"I Understand"

I was listening this morning to an interview of one of the women that claimed to have been molested by Fat Albert himself, the one and only Mr Bill Cosby.  Just for the record, I say "claimed", not because I doubt her for a second, but rather because I personally have no solid evidence of her allegations.  Besides I get a bit cynical I suppose about anything you hear or read as news these days.  Then again I'm probably a bit naive as well.  Hell, I was still giving Lance Armstrong the benefit of the doubt until he admitted the truth to Oprah.  Of course by that time I had no choice, since we all know that Oprah alway knows the truth.  Unless of course your name is James Frey(look it up).

But I digress.  The fact that the "Cos" probably raped several women over the course of his life, while pretty damn frightening in itself, is not the reason I brought up the topic.

Rather it was a comment that this woman made during her interview.  It resonated with me in a big way, but in a way totally unrelated to her situation.

When asked how she felt afterwards, and why she didn't come forward she said this.  It is an exact quote by the way.

"You know intellectually that it's not your fault. but your emotions don't have intelligence, and your intelligence doesn't have any emotions. Sometimes they don't connect with one another, and this time the emotions won. I felt a lot of shame, a lot of guilt, a lot of should haves...."

So before I explain why her comment meant so much to me, let me first say that I don't pretend to have ever suffered the kind of trauma she very likely did, and in no way am I comparing my pain to that of a person who suffered such an incredible indignity.

But still.  While I will never be able to relate to the intensity of her situation, I understand totally the war between intellect and emotion as she describes it.  I can relate particularly to the idea that sometimes the one wins, and sometimes the other.

I suppose that it says something about how self absorbed I am that when this woman is bearing her soul about a hugely traumatic event, I immediately relate it to my petty problems.  So be it.  Sometimes one has to take care of ones self.

And what petty problems do you think I may be referring to?  Why of course it's the same old.  My parenting.

When I'm down and worried about one or the other of my offspring, I recognize that it's because emotion is winning.  If my intellect were perhaps only a bit stronger, maybe it would win a little more often.  At the very least I need to remain cognizant of this battle, and in doing so I may feel better, more often.  Because it is indisputable.  When I can look clearly and intellectually at my efforts, rather than through a cloud of emotion at my disappointments,  I am generally at peace.

And I also had a bit of a related a-hah moment today when my grandson called me from school.  He needed me to bring him a new pair of pants because he had ripped his, probably doing something he shouldn't have been doing.  The point is, that in delivering his pants, not just was I reminded that I enjoy being Colby's grampa, I simultaneously realized that it's my most important job right now.  It's like a graduation for me.  I need to leave the high school of parenting, and move to the university of grandparenting.  It's clearly a higher learning skill.  You can just beat sense into your kids, while your grandchildren require that you talk sense into them.

Game on!

Oh by the way, her name is Joan Tarshis.  She seems very credible, and I for one believe her!  Sorry Bill!  You get to join the ranks of Coach Jerry Sandusky, and Father Ken Farrell.   They didn't do it either!

And where did this effin weather come from?  Holy shit!  I managed 5 kms in this crap, and was glad to get that much in.  Did I once claim to enjoy winter running?

easy swim, 5 km run

"Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It's the fear that we're not good enough."---Brene Brown

Love
Peter