"Felt Compelled"

Some times you just need the right incident to shock you into action. or at least into thought.  Today I had one such moment. and I wish to share it.

I was at the drug store picking up a few things, and when I went to the til to pay it was way backed up.  They also have an exit out the back which I know from experience is rarely as busy, so that's where I headed.  To my surprise there were a few people in line there as well.  When the person in front of me got her turn I could not help but hear the start of her conversation with the teller.  She had a prescription in her hand, and the teller asked her if she had already paid for that.  She answered in the affirmative.

As I listend to this interaction the customers back was turned to me, and yet somehow I had the sense that perhaps she was somehow handicapped,  Down's Syndrome maybe?  It could be that the patience the teller was showing her as she searched through her purse for a payment method, also twigged me to the idea that the woman was somehow special.  She courteously ensured her there was no rush, and while she waited patiently, she packed up the woman's purchase, and also put her prescription in the same bag.

Anyway, I wasn't really paying much attention anymore as the woman inserted her payment card into the machine.  But then I did hear her say something to the teller, I just never caught the words.  All I saw was the teller taking the prescription out of the bag and handing it to her.  At first I thought that she wanted to put her drugs separately in her purse at the same time as she was putting her payment card away.  It wasn't until I heard the teller say, "I'll put this back for you", that I realized that something else was going on.  I want sure, but I considered that maybe she didn't have enough money to pay for her stuff.

As  the teller put her package back behind her for a later return to the shelf, the customer turned and walked away.  At this point I had still not seen her face so I wasn't even aware of any regret or disappointment she may have exhibited, but I sensed that something clearly didn't go right.  As she walked away I asked the teller what happened, and she reluctantly told me that the customers card wouldn't work, a clear euphemism for she didn't have enough money.

At the risk of embarrassing her I had to do something, and so I called out to her.  I had to chase her a bit, but when she turned it was clear that my diagnosis was probably correct.  Perhaps not that she had Down's Syndrome specifically, but her innocent reaction to me calling out to her, clearly indicated some kind of developmental issue.  I would guess that she was perhaps 30 years old.  Also her response to my offer to pay was without any embarrassment, and without any effusive gratitude.  Just a plain thank you.

You want to know what this woman had to hand back because she didn't have the money to pay for it?  I bet you do! It wasn't candy, it wasn't a magazine, it wasn't make-up! Nor was it a pair of sunglasses or a greeting card!   It was something I have never bought in my life, not even for my wife not that I would be ashamed to, but I can't possibly imagine the idea that if she needed them I could not afford to go out and buy Roo a package of maxi-pads!!!!!  They cost all of seven effin dollars!!!

Can you imagine?  Even as a man, I think I can.

Anyway, that's my story.  I'm sure I didn't do a good enough job of describing the emotion I felt throughout this little incident, but suffice it to say that it was good for my humility.

I need to contribute more to the world.

Oh and by the way, the teller embarrassed me a bit with her effusive thank you, not that I wanted it. I think she was just grateful that she didn't have to send the woman away without her goods.  Personally I considered the whole deal a gift to me.  To be in the right place at the right time, to spend my money on something useful.  I know my daddy would have been proud of me!

And whether today's episode has motivated me to do some more writing only time will tell.  Meanwhile, please know that I love you all, and that I continue to do the best I can with what I got today.

"Life is a long lesson in humility."---James M Barrie

Love
Peter

"Small Goals"

It may seem totally silly but my short term training goal is to run 5 kms.  Lots of people can do that, but lots can't, so I think it's a good place to start.  Actually I can already run that far already, but now I want to run it a little faster.  By the end of this month I plan on running 5 kms in 25 minutes.   I once did it in 18 minutes so that should be easy eh?  I have been getting out every second or 3rd day, and while it seems way too painful, it also feels good just to run.  I tried the trails a few times as well but that was still too discouraging.

I've learned from Elly that little steps are some times the best way to climb a mountain so that's gonna be my new attitude.  Once I achieve this goal, I will move on to the next.

And as much as I hate to give him credit, please check out John's comment on yesterdays post.  Very insightful John.  Thanks.

run 5 kms, 26:27

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."---Zig Ziglar

Love

"I have a question?"

Is it a healthy thing for one to pour out their worries, fears and frustrations?  I struggle with this question for a few reasons, not the least of which is wondering how it may affect others.  I know the biggest struggle in my life is worrying about the happiness of those I love, and as such I am reluctant to burden them with my personal woes for fear that I will dampen their spirits, and in essence create a vicious circle.  I just don't know.

The other consideration is the age old question of self fulfilling prophecies.  I believe that for me, airing my pain brings me some relief, at least in the short term.  But on the other hand, does talking about it make the fears a reality??  I just don't know.

And another question still on my mind, while probably less significant in the big picture, is still an uncertainty.  That's about these eyes of mine.  While I am generally feel quite content with my eyesight without correction, I do still find them quite sore at times, and I often have a headache by the evening.  I worry that I 'm  straining them.  Certainly if I added glasses my overall eyesight would be spectacular, but I'm not ready to concede that yet.  At the very least I will wait until I see the optometrist in a few weeks.  For now, I just know.

Besides, I can now legally drive in Ontario without corrective lenses.  For the first time in my 44 years of holding a permit!!!!!  I went and got the asterisk removed from my license the other day.  My vision was measured at 20/40 with 170 degrees of peripheral vision.  The minimums are 20/50, and 120.  The funny things is that at distance I can see better using my left eye only.  I think because I am right eye dominant, and that is the eye programmed for close up sight, that it tends to try to take over even at distance.  Certainly the right eye is the one that causes double lights at night.

But while the jury is still out long term I continue to be amazed at what I now have.  I still laugh at myself several times a day as I adjust to not have the specs sitting on my face.  Today I caught myself scrunching up my nose to reposition my glasses on my face.  I also still try to take them off every night when I'm done reading, and I always slide my finger up my cheekbone and under the lens in order to scratch an itchy eye.

And along with the unlearning which I'm sure will come naturally, there is some intentional learning I need to do.  The biggest single challenge for me will be to start wearing safety glasses when appropriate.  It's already happened a few times that I got crap in my eyes, and I was always totally surprised.

Speaking of challenges, I am trying to type with one hand because the other one is tied up with something much more important!  But I ain't complaining. I will happily be handicapped for as long as she's prepared to sit with me.

And that's all I got for today.  Please think hard about my question, cause I really just don't know.

To know that we know what we know, and to know that we do not know what we do not know, that is true knowledge."---Nicolaus Copernicus

"I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well."---Robert Benchley

Love
Peter

"Behind Blue Eyes"

The Who released this song about 8 years before my eldest son was born, and yet somehow they wrote it for him.  Peter has the most amazing blue eyes.

"No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes

No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

No one knows what it's like
To feel these feelings
Like I do
And I blame you

No one bites back as hard
On their anger
None of my pain and woe
Can show through

But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be

I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free

When my fist clenches, crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool

And if I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
And if I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat

No one knows what it's like
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes"---Pete Townshend

Love

Peter

"As Two Eyes Make One in Sight"

I want to tell you the whole saga of my eyesight and it occurred to me that it has lasted as long as an IM training cycle.  Like Ironman I had many difficult decisions to make, but unlike Ironman, I think I made much better ones.  Not that I necessarily knew it at the time, but in hindsight I'm pretty well ready to call the journey a success.  By the way, the title of my blog is from a very excellent poem by Robert Frost Called "Two Tramps in Mudtime".  I've probably used it before

It was about a year ago that I first went to the optometrist with the suspicion that I was developing cataracts in at least one eye.  He confirmed that, and referred me to the one and only local ophthalmologist.

I got in to see him very early in February and as they say, 'without prejudice', what an unpleasant person.  I discussed the idea of waiting until after my race in August but he was dead set against  that.  He considered it of great risk, and relayed a recent story of having to make last minute procedure changes to another patient because he had waited too long.  Okay.....   He also told me about a different lens option that was available, but that he wasn't really a fan of it, and furthermore, that he didn't offer that particular solution.  That lens carried the potential to actually improve my eyesight, beyond just removing the cataract. If I really wanted to consider it he grudgingly agreed to give me a referral to someone who could do it.  It's called a Toric lens, designed specifically to improve astigmatism.  I requested time to think about it.

The real dilemma, and the really tough first decision I had to make was a choice between taking a break from training and getting it over with, or wait longer while I got my next referral.  One one end of the scale was the risk that he knew what he was talking about when it came to waiting, but on the other end was the potential of actually seeing better than perhaps I ever had.

I made the call to wait!

After a bunch of BS with him actually processing the referral, I finally got a call from Dr David Tingey's office at the Ivey Institute.  I got in to see him some 2 1/2 months later, and again, "without prejudice' what a pleasant person.  He discussed the Toric lens option with me, including of course the risks and opportunities, and when he told me there was a possibility of riding my bicycle without prescription glasses I was sold!!  Contrary to the previous physician he was a big fan of this type of lens, had implanted them numerous times, and furthermore he seen no absolutely no risk in waiting until after my race.  Okay.....This decision wasn't so hard.

So I waited patiently (NOT!) until our return form Quebec, all the time quite aware that my left eye was getting progressively worse.  I remained a bit worried that the first guy was still right about the delay, and it was with some trepidation that I waited for Sept 1st, the scheduled date for my left eye.  It didn't help that several days prior to that I got a call from his office advising me that it would be delayed for one week.  While I was at first disappointed, I quickly realized that this was a good thing.  My second eye was now scheduled only a week after the first, which would mean much less down time overall.

Sept 8th and surgery arrived.  Two hours after it was over I was sitting in his chair for a quick followup up and after having a look, he flashed the eye chart on the wall.  Much to my surprise I could read several lines, and much to my shock he told me that I was seeing clearly enough to drive without glasses!!!!!!!!!!  No freakin way!!!!!!  Is this possible?  Driving without glasses???

Needless to say it was a gleeful ride home, even if Roo wouldn't actually let me drive, the bitch.  Apparently that's against the rules, just because you're maybe a little bit tipsy from the sedative they pumped into my veins.

Driving without glasses!!  And riding, and swimming, and running, and going for walks. and roofing, and cleaning the pool, and making the bed, and taking a piss in the middle of the night, and looking at my honey.........holy freaking cow.

But then I got home, took, my left lens out of my glasses and sat down to relax and read for a while.  I taught maybe I should try to just check out my new bionic eye on something closeup, and that's when I got the near vision shock I already told you about.  I expected to need reading glasses for exactly that, reading, but I did not expect to need them for every normal closeup activity....answering my phone, looking at my watch, using a screwdriver. I was concerned enough to call his office, and I got an immediate invite to come and see him the next day.

After listening patiently to my concerns he gave me 3 options.  First, go back in and change the left eye to bring my focus closer.  This might mean I could lose some of that driving/riding/swimming glory I was revelling in, and he wasn't really in favour of that option from a technical perspective anyway.  The next option was to proceed with the other eye exactly the same way, and accept that i would need to have reading glasses with me at all times.  He actually recommended this choice as he believed that over time I would adjust, and that it was also the safest choice.  After all, just being able to drive without glasses was way more than I ever expected when I started this journey.  We also talked about a third option, and while he wasn't initially in favour of it, after some discussion he came around.  That option was to make my right eye different than my left, in the hope that it would at least give me enough closeup vision to do things like answer my phone.  Decision time again!

I gave him the go ahead to order the new lens, and much to my surprise they were able to get it in time for my original Sept 15 surgery.  It would be one diopter different than my first eye.

About an hour after surgery this time, a technician came in and checked my eye, including a quick look at the eye chart where again I was surprised.  Surprised that I couldn't get past the top line!!  I put it down to the fact that I had just come off the table, and never thought much more about it.'  The doctor also came in, had a quick look, stated his satisfaction, and told me to come back in a week for a followup.  This time he didn't ask me to read the chart, and  in hindsight I think that was because he already knew what I "couldn't" see.  Regardless, we headed home without any worries.

By the time I got home that had changed.  I couldn't see a freaking thing out of my right eye, neither near nor far.  WTF?  Needless to say I wasn't feeling too good, but managed to tell myself that I would wait til the following morning before I would call his office.  Meanwhile I chatted with eye expert, sister Mary, and she cautioned me to relax and be patient.

By morning I suddenly had some improved near vision, and I knew exactly why.  Actually I felt kind of stupid, because after nearly 50 years of getting my pupils dilated you would think that I knew better.  The drops they put in always ruin your near vision for the rest of the day!

I still decided to call the office since, despite improvement, I could not do things like read my phone, which was the hope.  Also my distance vision in that eye was way worse than my other one, not just a bit worse like I expected

The day wore on and I didn't hear back from the doctor.  The day wore on and my near vision got better yet!  The day wore on, and the gap in distance between left and right closed!  More discussion with Mary helped me stay grounded, and by the end of the day I decided I wasn't gonna call the doctor back.  I'm pretty sure that my message got missed, because previously they always faithfully returned calls on a timely basis.

And in interest of cutting off this lengthy narrative I skip forward to Saturday afternoon, 4 days after my second surgery.

For four days I have not worn a pair of glasses! That's the first time in about 47 years!

Four days later I can ride my bike, and drive my truck without glasses.  Although I haven't tried it yet, I'm sure I will be able to swim without corrective goggles, and certainly running will be a breeze.

But here's the kicker!  I can answer my phone, read on my tablet, work on my computer, and most importantly, use a screwdriver to install some new outdoor lights on the grandkids house!

I never really thought of the significance of the last part because I can assure you that without the last minute change we made to the right eye, that I would always need glasses to do any of my home handy man stuff.  I would struggle to read a tape measure.

Of course not everything's perfect as I still am experiencing some ups and downs in acuity, and at night all the cars have 4 headlights until they get close enough.  I also get a wee bit disoriented at time but I think that's just my tow eyes learning to work together. But nothing's perfect, and I can live with all of  those things.

And like everything else I suppose my wonder will pass, but for now I remain in absolute awe of what has been accomplished.  I have to give Dr Tingey unlimited credit of course, for both his technical skill  and his bedside manner  I also have to say thanks once more to Mary, as she has talked me throughout this for the entire year, including getting expert opinions from her extensive resources, and even doing reference checks on the doctors that I saw.  But I also am very proud of the difficult decisions I made along the way.  Because of my questioning nature, we achieved way more than I even considered possible at the outset!! I'm content.

If the doc okays it, and the weather permits it, I'm gonna go for a bike ride next week.  That will be he first time since Tremblant, and I promise to tell you all about it.

And that's the end of a long story.  If you skipped ahead to this part don't apologize.  I know that's it's not very well written, but I just needed to get it down for my own sake.  Game on!

...I like this, and it seemed timely...

"The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes."---Marcel Proust

Love
Peter

"Still Here"

Just been preoccupied with my eye surgery, and the garage rebuild.  Both are going well, and I promise to tell you more over the next day or so.

In brief, 

The garage has a brand new top, with shingles going on in the morning.

And I haven't worn glasses in 2 days!!!!!

Love

Peter

"For The Sake of Clarity"

Pun intended!

After I got a few questions about it, I reread my eye surgery post and realized that I wasn't totally clear about the near vision surprise I had.  Or perhaps more accurately, I didn't really understand it myself.  You see, I knew very well that I was gonna lose some unaided near vision, and knew very well that I would need glasses to read comfortably.  And I am so absolutely elated to have such incredible distance vision that I still find myself alternately covering one eye and then the other, just to marvel at the difference.  It's like someone opens a filthy window, and then on top of that makes everything bigger and shinier.  If I ever seen the world this clearly (out of one eye at least), then it was too long ago to remember.

But back to the near vision thing.  As the week wore on I realized that it was not the loss of clarity that surprised me, but rather my inability to compensate in any way.  For the last 50 years, if something was blurry or too small to read I simply moved it closer to my face, or squinted.  Guess what?  Neither of those solutions work anymore.  That's why I specifically mentioned my phone because I had it in mind that for occasional needs I could just "look a little harder".  No way man!  Doesn't work.

But I'm pretty sure I will adjust quickly.  I haven't had to yet because I continue to wear my regular glasses with just one lens, but after Tuesday I will be completely dependant on my implants.  I'll tell you one thing.  I sure won't be whining about it, because the improved over-all sight is mind boggling. Plus, you never know.  The change we are making to the right lens should help a bit.

And you know what's really, really cool?  Being able to read the menu board at a fast food restaurant before I get to the counter!!

And technology is on my side in other ways as well, in that I can always get a bigger phone and zoom the text size way up, and as most of my recreational reading is done on an electronic device there are almost no limits what you can do with that.  The only real handicap may be reading the nutritional labels on the food I buy, but Colby tells me I do way too much of that anyway.  :)

And perhaps you may recall that my last post wasn't really about my sight anyway, it was about my continuing search for happiness in the moment.  Despite some good advice I can't pretend that I have solved it in the last few days.  I still continue to look forward to a better time.  And while I agree with John's comment that happiness, like everything else, ultimately comes down to  a simple decision, the fact that it's simple, does not make it easy.  I tried to think of some examples to illustrate my point but quickly realized I need but one.  I give you the case of the addict!!

And that's all I got for today.  I am starting to get that feeling again, and anticipate posting at least every few days.  We'll see how it goes.  I hope a bunch of men (or better yet women) with hammers and wrecking bars arrive here tomorrow morning to start rebuilding my garage.  But in the spirit of my post, if they don't, I'm not gonna let it make me unhappy.  I'm gonna get pissed off instead!!  Either way, it will give me something to talk about.

....and once I have two new eyes, maybe I need to look more closely in the mirror...

"Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes."---Carl Jung

Love
Peter