"And it must follow, as the night the day. Thou canst not then be false to any man"
Some times the right person, says the right thing, at the right time. I have met my friend Gail exactly two times in person, and yet somehow she seems to know me as a sister might. She sent me this Shakespearean quote this morning and I latched on to it like a lifeline. She also knew that it was from Hamlet, which of course I would have no idea of, not having paid any attention through my 4 1/2 years of high school.
And like I said....exactly what I needed to be reminded of this morning.
I need to be true to myself. On this particular day I need to admit my near overwhelming sense of loss. I don't want to belabour it, and I am determined to not let it spiral down into self pity, but like all losses, it needs to be grieved. I think that telling you about it will help me to move through that phase, and allow me to focus on what's next.
Before I go there however I need to tell you the immense satisfaction I got out of Brett and John's success. While I take no direct credit for their accomplishments, I do trust that in some small way I inspired them. Congratulations to both of them!!
But back to the way I feel today. None of it I'm particularly proud of, but despite that. or perhaps because of it, I need to air it.
It feels like I have worked ceaselessly for 3 straight years without any payoff. I feel jealous of all those people who walk around this morning with the finishers hat and shirt.....including Brett and John! I feel disappointed that others can't celebrate my success, most notably my honey, my children, and my grandchildren. And most of all I feel dumb for not managing my body better over the past year. I suppose it's my A type personality, but I tend to believe that all problems can be solved with the right plan. And finally, and most of all.....I'm mad!!!!!!
And before you tell me that all of these things are just feelings, and that they can be changed, please know that I already know that. I still think it's important that I acknowledge them so that I can move forward without the baggage. As much as I want to keep up a brave face, I fear that if I pretend too much, it will eat me from the inside. That's why I choose this vehicle to air things a bit. Hope you don't mind.
And referring back to the quote, this idea of Bill's that if I'm honest with myself I can not be dishonest with you, seems of value to me. If I'm honest about my own shortcomings, my own insecurities, it somehow precludes me from blaming the rest of the world, or worse yet, those immediately around me, for my own weaknesses.
As to where I go from here. and what part Ironman will play in my future, I am still uncertain. In the back of my mind there is this ceaseless voice that tells me I still have to correct my failure. But I think the best way to deal with that voice is just to think about getting healthy first, then perhaps doing some shorter triathlons, and then once I feel right, create the "perfect" IM training plan. The thing I find ironic about that idea, is that I feel very qualified to coach someone else, but I'm afraid that for the last year at least, I have failed miserably at coaching myself.
At least for now I also intend on maintaining a blog of some kind. Of course it will have to be a new one with a new title that has some relevance, and a theme reflective of the next part of my life. That may take me a day or two to come up with....hmmm....
And Gail's quote is from some obscure little play called Hamlet. The character (Polonius) is giving advice to his son and in this particular fatherly rant he shares some other useful wisdom. I liked these lines especially.
"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment."
"Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel"
Some times the right person, says the right thing, at the right time. I have met my friend Gail exactly two times in person, and yet somehow she seems to know me as a sister might. She sent me this Shakespearean quote this morning and I latched on to it like a lifeline. She also knew that it was from Hamlet, which of course I would have no idea of, not having paid any attention through my 4 1/2 years of high school.
And like I said....exactly what I needed to be reminded of this morning.
I need to be true to myself. On this particular day I need to admit my near overwhelming sense of loss. I don't want to belabour it, and I am determined to not let it spiral down into self pity, but like all losses, it needs to be grieved. I think that telling you about it will help me to move through that phase, and allow me to focus on what's next.
Before I go there however I need to tell you the immense satisfaction I got out of Brett and John's success. While I take no direct credit for their accomplishments, I do trust that in some small way I inspired them. Congratulations to both of them!!
But back to the way I feel today. None of it I'm particularly proud of, but despite that. or perhaps because of it, I need to air it.
It feels like I have worked ceaselessly for 3 straight years without any payoff. I feel jealous of all those people who walk around this morning with the finishers hat and shirt.....including Brett and John! I feel disappointed that others can't celebrate my success, most notably my honey, my children, and my grandchildren. And most of all I feel dumb for not managing my body better over the past year. I suppose it's my A type personality, but I tend to believe that all problems can be solved with the right plan. And finally, and most of all.....I'm mad!!!!!!
And before you tell me that all of these things are just feelings, and that they can be changed, please know that I already know that. I still think it's important that I acknowledge them so that I can move forward without the baggage. As much as I want to keep up a brave face, I fear that if I pretend too much, it will eat me from the inside. That's why I choose this vehicle to air things a bit. Hope you don't mind.
And referring back to the quote, this idea of Bill's that if I'm honest with myself I can not be dishonest with you, seems of value to me. If I'm honest about my own shortcomings, my own insecurities, it somehow precludes me from blaming the rest of the world, or worse yet, those immediately around me, for my own weaknesses.
As to where I go from here. and what part Ironman will play in my future, I am still uncertain. In the back of my mind there is this ceaseless voice that tells me I still have to correct my failure. But I think the best way to deal with that voice is just to think about getting healthy first, then perhaps doing some shorter triathlons, and then once I feel right, create the "perfect" IM training plan. The thing I find ironic about that idea, is that I feel very qualified to coach someone else, but I'm afraid that for the last year at least, I have failed miserably at coaching myself.
At least for now I also intend on maintaining a blog of some kind. Of course it will have to be a new one with a new title that has some relevance, and a theme reflective of the next part of my life. That may take me a day or two to come up with....hmmm....
And Gail's quote is from some obscure little play called Hamlet. The character (Polonius) is giving advice to his son and in this particular fatherly rant he shares some other useful wisdom. I liked these lines especially.
"Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;
Take each man's censure, but reserve thy judgment."
"Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,
Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel"
And what amazes me is that I never paid attention to this stuff in grade 11, because I find the words such wonderful puzzles now. I also find them inspiring.
And speaking of inspiring, this evening I met the person who provided me with my first reason to stop whining about how I feel, and get on with the rest of my life. You'll meet him tomorrow.
....and this one's for you Gail....
"Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none."---William Shakespeare
Love
Love
Peter
Gosh, I love you so much! I know that it can be said that feelings are just feelings, and this is "just" an Ironman, etc, etc, but I feel an incredible sense of empathy. Maybe it's because I'm your son, and because we are more alike than we sometimes care to admit! But in all seriousness, I am so grateful that you were able to open up here, and I am so grateful for Gail's inspiration. Frankly, I was worried that you would put on a 'brave face' and be tempted to put on a brave face, particularly since Uncle Brett and Uncle John were racing too. From my experience, it's just not healthy. Not only do we have to be true to ourselves and how we feel, we have to surround ourselves with people who let us be true to ourselves. When I am around those friends and people in my life to whom I can be completely myself, true to myself and honest about my feelings, no matter how weird or whatever they may seem, I feel a sense of liberation and freedom that I don't feel with other friends of mine. So, in any event, I'd like to take this moment to say that I validate your feelings, and I love you all the more for sharing them. And I hope you continue to post openly, and that this helps in any small to provide you with a sense of catharsis. I know it usually does for me!
ReplyDeleteI always am excited when you're starting a new blog, so I look forward to that! I'm gonna think on some possible titles... :)
Love you!!
Michael
Michael, it amazes me how you can take individual words and put them together in a sentence that convey love, compassion, kindness, and strength. Our words have power to destroy or power to build, and when used right can have the strongest power above all to do good. Love you more because i can.
DeleteProud Mom always
I'm so happy to hear that you will continue some kind of blog. Honestly, I've been given such a gift of you over the last number of years, and it would be a great loss to me to lose that connection and try to find a replacement that worked as well for me. Don't get me wrong, I know you need to do it for you, but I really benefit.
ReplyDeleteAs for the race, I hear you! My heart aches for you, while at the same time, I could not ever be prouder of you. I love who you are, and who you strive to be. I appreciate how generous you are to your fellow ironies and others in your life. John says it well, and the reality is that there is no end to the people you help on a regular basis, just because you can and you want to...me included.
I love you immeasurably; my hero!
,,,fellow Ironmen!
ReplyDeleteAs always, I am amazed by you. Your honesty, your willingness to openly share your feelings, your courage, your capacity to love others are truly amazing. I'm glad you found my little quote useful; a teacher shared it with me long before I studied Hamlet and it has stuck with me since. Perhaps it is that belief in trueness to oneself that makes the writing of a blog like yours so inspirational to others. Thank you for doing it, for adopting me (pratically sight unseen) and most of all, for being you.
ReplyDeleteLove, gail