"Vengeance is Mine!"

Said the Lord!
I must have gotten too cocky.

I'm totally flabbergasted.  That word seems so appropriate for my feelings right now but I thought I better look up the formal definition just in case.

...and the dictionary said...

adjective: astonished, amazed, stunned, overcome, overwhelmed, staggered, astounded, dazed, confounded, disconcerted, speechless, bowled over (informal), gobsmacked (Brit. slang), dumbfounded, nonplussed, struck dumb, abashed, lost for words, rendered speechless.

And while the last two never seem to apply to me---to the regret of all those around me---all of the rest seem appropriate.  Maybe it's because I've got Sally on the brain so much, but I specially like gobsmacked!  I can hear her say it!

It was only one week ago that I officially announced myself back from hell.  I had completed a fantastic 25 kms, and in my own words declared vengeance on whatever it was that ailed me.

Since that run I have taken things very easy, and yet on Thursday I suddenly felt the temporary return of my malaise.  At least I thought it was temporary!

I determined to avoid another long run for the moment just to get myself through this "temporary" setback.

Today I was totally gassed and walking by 5 kms.  After 2-3 minutes I was calm again, and managed to finish my 8 kms, but I felt like I had run a marathon by the time I got back to the driveway.

My heart rate was petty well normal for the speed I was running, but the overall fatigue is off the scale!

For the rest of the day I have felt faint and nauseous.  It feels similar to the after effects of a hot summer run when I let myself get dehydrated.

I don't know where to turn!

I'm tying hard to relax but it's frightening.

Of course that's only because I'm way too dependant on my running.

But it is what it is.

I'm probably grasping at straws, but I'm hoping it's just stress related.  It's probably hard to understand, and I suppose perhaps it indicates an inherent inability to cope on my part, but I am experiencing as much stress right now as at the tensest moments of my career.  Crazy eh?  Not sleeping, circular thinking, overeating....all over someone else's problems!

Like I said.  I'm hoping that the stress is manifesting itself in these physical symptoms.

.....but I don't really believe it...

Regardless, I think the only option is to back right off once more, and then gradually build up again.  Hopefully it's just a case of one step back, before two forward again.  

And above all else I acknowledge the need to stay calm.  As crazy as this seems I think my lawyer meeting tomorrow will help.  I like the man quite a lot.  He has a great sense of humour, and a great sense of logic, two qualities I aspire to myself.  He helps me to diffuse the emotion of the situation. 

run/walk 8 kms

...and this is as insightful as anything I've read for some time...

"Many of us feel stress and get overwhelmed not because we're taking on too much, but because we're taking on too little of what really strengthens us."---Marcus Buckingham

Tomorrow Roo and I are gonna visit a couple of dear friends and take on some of what strengthens us.  I bet it works!!  I promise to tell you about it.

Love

Peter