"Two Weeks Later"

And overall I'm feeling pretty decent.  Of course as always I have to break that down into the mental and physical components

Every once in a while I revisit the moment that I decided to quit, something which I have never done before by the way, in any race, at any distance.  Of course I wish I could still claim that perfect record, but when I remind myself that I almost passed out on several occasions I manage to shrug off the feelings of failure.  And of course knowing I'm going back there to kick ass next year helps as well.

I do however still have a ways to go to a complete physical recovery.  I think I have to back off a bit from the relatively easy stuff I've been doing.  Today was my 4th consecutive day with some kind of a workout, and it didn't feel good.  I was more tired than a couple of days ago and that's not what needs to happen.  I need to feel fresher each day until I'm back to normal.

I did some more messing with my heart rate today, including some testing that is supposed to help me determine my maximum rate.  I wanted to do that anyway because this time around I want to use heart rate more specifically in my training.  I did two different sub-max tests as they're called (walking and stepping), as well as a mathematical calculation, and all 3 came up with identical results.  My maximum running heart rate is approx 175 bpm.

Of course getting your heart rate up to it's absolute maximum is almost impossible, but there is no doubt that in training I should be able to get it over 160.  I've done so lots of times in the past, and so the fact that I can't currently get it up to 150 tells me something.  The problem is, that I don't know what it tells me!

It could simply be that I have not recovered from the punishment I undertook 2 weeks ago, or it could indicate more of the same problem that I experienced that day.  Wednesday I go to the doctor to get his opinion, and then we'll go from there.  Mean while I will try to take it easy.

And tomorrow is Labour day and so I should go out and do some labour.  Tons of stuff to do around here, but I have had very little ambition since we came home.  I can't quite pinpoint why.  Maybe I'm just tired and should do some more resting, but resting somehow seems to make me tired!!

walk/jog/run 10 kms

"Sooner or later, I hate to break it to you, you're gonna die, so how do you fill in the space between here and there? It's yours. Seize your space."---Margaret Atwood

Love

Peter

"Told You!"

Woohoo!!

Turns out you don't actually have to do anything until your dead.  Just use the above form to make sure your executor knows your wishes, and then call the university when you're ready to go.  Well actually you have to get yourself to their back door, but after that they got everything covered.  There are also certain conditions under which they don't want you, but as of this moment I don't have any of them.

So I'm glad I have that little item out of the way, and I'm proud to say that my wife filled out hers at the same time.  What I find amazing is how good I feel about this.  I remember as a young person being horrified by the idea of my body being used for "scientific purposes".  I was always okay with donating organs to a living person, but the idea of someone experimenting with my parts was not okay.  Now I am totally good with it, and in fact a little proud to have made the decision.  Maybe I've just grown up a little.

And so of course I need to give myself a reward, and in this case I'm gonna let myself dream about getting one of these.

Pretty cool eh?  My wife and I want to focus on doing some more things together, so I think this is the perfect solution.  She still needs some convincing, but I'm gonna work on her.  I thought I had her when I told her she could have the front seat, but then I made the mistake of telling her that I would still have the steering wheel.  

It's called a Hase, Pino and is made in Germany.  From what I can see they are the only company that make something like this, other than some cheap knock-offs.  It has significant advantages over a typical tandem bike, not the least of which is that both riders can see where they are going, and have some sense of control.  We have a cheap conventional tandem, and believe me, for the person on the back it can be a very unsettling position.   They also tout the convenience of two way communication as an advantage, or as the advertising says, "you can lean forward and whisper sweet nothings in her ear".  Which got me wondering what I might say to her?  Probably just ask her if she had any food....

It also occurred to me to compare this experience to the romantic idea of riding across country on a motorcycle, the main differences being that we would be doing good things for our health, as well as the obvious distinction that in our case, the bitch would be upfront!!

easy ride, 33 kms

....and today's quote is from a book called, Stiff: The curious lives of human cadavers.  My little sister Teresa brought it to my attention, and I fully expect she's gonna lend me her copy once she gets it back from her thieving daughter Rachel!  Anyway, if you know me at all, you will know right away what I loved about the quote...

"Does that mean I would let someone blow up my dead foot to help save the feet of NATO land mine clearers? It does. And would I let someone shoot my dead face with a nonlethal projectile to help prevent accidental fatalities? I suppose I would. What wouldn't I let someone do to my remains? I can think of only one experiment I know of that, were I a cadaver, I wouldn't want anything to do with. This particular experiment wasn't done in the name of science or education or safer cars or better-protected soldiers. It was done in the name of religion.---Mary Roach

Love

Peter

"Uninspired"

And so of course I can't be inspirational either.  Then again, if I were simply to decide to inspire myself,  I'd be both wouldn't I?

But alas, I'm too damn lazy tonite.  I had an emotional day on the Executor front, with one more coming tomorrow.  It is taxing all of my skills to keep some semblance of peace, while at the same time managing the bureaucracy of dying.  I spent a good deal of time today getting super organized on the second part, and I find that helps me to deal with the first.

It really is quite amazing when you mix grief with money matters.  Perhaps it is human nature to react a bit selfishly when faced with these twin pressures.  At least I have chosen to look at it that way, as it helps me not to get dragged down into the mire.  I think all of the people involved are decent individuals, but the fact of the matter is that Sally was not just the glue that held it all together, she was also the decision maker.  She left a void that others are trying to figure out how to fill.

Which gets me thinking again about my own situation, and whether I have done enough to support my children's independence, and done enough to make myself redundant.  Certainly being a control freak is not a character trait that facilitates planned redundancy!  And I also acknowledge a certain sense of self esteem that I get by being the only guy around here who 'knows stuff'!

And all of the above meanderings of my brain I believe are very healthy for me  And if that is indeed the case, and if they are indeed triggered by the challenges of the death of a friend, and the accompanying task she has left me, then I guess I actually owe her some thanks.  So thanks Sally....you bitch!!  Just kidding sweetie!!

I know that reduced training levels has added some stress to my life as well, but slowly and surely I'm staring to creep back.  Today was the first time I did anything on successive days, as I managed to run the block without too much aggravation.  I still can't get my heart rate up to what I should be able to, but again, it's coming.  Today I got it to 144, still some distance from the 160 I should be able to achieve.  No such luck, but I'm satisfied for the moment.  There's no rush for anything right now, other than to burn enough calories to compensate for my near insatiable appetite, and to trigger enough endorphins to keep the darkness away.

And lastly for today I wish to give a shout out to my partner who has single handedly carried her friend through nearly 3 years of dying, and gets little credit for it from those who should be the most grateful.  While I know this has been tough on you hon, just remember what matters most...your friend and everything you shared for all those years, especially the last few.  Other than that I say "fuck em all but six", as you will need those for your own pall bearers!  And regardless, I'm pretty sure I can scare up six people who would only be too happy to carry your coffin somewhere.  :)))

And it further occurs to me that I personally can just say, "fuck em all", since I'm donating my body to the uni, and thereby won't need any pall bearers  :)))

run 7.5 kms

"The good life is one inspired by love and guided by knowledge.---Bertrand Russell

Love
Peter

"Still Alive"

And I distinctly remember my wife coming to join me in bed.  She was also still there when I woke up this morning.  That's only remarkable because she sometimes has to leave.  I think she's gotten used to the times when I stop breathing for a minute or two, but it seems that when I start again, its quite raspy and noisy.

It occurs to me that if the lack of breathing no longer wakes her up, then if I die in bed she ain't gonna know it til the morning cause I'll be so quiet.  And somehow I'm good with that.  I don't want my death to cause anyone to lose a nights sleep.

And while we're on this topic, and as a first step in the promised changes Sally has motivated in me, I have decided to donate my body to medical research.  Next week I will fill out the documentation to send my corpse to the University of Western Ontario, if they still want it when the time comes.

I have also decided to donate some members of Sally's family to medical research, but they should go now!!!

And lastly for today, in response to HOJ's comment yesterday.... touché!

Ride 42 kms easy....but still much faster than my ironman ride!!

Pretending that we live doesn't make us alive."---Serji Tankian

Love

Peter

"Life Goes On"

Of course it could all be over before I wake up in the morning....or don't wake up I guess.  I'm trying hard to frame my worries around the idea that none of them will matter once I'm dead.  When I truly manage to embrace the idea, it gives me a great sense of peace.  Of course for it to work you have to be able to embrace the thought that today could well be your last day!  Because it could you know!

Think about it.  When your dead, and for that matter probably for a few weeks before that, if you get some warning, you won't care about your bills, you won't care about your aches and pains, you won't care about your messy house, you won't care about the dent in your car, you won't care about your leaky roof, you won't care about your stupid job, you won't care about your idiot neighbour, you won't give a shit about anything!  You know why?  Cause you'll be dead...or damn near as the case may be!

And you know what the beautiful thing is?  If you won't care then, you can probably stop caring now.

Just do it!  I'm having a glass of milk, a cookie and an ice cream and going to bed to read my book.  And the only thing I'm gonna choose to care about is that my wife meets me there later.  

"The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."---Albert Einstein

Love

Peter

"The Rose, The Bud, & The Thorn"

This ones for my wife. I'm supposed to tell you three things about my day.

Roses: Something good about my day
Buds: Something you're looking forward to (tomorrow or beyond)
Thorns: Something that went wrong today (and how you plan to fix it)

My rose---eating cinnamon stuffed donuts at Swiss Chalet with my grandson......priceless!
My bud....visiting my big sitter Elly tomorrow...she understands me so well.
My thorn...spending 47 consecutive minutes on the phone just to cancel a dead persons cell phone!!!

It was a hectic day of visiting lawyers offices, banks, car dealers, and ministry offices. This business of dying is complicated. But what I found amazing was how easy it was to deal with the ministry of transportation....a government office!! Good on the people that work at our local facility. The bank on the other hand....

And today for the first time since Tremblant I tried my hand, or rather my feet, at a short run. I was still tired, but I managed 5 kms without too much difficulty. I followed it up with a 2k run/walk. The positive thing was that my heart behaved exactly like it's supposed to. It went up when I ran, and went down when I walked....pretty cool concept!

And that's about it. I'm exhausted!

run 5 kms

"A man's dying is more his survivor's affair than his own."---Thomas Mann

Love
Peter

"Treading Water"

Some days you just don't make much forward progress, despite your best intentions.  On such days I try to remain grateful that although I'm a lousy swimmer, I can tread water forever!

And although I didn't achieve much, I gave it an honest effort. I'm at peace!

"In the final analysis there is no other solution to man's progress but the day's honest work, the day's honest decision, the day's generous utterances, and the day's good deed."---Clare Booth Luce

Love
Peter

"Top Ten"

The top ten things I learned in Tremblant one week ago today.

10)  It's hard to quit!
 9)   People who love you, will still love you when you do!
 8)   There is a big difference between 'alone', and 'lonely'.
 7)   Lac Tremblant can get very freakin cold!
 6)   The story rarely plays out the way you write it.
 5)   My family is composed of the most remarkable people!
 4)   There is such a thing as an unpleasant bike ride!
 3)   I really gotta do something radical about my swimming!
 2)   Quebecers don't dislike other Canadians!

And the number one thing I learned from my actions a week ago only became obvious today.

 1)  When you pee down your right leg, your right shoe will still smell like piss a week later!

Okay, so maybe I should have already known some of those things, but once again I am reminded that it's hard to learn stuff, when you already know everything... :)

And one of my guiding philosophies has always been that a learning day is a good day, regardless of what else went on.  If I truly believe that, then I have to conclude that Aug 17/2014 was a good day!

Today was a good day as well.  It was my return to training, and I am happy to tell you that I felt completely normal.  It was nice to discover that my bike still works reasonably well.

Ride 42.5 kms, 30.1 kph. 165 watts

"Life is ten percent what happens to you and ninety percent how you respond to it."---Lou Holtz

Love
Peter

Dream "On" - The Journey Continues

I remember the summer of 2007!  I was working in Iowa, but commuting as usual.  Typically that meant one week on, one week off.  I was a wee bit out of shape primarily due to the bad habits that tended to come with travelling...eating in hotels, and not working out regularly.  And for some reason I was feeling a bit sluggish physically, and a bit unmotivated to change those things.

I don't know why the dream resurfaced at that point, but indeed it did.  The dream of course was to do an Ironman.  A dream that had first reared its head way back in 1994.  So I spoke to her "highness", got the official go ahead, and in early september sent my 500 bucks off to the nice people in Penticton.  For those that don't know the next part of the story, it was about a month later that I figured out why I was feeling a bit sluggish.  Whoops!  Cancer!

I remember when they were explaining the course of treatment to me, that I had no doubts about my ability to train right through it.  After all, the radiation was only once a day, and the chemo only every 3 weeks.  I think I lasted a week!!  A month later I was too sick to walk!

So needless to say, the dream was "Off"!  Fortunately, although the dream was dead, I was still alive, and sometime in the summer of 2008 I got an e-mail from Ironman Canada wishing to confirm my entry, so that they could assign race numbers.  I explained my situation, and gave them my regrets.

But wait!

Because I had signed up through their charity partner, I had the option to carry my entry over to the following year....was I interested?

Dream "On".

The next part is history as I had a successful Ironman Canada in Aug of 2009, and my little human interest story was even carried by CTV.  I was a minor celebrity.

Then after a brief hiatus (2 years) Roo and I decided to make a joint venture out of another western trip, whereby she would go "find herself" in the mountains of Alberta, and I would go do another Ironman in Penticton.  That also worked out quite well for both of us.

Move forward to 2013, and the crash at Mont Tremblant.  That day somehow left me with some big scars...all internal.  Roo picked me up and stood me on my feet, and we at least finished the trip with a nice eastern vacation.

She also convinced me to return to the scene of the pylon, and so back to Tremblant in 2014 to show the world!!  I can't put into words the way I felt for 12 hours.  I felt lousy 10 minutes into the swim, and it got worse from there.

I quit the race only because I was seriously concerned about doing permanent damage to my body at best, and believe it or not, dying at worst.  If you find that bizarre, then that's okay.  I actually processed those thoughts, including a real concern about leaving my wife unprepared for either eventuality.

When I walked back to the RV, the dream was "Off"...once and for all!  I had no hopes, no thoughts, no aspirations, no intentions, not even any wishes to toe an Ironman start line again.  Sometimes I say those things just to appease myself, while a small corner of my mind is still considering it.  Not this time!  I didn't actually reject the idea of another race, I just never thought of it as a possibility.

And of course I've already made it clear how Roo made the next decision for me, and how happy I am about it, and yet what I haven't really told you, is why.

This is why!

Training for an endurance triathlon has become a way of life for me.  Since my very first post 6 years ago I talked about the journey being more important than the destination.  That was a little bit of wishful thinking perhaps, and indeed only partly true for the first couple of races.  I think it has evolved however to become an overwhelming truth for me.  I think that the training, and all of the things that go with it, are shaping me as a person.  On top of that, I believe they are shaping me in positive ways.  Everything that has transpired, including the bitter disappointments of the past 2 efforts, has I believe, made me a more useful human being.  And "useful" is what I aspire to.  Even the blogging adds some value to my world, in that the writing of it makes me think.

So maybe my dream has evolved a little bit, in that it's now not just about the race. The race however  remains the goal that keeps me on track through the tough times.  My logical mind tells me that's totally appropriate, even if the "journey is more important than the destination"!

DREAM ON

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there, wondering, fearing, doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to dream before."---Edgar Allan Poe

Love
Peter