I don't know if you're able to understand this but I'm going to try to explain. I suppose it's a sad state of affairs to say that I'm afraid of this Ironman. That has never been the case in any of my former attempts, including the failed ones, or even the first one.
For several months I have seriously pondered giving it up because I know that initially at least that decision would come with a real sense of freedom, a burden lifted so to speak. But then I get afraid of how I would feel on race day while I watch others compete (especially my brothers), and I get afraid of how I may feel for years to come. The fact that I didn't have the courage to even start.
So of course that's the kind of thinking that keeps me keeping on, despite serious concerns about my training progress, and while you my say that it's then a good thing, it still brings me to fear number two.
Fear number two involves getting to the start line and not getting to the finish line.....again! And I can also confirm that I never had that particular fear before . Even after the crash I had no doubts coming back the next year. But last years debacle, combined with my training problems since, has changed all that. The only way to dispel that fear is over time and through positive training results. Unfortunately the results have been mediocre at best, and while they may still be good enough to finish the race, I just don't know that. I can tell you this. If I feel the way I did last year after 12 hours, I honestly don't believe that I will be able to finish alive!
So I hope that gave you some sense of how I'm feeling, and before you say it, yes I know it's just a feeling, and feelings can be changed. And furthermore I don't have this fear all the time. Today I had it big time however, while sitting in the basement watching 4 hours of House of Cards, and getting weaker by the minute. That's the problem with having all this data. You get confirmation when your starting to struggle. Oh, did I mention that I was riding my bike while watching the show, it wasn't just House of Cards that got me tired, although I was pretty damn disappointed when Russo fell off the wagon! I thought that was gonna be the feel good element of the series. Darn!
But I got off the damn bike and slowly got ready for my transition run in the again, crappy, weather. Lo and behold, I lost some of my fear during my 6 km run. Note the lack of any walk reference! Yes indeed, although slow, I ran for 6 kms without a break. After 4 hours on the bike I'm pretty happy with that....and a wee bit surprised.
One of the things that needs immediate attention however is my back. I noticed this as soon as I started riding outside again, that my back got quickly sore afterwards. It's from the pounding of the roads that you don't get inside, and don't get hardened to. More riding will help, but I think I need to start there with any complimentary strength training I undertake.
And for those of you who were paying attention you may remember that I was supposed to swim today, and not ride til tomorrow. Well that was the plan, until this...
"Find out what you're afraid of and go live there."---Chuck PalahniukLove
Peter
For several months I have seriously pondered giving it up because I know that initially at least that decision would come with a real sense of freedom, a burden lifted so to speak. But then I get afraid of how I would feel on race day while I watch others compete (especially my brothers), and I get afraid of how I may feel for years to come. The fact that I didn't have the courage to even start.
So of course that's the kind of thinking that keeps me keeping on, despite serious concerns about my training progress, and while you my say that it's then a good thing, it still brings me to fear number two.
Fear number two involves getting to the start line and not getting to the finish line.....again! And I can also confirm that I never had that particular fear before . Even after the crash I had no doubts coming back the next year. But last years debacle, combined with my training problems since, has changed all that. The only way to dispel that fear is over time and through positive training results. Unfortunately the results have been mediocre at best, and while they may still be good enough to finish the race, I just don't know that. I can tell you this. If I feel the way I did last year after 12 hours, I honestly don't believe that I will be able to finish alive!
So I hope that gave you some sense of how I'm feeling, and before you say it, yes I know it's just a feeling, and feelings can be changed. And furthermore I don't have this fear all the time. Today I had it big time however, while sitting in the basement watching 4 hours of House of Cards, and getting weaker by the minute. That's the problem with having all this data. You get confirmation when your starting to struggle. Oh, did I mention that I was riding my bike while watching the show, it wasn't just House of Cards that got me tired, although I was pretty damn disappointed when Russo fell off the wagon! I thought that was gonna be the feel good element of the series. Darn!
But I got off the damn bike and slowly got ready for my transition run in the again, crappy, weather. Lo and behold, I lost some of my fear during my 6 km run. Note the lack of any walk reference! Yes indeed, although slow, I ran for 6 kms without a break. After 4 hours on the bike I'm pretty happy with that....and a wee bit surprised.
One of the things that needs immediate attention however is my back. I noticed this as soon as I started riding outside again, that my back got quickly sore afterwards. It's from the pounding of the roads that you don't get inside, and don't get hardened to. More riding will help, but I think I need to start there with any complimentary strength training I undertake.
And for those of you who were paying attention you may remember that I was supposed to swim today, and not ride til tomorrow. Well that was the plan, until this...
It worked out okay in the end because it looks like the weather was gonna keep me indoors tomorrow as well, and as such I am glad to have it done today. Missing my swim this week don't matter spit quite frankly.
And lastly on the fear element it continues to be driven by my dreams Last night the front wheel on my brand new bike basically crumbled in my hands, and the stupid transition area was inside a building on multiple floors, where no one could find anything. The scene when I eventually found my stuff was one of pure mayhem. with peoples shit scattered all over, and even mixed tougher.
And to compliment my day of fear was the aforementioned House of Cards character, Russo, who fell back into his addictions. I'm afraid of addictions, especially when they have victimized one so close to me. The characters first name in the show was Peter.
And that's it. I don't know if my essay did a good job of describing how I feel today, but I bet at least you get the drift from my lack of coherence. Being afraid is not nice!
ride 4 hours computrainer, 3:30 @ 135watts - run 6 kms, 5:40/km
Tomorrow's an off day! Probably I'll get more tasks done.
Peter
Personally, by far the best wriitten blog this year! Thanks for sharing. The only advice i have and i know Sally would agree, "Be Not Afraid"!
ReplyDeleteLove you more
Roo
I have to agree with Roo for sure. To me, the more personal posts are the most compelling and thought provoking. As to fear, I have no better advice than Sally except to say that you know those that love you will stand beside you all the way.
ReplyDeleteLove holj
Thank you for sharing your fears! Love this post. You make us all feel more human. Agreed with Roo & Uncle John.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Michael
I'm feeling so much compassion; it must be such an internal conflict. I can't help but wonder if you cut out the running altogether until race day, if you wouldn't be better off. Swim, bike and weight train, and you won't lose any fitness. Seriously! Love you regardless what you decide or how you do.
ReplyDeleteEveryone else had first shot at this one so I can only echo their thoughts. I really appreciated the post, and I can almost hear Sally even though I never met her. "Be not afraid" indeed. And take John's words especially to heart. You and I had this discussion not too long ago. No one will love you less no matter what happens. We'll all be there to hold your hand as you face your fears. Big first step in this post!
ReplyDeleteLove, gail