but at the same time I have the confidence to recover from it.  It just means some more hard work in my future, but if I say so myself, hard work I know how to do. ..... I think there's still some pumpkin pie left in the fridge!

As I try to work through this I also struggle daily with my blogging.  Sometimes I believe it just adds another stressor, and at other times I see a clear value in putting down my thoughts.   And just as I write that I have to laugh at myself.......because I think the real stress comes not it writing it, but rather in my egotistical need to make it good!!  Idiot!

“After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.”--- Stephen Colbert

Love

Peter

"Scrambled"

My thoughts that is.  I have a thread of something I want to talk about, but it's still too flimsy.  Or is flimsy the right word for a thread?  Maybe fragile, or tenuous, or simply weak?

Regardless, I don't feel like putting forth the effort to strengthen it tonite.  I'm hoping for better tomorrow.

trail walk, 6 kms

"Life is an intangible gift from god. We can neither see it, feel it, or bargain with it. Life is an unsubstantial flimsy thing. It is here today and gone tomorrow."---Justice Cabral

Love
Peter

"My Life is Perfect!"

Need I say more....

"We do not remember days, we remember moments."---Cesare Pavese

Love
Peter

"Define Time Off!"

Day two of my self imposed sabbatical and I am already crawling up the walls. I had to do something, so despite cooler than ideal weather, I geared up and went for a bike ride.  I was resolved to make it an easy ride, but since I started out into the wind it was a little tougher than I planned.

The biggest thing I'm struggling with is deciding how much the anxiety is playing into my problems.  It's such a vicious circle, and I truly don't know how to relax given the way I feel.  Right now I can sit in my chair and count my heart beats without lifting a finger.  Why?

I think I have such a tolerance for exercise that walking just doesn't do anything for me, at least from a physiological perspective.  And of course I could go on and on about the mind body connection.  Somehow that seems like an excuse, and yet I don't have the answers...yet...

So I continue to practice my patience, and one day that practice may pay off.

ride 42 kms

....I'm afraid this is me...

"Don't spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door."---Coco Chanel

...right now I have no choice but to try and accept this...

"Patience and time do more than strength or passion."---Jean de la Fontaine

....and while I've learned this lesson many times, It seems it's still not ingrained

"In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these."---Paul Harvey

Love
Peter

"Great News!'

I wouldn't have believed it possible, but I got the official letter in the mail today.

YUP!!

I'm pre approved!!

Just like that, I'm pre-approved for the Final Needs Planning Program!

Do you believe it?  What good fortune eh?

I don't even need a medical, and as a matter of fact the only prerequisite for the program is that you have to have been born after 1934!  That puts me in the small group of people in our country that are under 80 years old!  lmao

And what benefits do I get out of this pre-approval that only people under 80 years old get to have? Well, after a quick scan of the brochure it seems that they borrow any extra money you may have, without paying you any interest, and then give it back to you to buy a coffin when you need one. Too good eh??

I wonder if people actually do this?

My favourite line from their advertising?  "The realty is that each and every one of us has a 100% chance of dying, some day"   Wow!   With foresight like that these guys surely should get some consideration don't you think?

And that's all the great news I had today.  Everything else continues as normal, and overall I guess I can't ask for more.  I do wish I were a wee bit less anxious so towards that end I may try for a long walk tomorrow.  Or if it isn't too autumn-ish, I may even brave an easy bike ride.

Actually I did get another little bit of good news today.  Because my number one son chose not to pick up his kids this evening we get to keep them overnite.  And.......they get to go to their hockey games in the morning!  Woohoo!!

....and just a quote I liked that had "news' in it...

"We relish news of our heroes, forgetting that we are extraordinary to somebody too."---Helen Hayes

Love
Peter

"Sorry"

I didn't mean to worry anyone, least of all you Mike.  The only thing I'm afraid of is something getting in the way of my Ironman.  And I suppose that it's compounded by the old "fear of the unknown".  I don't know what's going on, and that's unsettling.  But it will most likely correct itself if I relax a bit, like Elly says.

So that's what I'm gonna try to do.  I don't know for how long but I'm gonna take some time off; a week at the very least, maybe as much as three.  Hopefully I'll get over this stupid chest cold, and maybe my shoulder therapy will show some progress.  The timing is good anyway, as there's lots of "winterizing" to be done around here, so it will be easy to stay busy.

I'll probably get fat, but I've been there before too!

Wish me luck!

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."---Robin Williams

Love

Peter

"Discouraged"

And frightened!  Nothing makes sense any more.  It feels like a nightmare, and I'm ready to wake up.

run/walk 7 kms

....and this I'm afraid I'm guilty of...

"I know when I get down and discouraged, it's hard for me to be able to just see anything except for right where I am."---Victoria Osteen

Love
Peter

"If You Don't Have Anything Good To Say"

........

swim, 1000 metres

"There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so."---William Shakespeare

Love

Peter

"As Expected"

My TSH levels are below normal, lmao.  The opposite problem to what I started out with!  My free T4 reading was however just perfect, so as expected, the plan is to cut the drugs in half, and check again in 4 weeks.  If everything is even close to normal at that point  I will drop the levothyroxin completely!  I even have Cory's blessing, so there!

Time will tell if it was all just a dream, and time will also tell whether there is something else wrong. One thing at a time.

Unfortunately I still feel like crap.  I hope some stuff stops hurting soon.

My run today was another adventure.  Felt good for the first 10 minutes, but it all fell apart by 3 kms.  I feel like I go anaerobic, as my chest tightens and I struggle to breathe.  After some walking, and then a bit more jogging I finally got into a very slow rhythm.  I found that if I kept my heart rate under 120 I could plod along.  Unfortunately it's not much faster than a walk.  I managed 10 kms.

walk/jog 10 kms

"You come to realize that only one person can tell you what's expected of you, and that's you."---Jason Mraz

"Drug Free Sunday"

I've decided to pre-empt my doctor, and cut my medication in half.  I thought a good way to start would be to have a thyroxin holiday.

But don't worry.  I didn't go cold turkey, I simply replaced the synthetic drug, with a natural one.  And  sure enough it was a natural high.

Of course you're thinking I went running for an hour or two, but quite the contrary.  I didn't work out at all!

My fix of the day came compliments of Roo.  We packed up a few tools and went to Elly's house.  They talked and shopped, while I worked.  They were just on my periphery, close enough that I could feel grateful that they're in my life, but distant enough to stay out of my way.  My life is perfect!!  What a high!

And  as I write, it occurs to me that if I combine my formative years with my adult years, these two women have probably been the most influential in my life.

Not a wonder I'm so fucked up eh!! :)

And as to my drug strategy, I feel pretty comfortable with it.  Either the blood tests will come back and confirm that I can go with less, or they will revert back to the original stupid results, and then I'll know something else is going on.  Time will tell eh?

And it was fun looking for drug quotes.  Here's a few of my favourites/

“They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well — you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.” ---Bill Hicks

“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.”---William S. Burroughs

"I used to have a drug problem, now I make enough money.” ---David Lee Roth

...and then there's the serious one.  It took me a second, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks...

“Dope.
They sell that shit to schoolkids.
It's worse than that.
How's that?
Schoolkids buy it.”---Cormac McCarthy

Love

Peter

"Whoops"

Almost forgot and now its too late. My brain shuts off at 9 pm!

Love
Peter

"A Vicious Circle"

I don't want any sympathy, and I sure as hell  don't expect any from the likes of my family and friends!  Never the less, I'm gonna tell you what it's like for me when it comes to my health and my fitness.

All my adult life I have struggled with a genetic predisposition to both depression, and weight gain.  While some of you may reject the genetic part as just another excuse, I also know there will be others who understand.  Besides, I'm not an "excuse" guy, which come to think of it may be another family kind of thing.

Anyway, after many years of trial and error(mostly error) I finally came to the conclusion that I can effectively combat both of them with rigorous exercise. I have embraced this lifestyle as an integral part of who I am, and as sad as it may seem, training is my life!  Sure there are other elements of my existence that are critical to my well being, my family of course being the most prominent, but as far as any kind of work or play, there is nothing that even remotely approaches the impact that endurance training has on my life!

But unfortunately all this good stuff hinges on having a body that can cope with it!

I woke up this morning at 3 am feeling as broken down as I remember feeling for many years.  Probably not since I was sick back in 07/08 has my body felt at such a low ebb.  Everything hurts!  My head, my throat, my chest, my shoulders, back and legs!  After tossing and turning for several hours I finally got up and told Roo that I had made a decision.  I was gonna take some time off and let my whole self heal up a little.

But that was this morning!

When I don't work out I get stressed!

When I get stressed I eat!

When I eat I gain weight!

When I get stressed, and gain weight, I get depressed!

You get the picture?  A vicious  circle!

And one more time, just for the record; I don't want any sympathy!  I also don't apologize, because that won't make it any less a reality!

It is now evening, and despite feeling quite a bit better during the day, I am again hurting all over.  Despite that, I know I need to do something tomorrow or go crazy, so I'm probably  gonna go to Cambridge and try the trail run.  My compromise will be that if I'm lazy in the morning I'm allowed to change my mind, and further to that, I'm gonna allow myself to do as little or as much of the race as I like.  And all of those on the fly decisions I will make without any guilt!

I plan on having a good day regardless of my decisions.

...and I'm sure I've used this one before but it feels just right today...

"Create around one at least a small circle where matters are arranged as one wants them to be."---Anna Freud

That's somehow where I need to be with my training.  If I can only keep that bit of my life arranged the way I like it, then I can seem to cope with the randomness in the rest of it.

Oh, and by the way.  Anna is Sigmunds daughter....I checked!

Love
Peter

"Top Ten Ways To Tell You're Getting Old"

10)    You can't sleep at night, and you can't stay awake during the day!
 9)     Counting birthdays means 'how many you may have left'!
 8)     The nurse at the doctors office recognizes your phone number!
 7)     You try to accomplish one task every day, but sometimes fail!
 6)     You've worn a path from the side of the bed to the bathroom!
 5)     When at the arena  with your grandchildren you cannot resist the lure of the 'warm part'!
 4)     You've stopped wearing white underwear!
 3)     You continuously clean your glasses only to discover the smudges are on your eyes.
 2)     You've got one of these beside your bed....

...and it's only purpose is to do your shoulder stretches!!!

And the number one way you can tell you're getting old.

 1)     You start to consider the possibility that your next Ironman may be your last!!  

ride 67 kms

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional."---Chili Davis

Love
Peter

"Mystified"

Went to have my blood pressure checked today, and although it's only one day it was a bit better.  While I was there I checked to see if my blood test results were back.  They were!

The normal range for Thyroid Stimulating Hormone is .3 to 4.0.  Three weeks ago mine was 18.5!  Very high!  Today after 3 weeks on the medication it was .6!  Based on everything I have been told this abrupt change is very improbable.  I'm gonna go back to get my dosage reduced with the hope of getting off of it completely.  Unbelievable!

And I managed to get around the block today although it was still too tough.  Even though I was still recovering, the time period between Ironman and when I started the medication included faster and easier runs.  I know because I have the data!

It really makes me wonder how I would be feeling today if I had never gone to the doctor in the first place?? 

Mystified!

Tomorrow I'm gonna ride my bike just because that still feels good.

And although your advise to the contrary is probably good Elly, I'm gonna go do at least part of the trail run on Saturday.  If I just have fun, I think it may still be healthy.

run, 7.5 kms

...and while these two seem to contradict each other I still like them both...

"I think on some level, you do your best things when you're a little off-balance, a little scared. You've got to work from mystery, from wonder, from not knowing."---William Dafoe

"Don't become a mere recorder of facts, but try to penetrate the mystery of their origin."---Ivan Pavlov

Love