A year of resolution!
I'm certainly not a New Years resolution kind of guy. With the exception of a failed smoking cessation plan perhaps 25 years ago, I can't recall a single instance of having made any other commitments as of Jan 1.
Why then do I call 2015 a "year of resolution"?
Because I believe that the task before me will take me most of the year, and because coincidentally the time is right to begin the task.
The time is right simply because I am now in my 60th year, and it's starting to get pretty clear that I ain't gonna live forever. Even as I write that I can't quite believe it. Sixty freakin years!! How did I ever get here?
I've talked a lot over the last couple of months about my health struggles. and I've also talked a lot about my fears and anxieties, especially as they manifested themselves in my dreams.
It is becoming clear to me that these things are all related and that it's all about aging. Valid or not, I now have a sense that I have outlived my usefulness.
It all fits, especially as I review the recurring themes of my dreams. I dream about my children. I dream about my work. And I dream about Ironman! Often, all wrapped up in one nightmarish jumble.
The common aspect of these things?
It's how I value myself. Those are the things that made me important in this world. The "skills" that made me useful.
And while I may well have been only average at any of them, those 3 activities have served to keep me afloat for many years. Although Ironman is the relative newcomer to the group I think that subconsciously it was gonna be my bridge between letting go of the other two, and living the more traditional life of a retired grandfather.
That would also explain why the fear of losing my ability to train and compete at a reasonably competitive level has been so traumatic for me. In other words, if my working days are over, and if my children don't need anything form me that I'm prepared to give, then what do I have left??
In my most abject of times, and I admit there have been many lately, I have felt there was nothing. I have had trouble imaging a life of joy without my addiction. After all, if I'm not Ironman Pete, how am I gonna lord it over the rest of the world?!
And yes of course I get tons of pleasure out of my relationships, especially with my spouse, my children, and my grandchildren, and yes I get so much love from them and others, and yet I think it's apparent that the only true enduring sense of self esteem has to come from within. In essence it needs almost to thrive in a vacuum, without needing to be bolstered by feedback from others.
And how does this all come together at this point in my life? Well that's where the real crunch comes. On top of the questions about who I now am, this series of health worries has suddenly got me feeling like someone sped up the clock!!! I'm running out of time!
So there you have it. That's the problem pretty well described I think.
My 60th year is going to be dedicated to "resolving" this dilemma. I mean "resolve" both in the sense of figuring it out, and of being committed to it. Game on!!
But while I'm working on that long term project don't think that I've given up on the short term yet. Not that any of my recent workouts have given me any reason for optimism, and as a matter of fact it has been the exact opposite. I avoided even talking about it but I tried a longer (20km) 4/1, run/walk workout this past Monday, and while I felt good about pushing my way through it, by that evening I was so sick I considered going to the hospital. I tried running again today to no avail. I was walking by 2 kms.
But-----I still hope to learn something form my Holtor monitor test which is next week, and If that doesn't show anything then I will seriously pursue the idea that it is a somatoform disorder. In other words...all in my head!!
I find it hilarious that contrary to practically 100% of people with this type of illness, I actually want to have it! Most people who do, live in denial, and as a result do not get better. I'm pretty sure that I can! Let's see what the doc says about that idea. I suspect he'll like it, because it will get him off he hook eh? He can put me on a 2 year waiting list to see a head shrinker. :)
Happy New Year my friends!
run walk, 7.5 kms
"Resolve to be thyself: and know that he who finds himself, loses his misery."---Mathew Arnold
Love
Peter
I'm certainly not a New Years resolution kind of guy. With the exception of a failed smoking cessation plan perhaps 25 years ago, I can't recall a single instance of having made any other commitments as of Jan 1.
Why then do I call 2015 a "year of resolution"?
Because I believe that the task before me will take me most of the year, and because coincidentally the time is right to begin the task.
The time is right simply because I am now in my 60th year, and it's starting to get pretty clear that I ain't gonna live forever. Even as I write that I can't quite believe it. Sixty freakin years!! How did I ever get here?
I've talked a lot over the last couple of months about my health struggles. and I've also talked a lot about my fears and anxieties, especially as they manifested themselves in my dreams.
It is becoming clear to me that these things are all related and that it's all about aging. Valid or not, I now have a sense that I have outlived my usefulness.
It all fits, especially as I review the recurring themes of my dreams. I dream about my children. I dream about my work. And I dream about Ironman! Often, all wrapped up in one nightmarish jumble.
The common aspect of these things?
It's how I value myself. Those are the things that made me important in this world. The "skills" that made me useful.
And while I may well have been only average at any of them, those 3 activities have served to keep me afloat for many years. Although Ironman is the relative newcomer to the group I think that subconsciously it was gonna be my bridge between letting go of the other two, and living the more traditional life of a retired grandfather.
That would also explain why the fear of losing my ability to train and compete at a reasonably competitive level has been so traumatic for me. In other words, if my working days are over, and if my children don't need anything form me that I'm prepared to give, then what do I have left??
In my most abject of times, and I admit there have been many lately, I have felt there was nothing. I have had trouble imaging a life of joy without my addiction. After all, if I'm not Ironman Pete, how am I gonna lord it over the rest of the world?!
And yes of course I get tons of pleasure out of my relationships, especially with my spouse, my children, and my grandchildren, and yes I get so much love from them and others, and yet I think it's apparent that the only true enduring sense of self esteem has to come from within. In essence it needs almost to thrive in a vacuum, without needing to be bolstered by feedback from others.
And how does this all come together at this point in my life? Well that's where the real crunch comes. On top of the questions about who I now am, this series of health worries has suddenly got me feeling like someone sped up the clock!!! I'm running out of time!
So there you have it. That's the problem pretty well described I think.
My 60th year is going to be dedicated to "resolving" this dilemma. I mean "resolve" both in the sense of figuring it out, and of being committed to it. Game on!!
But while I'm working on that long term project don't think that I've given up on the short term yet. Not that any of my recent workouts have given me any reason for optimism, and as a matter of fact it has been the exact opposite. I avoided even talking about it but I tried a longer (20km) 4/1, run/walk workout this past Monday, and while I felt good about pushing my way through it, by that evening I was so sick I considered going to the hospital. I tried running again today to no avail. I was walking by 2 kms.
But-----I still hope to learn something form my Holtor monitor test which is next week, and If that doesn't show anything then I will seriously pursue the idea that it is a somatoform disorder. In other words...all in my head!!
I find it hilarious that contrary to practically 100% of people with this type of illness, I actually want to have it! Most people who do, live in denial, and as a result do not get better. I'm pretty sure that I can! Let's see what the doc says about that idea. I suspect he'll like it, because it will get him off he hook eh? He can put me on a 2 year waiting list to see a head shrinker. :)
Happy New Year my friends!
run walk, 7.5 kms
"Resolve to be thyself: and know that he who finds himself, loses his misery."---Mathew Arnold
Love
Peter
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